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The Ex Factor
Nov 29, 2006
I'm really just here to vent. I need to get these thoughts out of my head in a place where I won't be judged by people in my life! Like I said... I'm venting... but any replys are welcome! Some of you may have read an earlier post of mine concerning a related topic..

I have a problem with my boyfriend being friends with a particular ex of his. He is friends with other ex's and it doesn't bother me. But this girl has given me no reason to trust or even like her.

When we first started dating, and my BF talked about me, her response was "I don't want to know anything about her." Shouldn't a "friend" want to meet the new girl in his life? That just gave me a bad impression of her, seems like she has wrong intentions.

I've got that typical "I trust you, I just don't trust her" thing going for me right now. It's driving me crazy! This has recently come up again because he his home visiting, and when I text him yesterday, he replied saying he was hanging out with her. Naturally, I wasn't thrilled. I have no problems with him being friends with her.. ok, I do at the moment.. BUT... I don't care that they are friends, just like I don't care that he is friends with other girls and other ex's. I'm friends with some of my ex's, so why should his friendships be different than mine? It's just that my imagination gets the best of me.

I picture her being all flirtaious with him. (He says she isn't) So it's all just in my head. I think I would feel better if I met her, and could see how they interacted.

Did I mention that she says "I love you" at the end of their phone calls?! I've overheard this twice in the 9 months we've been together. He said they don't talk often, and that recently she hasn't been saying it. This was an issue for me from the start. I didn't like that she said it, and I really didn't like that he said "I love you too" or "ditto" to her. He claims he says it but doesn't mean it (which didn't please me either) and that he says it to avoid confrontation with her. I would rather him say it and mean it, then to lie. At least then I could say "see ya.. good luck with that. Bye!"

Apparently she says it to alot of people, as I hear from some of their friends. That made me feel a tad bit better. At least she's not secluding him. But still.. it's weird. It's not something that is easy for me to say. It should be special and meaningful. A little bit of that seems taken away now when he says it to me. Maybe that's just me being silly. Am I?

There is one other friend of his that I've heard tell eachother "I love you." This girl has always been just a friend, and I've met her. She even told him, "Tell Jen I love her too." (She said this without knowing of my issue!) It's great that they all love eachother and whatnot.. but it just seems too intimate to say frivolously between friends. I love my friends too, but I don't tell them at the end of a phone call..I save it for Christmas cards or drunk nights out!

Ugh.. I just can't get passed this one girl. I shouldn't be intimidated by her! He is happy with me. He loves me. I love him! Why can't I just push her out of my mind?! I would sacrafice my talent if it meant ridding myself of these heart-wrenching day dreams I have!

As much as I remind myelf that he is not my cheating ex-boyfriend, or my cheating father, or any of the other guys that have contributed to my lack of trust and faith in people, it doesn't seem to fully get through my head!

A couple months ago when he was visting home again, a few of them were hanging out. He told her about my disliking towards her. This did not make me happy. I feel like now she's got something on me, some kind of tiny bit of power, something to use to her advantage. I imagine that they joke about me or something. I worry that she's trying to get inside his head and make him want her again. I'm crazy, I know. I'm tempted to send her an e-mail and just put everything on the table, get it all out there. I feel like I have to explain myself, why I am the way I am. But I shouldn't have to... especially not to her. I know the e-mail is a bad idea. But I do feel it needs to be confronted. We both know about eachother, and how the other feels. Why not talk about it?

For the first time in my life I really feel I am in the right relationship. I'm terrified of pushing him away and losing him because of my insecurities and paranoia. But at the same time, I don't want to neglect my feelings because of fear. Biting my tongue in the past as only led me to trouble. How can I get past it all? How do I become more secure with myself and our relationship?

I tell him everything, even if I'm scared he'll look at me differently, or scare him away! If I don't, my thoughts will eat me alive. He said he understands. I believe him.

I've always had a tendency to over-think and over-anaylize everything. How can I stop!?? The problem is with me. How do I solve it?

If anyone actually read through this entire thing, then thanks for listening to me rant! I do feel better having just release some of the negativity!
Re: The Ex Factor
Nov 29, 2006
[QUOTE=ILYF]Well personally I don't see why you BF can't see how this is affecting you and "break it off" with this EX GF of his!? Is it worth losing you to keep her? I think it's extremely disrespectful of him to keep on seeing her! I mean how do you really know that they aren't having sex? It's obvious that she still loves him. Maybe they can't get along as a couple but they can be friends with benifits? Noone really knows what's going on when they are alone together but the two of them and that's why you are crazy because you know that the girl wants him. If she had only friendly feeling toward him she would just want what is best for him and not be jealous about you! Have you ever asked him why it's so important to keep her around? Doesn't he have other people to hang out with that aren't his EX? What are his feelings toward infidelity....is he crazy mad if he hears someone's screwing around on someone...or is he unaffected? Just curious because that could be one way to know if you can trust that he's not doing anything. Some people you just know that it's not in their nature and if he's that kind of person I suppose it would be a little easier to accept. I know it's really easy for someone on the outside looking in to tell someone what to do but personally I wouldn't keep going through the pain watching this go on with them...I would tell him to choose because I've done this with my BF.[/QUOTE]

