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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Yeah I know I sound like a winge but I really feel down, I have lots of personal problems and this just adds to it, I'm just really misreble. I'm an 18 year old guy, never had a girlfriend. I don't get approached by girls really and I know i'm not very attractive, I don't think this is a confidence issue at all, sometimes you just have to face facts that you are not good looking. I wish I had that attention off females, it would be fun... I know I sound selfish but its just really misreble so I'm hoping people can relate. Yeah, sure lots of people say the personality factor, but i'm not friends with many girls at all and I'm the sort of guy who would go to a club and hope to find a nice girl I didnt know previously who likes me back and hope that things take off, but its never worked. Many girls just arent interested in me. The only girls who have told me they found me attractive were pretty much just people I knew over the internet, and as many of you know, people can look different in person. Maybe i'm just being too selfish and greedy, or ever picky but any chance of a relationship in the near future looks dim, and I want to experience all this while i'm still young :(
do you go to the gym? do you wear cologne? how do you fix your hair? What I am getting at is that if you did certain things, like have good hygiene, you will feel good about the way you look. People will respond to you better, and next thing you know---BAM! You've got a lady friend! Guys have much easier than girls. You can get a nice polo shirt and khakis at wal-mart. I'm telling you,: Take a shower. Shave. Brush your teeth. Put some gel in your hair. Pat a little aftershave on your face. Spray your body with a little Aqua di Gio. Put on clean boxers w/ no holes in 'em. Put on matching socks. Put on khaki pants, a white undershirt, and a nice polo shirt. If you have a watch, like a silver, fancy, bulky looking watch (Can also be purchased at wal-mart), put it on, too. Wear a pair of solid colored shoes (black or brown will do fine, whichever matches your top). and last but not least, SMILE:). And you're set. People will be drawn to you. This formula is fail proof.

Don't forget to life weights 2-3x/wk. I am not saying that people have to look a certain way to be loved, I am just saying you sound desperate and rather than give you words about loving yourself inside and out and how girls your age are immature, i'm telling you ACTIONS. Do it. PLEASE. For two weeks. Let us know what happens.

If you get dressed and don't have anywhere to go, or anyone to hang out with, go grocery shopping, walk around the mall as if you are looking for something in particular, etc. Is there a topic you are interested in? Go to the mall/borders/etc. and meander around the bookstore. Girls dig smart guys, or guys who read, guys who have an interest that he can teach her about. Purchase the book, and enjoy the improved you that is getting a life and moving out of your self-pity. If you still don't have any hits, keep trying. Keep goign to the bookstore, or wherever. If you can't afford to buy a book, then just look at the magazines and don't buy one. And don't look at the porno mags, either. It needs to be something else.

You'll see. Trust me on this.

(I have a very close friend who every guy she has dated fits this description. And every single one of these guys is chock full of flaws---some have been mean to her, too quiet, INCREDIBLY overweight, etc.)Act like you are a catch, and someone will want to hang on!

And don't worry about being inexperienced. I have never met a female who resented a guy for being inexperienced. In fact, they have prefered it. You have a good thing going for you. Be careful with it.
and as far as looks, how you act determines how people think about the way you look. It sounds lame, and like b.s., but it's true.

When i say I'm hot, people believe me. When i say I'm ugly, people believe me. It's all about presentation.

Think about all the ugly famous people that we label as attractive.

And look at Donald Trump. UGLY---but name a woman that wouldn't like him! He takes care of his appearance and acts like he is the greatest, so who wouldn't want to be around that positivity? It's a major turn on.

If you are clean, and your clothes are clean, it's really hard to be ugly. REALLY hard. I'm telling u, this works!
Jimmy:

Men are visual creatures. They make decisions with their eyes. Women don't. At least good women don't and that's a majority. But since men judge women on their looks, they think women are doing the same. And as the two who have already responded have said, that's not as true as you think.

