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I could almost laugh having read that.. only because it could have been me who wrote it! You sound EXACTLY like me.

I'm 23 now and have grown alot. Most of my growth had to do with experiences, good and bad. I spent a very long part of my life in a dark place, convinced I wasn't worth breathing the same air as thoughs around me! What brought me out of my haze was a night I don't often like to talk about. It was probably my lowest moment ever. Thankfully, I scared the crap out of myself instead of other possibilities that could have occured.

I woke up the next morning asking myself why I was wasting so much time caring about other people's oppinions. I made myself look at things differently. I put energy into things I enjoyed, like writing and art.

I still have problems with insecurity, but who doesn't right?! In relationships I get extremely scared of being betrayed. My biggest fear is not only being cheated on, but just being lied to and manipulated. Unfortunately for my current boyfriend, my past experiences are effecting him, and us. Being let down by guys is all I've ever known. Since he is friends with a particular ex girlfriend of his that I don't care for.. it's very hard. I only seem to fall back into my "old thinking" when he's back in his hometown, where she still lives. (I just wrote a thread about this! The Ex Factor)

I have to remind myself that my boyfriend is not any of the guys that have contributed to my trouble with trust. I have to trust that he's honest with me. I do tell myself that I am a good person with good qualities and that he is lucky to have a woman like me!! Sounds cheesy, but take a moment from time to time to compliment yourself. You'd be surprised at what effect it can have on you!

Sometimes I do feel like I have nothing to offer, even if just in conversation. Sometimes that thought fades when I remember I'm not a phone person. If you feel your having trouble sharing memories, then do what you can now to make memories. I have such a great group of friends and family now. That helps tremendously. So surround yourself with people that make you happy, that you enjoy being around. The friends I have now make me feel like a better person, compared to my old group of friends where I felt I was competing for their approval.

The difference in myself now compared to the 17 year old me is that, now when I have negative thoughts creeping their way around my head, I try to focus on the good, rather than dwelling in the bad. And most of the time in my case, the bad is all in my imagination and just thinking the worst. There was a time where I expected the worst because that's just the way things seemed to go for me. I learned then, that if you already think something will be bad, then it will be, but only because you've made it that way, like you're pre-determined it. So as cliche as it sounds.. think positive!

I'm not sure if all this has helped any or if it's just been one giant ramble! I hope you got something out of it!:D





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