Thank you for the reply.
He doesn't see her often. As far as phone conversations and how often, that I wouldn't know.
He doesn't seem to think that she still wants him, even though I tell him that it seems pretty obvious! Are guys just dense on this subject?!
I don't want to be the type of girlfriend who makes him choose between me or a friend. If I felt she saw him as just a friend I wouldn't have a issue. There inlies the problem. HER and her feelings towards him!!
Everything that you said, about how do you really know if you're not there.. is what terrifies me. One of my biggest fears is him doing one thing and telling me another. He has never lied to me (that I know of, but how does one ever really know!?) I've never caught him in a lie is what I should say. He's never really given me a reason not to trust him.
He's been used in the past, so I know that manipulation and lies are a big deal to him. I really feel that him messing around behind my back would be highly unlikely.. but it's that tiny, itty-bitty, speck of a chance that tears me apart. My mentality is, if he can why wouldn't he? And I only think that way because it's all any guy has ever shown me.
Sorry, I'm off on another rant.
There are still questions that I need to ask him, even if to just ease my on own mind.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and reply.
Re: The Ex Factor
Nov 29, 2006
I know you said he doesn't go to his hometown that often, but have you ever gone with him? Maybe one of the times he goes you can join him. This way you have an opportunity to meet her. You may find that once you have a face to put to the girl and see how they interact she may not bother you as much.

The fact that he told her about your feelings toward her really sucks. Some guys just don't think before they speak.

My husband had many "girl" friends, many of them exes, when we met. In time I met all but one of them. She only seemed to come around when I wasn't with him. I had a 3 year old daughter from a previous marriage so in the beginning we really didn't see eachother all that much. Anyway, she got all mad at him because he wanted to spend Valentine's Day with me instead of her (it was her birthday and she felt that he could have seen me any other day). After that I kept pushing to meet her and it never happened. I picked many fights about it. And yes, he did what your bf did and told her how I didn't like her or the fact that she was only around when I wasn't. Finally, we all went out for his birthday, and she was the last to show up. She barely looked me in the eye, let alone acknowledged any of the effort I made toward conversation. She ended up going elsewhere and pretty much stopped calling him after that. I don't know why, because once I saw her I laughed at how silly I was.

That's just my experience. If your bf has given you no reason not to trust him it may just be worth giving him the benefit of the doubt, and making every effort to meet and get to know her.
Re: The Ex Factor
Nov 29, 2006
[QUOTE=happymom28]I know you said he doesn't go to his hometown that often, but have you ever gone with him? Maybe one of the times he goes you can join him. This way you have an opportunity to meet her. You may find that once you have a face to put to the girl and see how they interact she may not bother you as much.

The fact that he told her about your feelings toward her really sucks. Some guys just don't think before they speak.

My husband had many "girl" friends, many of them exes, when we met. In time I met all but one of them. She only seemed to come around when I wasn't with him. I had a 3 year old daughter from a previous marriage so in the beginning we really didn't see eachother all that much. Anyway, she got all mad at him because he wanted to spend Valentine's Day with me instead of her (it was her birthday and she felt that he could have seen me any other day). After that I kept pushing to meet her and it never happened. I picked many fights about it. And yes, he did what your bf did and told her how I didn't like her or the fact that she was only around when I wasn't. Finally, we all went out for his birthday, and she was the last to show up. She barely looked me in the eye, let alone acknowledged any of the effort I made toward conversation. She ended up going elsewhere and pretty much stopped calling him after that. I don't know why, because once I saw her I laughed at how silly I was.

That's just my experience. If your bf has given you no reason not to trust him it may just be worth giving him the benefit of the doubt, and making every effort to meet and get to know her.[/QUOTE]

Thank you for sharing your experience.

I've only been home with him twice. Once was a day trip and the other was just an over-nighter. We did go to a party, where I thought I would get a chance to finally meet her, but she wasn't there. He knows I would like to meet her for a couple reasons. 1. she is a friend of his, and a part of his life. I want to get to meet all of his friends. 2. as I said before, if I met her, I would get a better feel for her. Put my imagination at ease.

Now that he told her, meeting will be even more awkward! Oh well.. just something that will have to be dealt with right?!

Thanks again for replying!





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