And they are correct. You will have a much better shot at things if you are clean. When I first met my husband, his teeth looked terribly dirty. A bit later I noticed they were sparkling. Well, it turns out he has a crown on a front tooth that stains with coffee/pop. Hubby is not tall or buff or Brad Pitt handsome. That didn't matter. But that stained, tooth almost turned me away. He's just let off on some dental maintenance for a bit, but that was what I zoned in on. (But personally, I'd say go very light on the aftershave. Just a touch. I have major alergies and you don't want someone interested pulling away because you are taking their breath.)

And, try to keep things in perspective. It's very hard to meet people. Period. It's not just you. And, a question: When you say internet, do you mean chat type settings? If you haven't tried an actual dating site, you might give that a try. With your age, you may not have been able to use a dating site yet, but they are a pretty good way to meet people.

And one more thing. While I agree with the people who have responded before me, I also agree with you. You are correct. Like it or not, some of us just are not as attractive as others. I'm one of those people. And I think you are very correct that there are times when you just have to face reality. But that just means that you have different strengths that you will have to use. Start with the fact that you can write an intelligent, reasoned post that I could read once and understand! You're smart. It will take time but listen to what people are telling you and start working it into your thoughts and actions. And don't get down if you don't meet someone the first month. It may take a little time. But you will get there while you are still young! (And that's smart, by the way. Start working and making it happen for you. You do have the right to enjoy while you are young.)
The first few guys I dated weren't considered attractive, but that's not why I went out with them. The first one I really liked because he made me laugh, like a lot, and I really loved his sense of humor. To this day, we remain friends, although the relationship part didn't work out, and he still makes me laugh! I just hope that his wife knows how funny he is, because he deserves to be with someone who will appreciate his humor.

The second guy wasn't much to look at either, but he still had confidence. You'd be surprised how far confidence will get you. I'm not saying he was arrogant, because that's different. He just knew who he was and what he was about, and didn't let anyone else's opinions of him change who he was. I thought that was pretty cool. That one unfortunately ended because he cheated on me, and it was with a girl who was actually prettier than me, so that blows your theory right out the window.

As it has already been posted, women aren't as hung up on looks as men. That's not to say that there are some women who are completely superficial and only go for the really hot looking guys. Sure there are those out there. But most normal women who really just want a great guy they can depend on and who is right for them don't use looks as the one and only factor for whether or not they'll date someone. Most normal women just want a guy who is not a player or a cheater, and they are more interested in personality and whether or not the guy is capable of expressing himself and communicate well.

Besides, you're still really young, you've got plenty of time to find a girlfriend. When you get older, you'll see the more mature women like guys based on who they are, not who they look like. That is a fact.
Hi there!

I just wanted to say, since everyone else pretty much summed it up...

Some of the most wonderful men I know, are not all that attractive PHYSICALLY....but, one needs to remember, it's what is on the inside that matters, not on the outside.

I know some beautiful people too....many of whom are not anyone I'd date, they are too selfish, sure of themselves etc.

Go out, do laundry, the mall, grocery shopping like the others have said. Get yourself out there, join groups with interests of yours.....you WILL find the RIGHT woman, when the time is right!

Everyone has a perfect mate.....sometimes it just takes time!

I've been married for 11 years....and with my husband for almost 15.....we were together all of the time before we dated and I would have NEVER thought we'd end up together. Life works in funny ways sometimes.....he was right under my nose.

Good luck! Merry Christmas!
I bet you have other good qualities. I am a big fan of sex and the city. Remember gorgeous woman chose fat and bold guy 'cause of his great personality.
I bet you will meet right woman, just keep trying. Unfortinately I can't set you up with some women I know.
I too dated my fair share of what most women would not consider the most attractive men. It's not all about looks for me. I find that really attractive guys have huge egos and turn out to be total *$$holes!

Don't sell yourself short, personality goes a long way. Personally, I find a sense of humor to be one of the most attractive things about a man. Someone who doesn't take himself too seriously and can roll with the punches. My husband is tall, very thin, has a larger nose, and tends to wear a lot of "grandpa" sweaters, but he can always make me laugh and he treats me like a princess. I wouldn't trade that in for Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, or any one of those other guys.

Hygeine does go a long way with how you feel about yourself. I find that most women think if I guy doesn't do the basics like shower, shave, and brush his teeth that they just don't have a lot of confidense or self esteem which I find unattractive. So if you aren't already doing these basics this will help. Also, when you are out watch your body language. Stand tall, make eye contact, and SMILE!!!!!

I'm sure you're not even half as bad as you are making yourself out to be. You say it's not a confidense thing, but I totally think it is.

Best of luck to you!!!!!!!!!
God doesn't make ugly. I found that out. I didn't consider myself attractive either but there are people out there who will and do think I am. You will find that person. The only thing that can make a person ugly is their personality...selfishness, greed, and being so full of themselves that they cannot think of other people. People who are mean to others are ugly. Finding the right person takes time but you will find her. She is out there. :D
I truly believe that women are more picky than men. Men get a bad rap. True they are visual. But women are even more superficial when it comes to looks. Men will be attracted to most women just because they are women. There is no mystery. Even if a woman is average or homely even....most men will find a woman attractive just because she is a woman. If a woman has even one physical attribute, most men will find her sexy. But the opposite is not true for women. They put much more importance on the way a man looks facially than men do. Women only go weak in the knees for truely model perfect, men with chiseled faces. If a man is ugly or even average...unless he has money or power...MOST women won't find him attractive at all. "Nice Guy" is code for average or ugly. Men truly get a bad rap for being shallow when it comes to looks....but I truly believe men are much more accepting and easy to find more women attractive. While women are much more picky and perfectionist. And not only about looks. But money and career too. There is so much pressure on men. Women have the power sexually. At least until a certain age. Men don't want models. That is a fallacy. Women and gay men control the fashion industry, and put pressure on themselves. Sadly most women try to land the "hot guy" when they are young. As they get older, they try to land the "rich AND hot guy". Then they just try for the "rich guy"....and lastly, they regret the funny nice average guys they ignored all those years ago. Tragic. :-)
Well there is a saying, it sounds very corny but its true- "Your most attractive features are your heart and soul"
Talking generally? Physically what do men and women find beautiful? Of course this varies and everyone has their own likes and dislikes....but I have a theory.

Underneath it all, on a purely physical level I believe that women are attracted to handsome male faces, and men are more attracted to female bodies.

Think about it. Men will look at and be attracted to an average or even ugly woman with a nice body. While for a woman to consider a man HOT, he has to have a handsome face. Even an average or ugly guy with a GREAT body won't be considered HOT by women in general.

I think this is the big difference between men and women on a physical level. I wish it was the other way around. Because you can change a body by working out, but you are kinda stuck with your face. So in that regard, women have it ALOT easier. Men are far less picky. While women are MUCH more picky.

I know this seems opposite of what is normally believed. Men get a bad rap for being shallow. But women are even more so.

Again think about it. If a woman has ONE nice bodily feature, or works out...MEN will think she is HOT. That is a huge boost in her ego, and women do have an easy power over men. I truly believe that the pressure women feel is not from men. This is a lie. I believe women put pressure on other women. They compete and cause their own pain.

While men are stuck with the face they are given. If they are average or ugly...they can work out all they want. They can have an olympic athletes body, and they will never be looked at as HOT by women in general. The ONLY way to make women look at them differently would be if they were rich or famous. But take away that fame or money, and they'd go back to being average joes.

THIS is the big difference between men and women. An average or even ugly woman who has a nice body will be LUSTED after. So in this way, women have it alot easier. Men in general will pay them attention and consider them HOT and SEXY. They don't need to be rich or famous. Something as simple as a nice body, boobs, butt or legs will get a woman noticed.

Most Women have this INCREDIBLE power over men. Their enemy is not men. The only thing they fear is getting older. Age slowly takes their sexual power away. Many women blame men for then being shallow(only wanting young women). But for most of their young lives they had SUPREME power over men. Men are the ones who faced rejection, pain and suffering. So to suddenly loose that power, many women blame men. I think this is unfair. I think the happiest women are the ones who treat men nicely and don't abuse their sexual power when they are younger. That way when they get older, they won't feel bad when their sexual power begins to fade.
What is very sexy is being relaxed and confident about who you are. People pick up on that. Be well-read and make good conversation.
Well ya ever watch Seinfeld...the show where they say "only 5% are date-able" Being unattractive should not keep you from finding someone to live your life with. LOOK AROUND YOU! I think 5% is being generous! 95% of the population are pretty much unattractive. We try to compare ourselves to celebrities and they do not represent the general population...they are the most beautiful people and represent a very very small % of the population! Then you have the people that are attractive but are such rotten people that who'd want to be with them!? Give me a middle of the road attractive man that's a good person any day over some guy that's an AH and thinks he's god's gift to women!
All of my life I have felt sub-standard to what other guys look like in their appearance. I will be blunt:

1. I am short for a guy (5'6"), where most guys are 5'9" or more.
2. I'm light complected, where as guys are supposed to be tan.
3. I started loosing my hair when I was in my late teens/early 20's, now I'm pretty bald, my head shines because of it, and I have bad complexion due to the oils that are constantly being produced, where as the attractive guys have full head of hair.
4. I have too many moles, rather than no "skin flaws".
5. I have too much body hair, including on my shoulders and back, where as guys that are "hot" are basically hairless.
6. I have reverse racoon eyes, meaning the skin around my eyes is lighter colored than the rest of my face, making it look like I got sun on my face while wearing sunglasses.
7. My ears are not level. One is lower than the other, rather than at the same level.
8. My teeth are crooked rather than nice straight teeth.

Shall I go on?

I have no idea if I'll ever "find someone and be married to them for years". Life MAY be just that way for you, and you may always want to find someone. You shouldn't stop looking, or give up that hope, but you should learn to live your life as if you WILL REMAIN single for the rest of your life. What that means is enjoying life anyway. Hobbies, friends, family, . . . and make the best of it.

To be honest, you're ONLY 18 years old. If, in 20 years, you come back to this site with the same story, then I would understand much better, . . . . .but probably give the same advice. 18 years of life is not that much. You may go to college, work towards your major, achieve it, go on to a good job, . . . then be amazed by girls taking an interest in you.

I've heard it said by many women, including those on here. . . . . women are attracted to confidence. They must have some sort of 6th sense that detects "lack of confidence". The best confidence is when you don't NEED to have a girl in your life to have a fulfilling life.

I'm almost 39 and am single. I may be for the rest of my life, but I will make the best of my life!
dobedobedo I don't think your right...you sound very bitter about women. Women don't only look for good looking rich men and not give average men a chance. If I was to be totally critical of the men I've dated I would say yes some were good looking but the guy I married (though I find him sexy and handsome) if he was rated by anyone else he's average tall but thin receeding hair line etc. What draws women to him still and when we were dating(it was ridculous he use to get hit on right in front of me) is his attitude he's confident funny and has charisma. Yes be clean try and dress nice but try and be confident too. Looks aren't everything and in the end they are not what will keep a girl around. Looks are the instant attraction sure but there has to be something after that. If you don't have the instant attraction then you know what girls you meet and talk to etc will see that in time and be drawn to you, you'll build a relationship rather than just have physical. I think what takes a guy from average to sexy is attitude
beauty is in the eye of the beholder
take away all the modern technology and culture, and underneath it all, we are animals...sexual animals. There is nothing more life affirming then being wanted sexually. To be the object of desire from the opposite sex. At least in ones youth, it can lift ones spirit and make one feel powerful. its primal. and on a sexual level, men have it worse. MUCH worse than women. women have it much easier. They have all the sexual power. why? simply because MOST men find MOST women sexy. MOST men see most women in a sexual way. There are less criteria that makes a women hot. Now men are often bashed for this, but if you really look at it, it means that men find most women attractive just for being a woman. a woman by the sheer virtue of her femininity has the power. now most women dont want attention from ALL men. Women are more selective. more picky. And that is their perogative. After all, biologically they make more of a sacrifice giving birth.

BUT, in todays modern world it is brutal for men. Think about it. A woman could have an average or homely face, and yet if she has nice breasts, or butt or takes care of her body...she WILL have sexual power, and men will look at her in a sexual way. Now before any feminists jump all over that statement as sexist...NO!!! Just the opposite is true. Most women will feel the desire of the opposite sex....feel the joy in that power.

Now the same can't be said for men. Unfortunately for a man to have that same animalistic sexual attraction from women, they have to have a handsome face. If you are an average or homely guy in the face...you will NEVER get the same universal sexual reaction from the mass majority of women. You could work out in the gym all you want...but no matter how buff or masculine your body....if your face is average or homely...you will NEVER have the same kind of power that an average or homely woman with a nice body has. EVER!

Thats because male celebrity or "hotness" is MOSTLY based on the face...where as female hotness is mostly based on the body.

Now you can EASILY change the body if you are overweight either thru excercise or surgery. But men with an average or homely face will always be average or homely to the mass female population. They won't feel the power of that kind of attraction.

Even the handsome men still have to jump thru all sorts of hoops and are judged in ways that women never are. Sure the hot guys will get easy sex...but when it comes to relationships, even handsome men are also judged by their job, their career, their status, their car, etc. While most men don't care or judge women in this way...even in this day of equality between the sexes.

So average or homely men have it worst of all. Even if they are lucky enough to get the attention of an attractive woman, they still have more hurdles to jump thru. It is so stressful.

Women complain that men oggle them...yet in reality, they don't mind being looked at at all. They just want to be looked at by hot guys. Most men would die to be oggled by a woman. To be lusted after. But for the mass majority of men, that will NEVER happen.They will never feel this power. While average or even homely women feel this power all the time. Average women KNOW they have this power and that is why they always go for the bad boy or hot guy even when he treats her like crap. Women are a sucker for a hot male face just as men are suckers for a hot body.

Women don't have to try hard at all. Men on the other hand are handicapped from the get go.If you don't have a handsome face, forget it...you are at a loss. All an average woman has to do is put on some jeans and a t shirt, and they will turn the head of most men. Think of that power.

Good looking men have this power. Only men with handsome faces have this kind of power. Women act like crazed sexual creatures when a man with a handsome face walks in a room. You ALL have seen it. But what women fail to admit is that MOST women have this power. They don't have to have a models face. THIS is my point. So the vast majority of men will never feel this power that handsome men and MOST women possess. EVER.
Ive never ever had a good looking boyfriend. Not ever.

I find the better looking they are, the uglier the personality which is what sticks in the end.

Girls dont care how you look really.
The best thing that you can do is to study hard in school and in college and get a high-paying job. I've seen some truly ugly men with beautiful women as wives because they have a stable high-paying job.

There was this guy in high school who was always trying to get me to go out with him. He was short, a little overweight, orange hair, freckles, fair skin. I never wanted to be anything more than friends. He got scholarships from several different organizations. He was highly honored at our high school graduation ceremony. He went to GA Tech and became an engineer.

I saw him a few years ago at a funeral. He has a gorgeous wife. A young blonde bombshell. I was shocked! He has two gorgeous children. I hope that he felt vidicated, he deserved it.
Jimmy,

May I suggest online dating? Why online dating. Well, I too had trouble getting dates. So I joined one of these dating websites. I actually began talking to someone who I never saw his picture and that was 9 months ago. He has become a very important part of my life. I think by communicating via the internet, email and IMing each other, we got to know each other and by the time we met, we had known eachother almost inside out. We both admitted to each other that had we met on the street, we would have passed eachother by because we didn't meet eachothers' physical criteria. But now that we know each other, I think he is the most handsome man in the world.

Regardless of how you choose to meet people, one thing is important. People will perceive you based on how you perceive yourself. Remember that God created you the way He wanted to create you and because of that....you are beautiful.

Take care.
[QUOTE=dobedobedo;3103364] While for a woman to consider a man HOT, he has to have a handsome face. Even an average or ugly guy with a GREAT body won't be considered HOT by women in general.[/QUOTE]

Yes. I totally agree. Everybody makes the false assumption that a guy who shaves his head is hot to women if he has confidence, etc, is clean cut yada yad yada,

BUT, that's assuming he looks good that way! If he's got an ugly face (crooked nose, etc ) women will not find him attractive. And w/o the "initial physical attraction" that most women require, they will have no interest in this type of guy.

[QUOTE=dobedobedo;3103364]Because you can change a body by working out, but you are kinda stuck with your face. So in that regard, women have it ALOT easier. Men are far less picky. While women are MUCH more picky.

I know this seems opposite of what is normally believed.
Men get a bad rap for being shallow. But women are even more so.[/QUOTE]

This is true as well. All women have to do is go to the gym, watch their diet, etc... and they seem to get much more oppurtunities in life. It seems as if everything just "comes to them" They have freinds, meet sexual partners, etc. The same is NOT true for men who go to the gym, watch their diet, take care of themselves, etc...


[QUOTE=dobedobedo;3103364]While men are stuck with the face they are given. If they are average or ugly...they can work out all they want. They can have an olympic athletes body, and they will never be looked at as HOT by women in general. The ONLY way to make women look at them differently would be if they were rich or famous. But take away that fame or money, and they'd go back to being average joes.

[/QUOTE]

Again, I agree with this. I am one of those ugly guys that is bald, shave my head, work out regularly, I'm very clean cut, confident, wear nice sharp clothes, have a good career, etc. But, I have crooked nose, and a weird shaped face and head, and scars on my scalp. I'm a very ugly guy from the shoulders up.

Women always reject me if I ask them out, and they NEVER notice me - I always have to get their attention. Then, they act "annoyed" because a loser such as myself is trying to talk to them. Anyways, I'm confident, I smile at them, I say interesting things to them and some even laugh, etc.

But, they are NEVER interested. Women never want to go out with me - even if i'm friends with them first for years, they never, ever want to hook up. I havn't had a date in 15 years!

They always give me the "i'm sorry, but I have a boyfriend" routine. Or, "I'm married" - but I look at their hand and they're never wearing a wedding ring!

Other guys think i'm gay, because i'm never with a women on a date. I have to pay $$, to get any ... - you get the idea.

A few times a couple of my friends and relatives have tried to hook me up on "blind dates" But, the women run away and refuse to go on the date before it even starts (as soon as they see me), or they will deny the invitation once they see a picture of my face (after initially accepting it).

Its very sad and lonely to be me. But, its like one previous poster said, I'll have to live this way for the rest of my life. :(
I realize this is an old thread, but I wanted to add my $.02
I've also struggled with this problem my entire life. I'm clean and fit...I have good hygiene (shower daily, brush my teeth, use deodorant, wear clean clothes, ect.) I'm in excellent physical shape..tall, blue eyes, lean, muscular and toned. Although it has thinned slightly with age I still have a full head of hair. But, no matter how well groomed I am and how nicely I dress there's nothing short of plastic surgery or a full face transplant than can fix my appearance. I don't need anyone to tell me I have a face only a mother could love...its rather obvious to most people including myself. No matter how much effort I put into my apperance to make up for what I lack it doesn't matter...I'm all but invisible to women. I've never once been approached or flirted with by the opposite sex and I've been called ugly and rejected enough times both in real life and on dating sites to know that looks DO matter.

Several years ago I did an experiment on a free dating site. I created two identical profiles using the exact same message content and attached pictures to both of them. On one profile I used a photo of myself, a good picture in which I was smiling and well dressed. In the other profile I used a picture I swiped off of hotornot.com of a young attractive man. I changed the location on each profile so they both wouldn't show up under the same search results, but I placed each one in a large metropolitan area with similar populations. I left both profiles up for two weeks. During that time I recieved zero replies on my profile, while the fake one got over a dozen messages. The results of my experiment were hardly surprising.





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