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This is more of a rant than anything.

So I'm in a relationship with this girl. We've been really good friends for a LONG time, and about 8 months ago we decided we should go out. I was really into her, and she was really into me. Well, we still are.

I go to college, and she's in high school... It's been the case since we started going out. Right now she's a senior... Anyway. I've been seeing her every week, and we talk on the phone for almost every night. When we see each other, usually, she sleeps over and we see each other most of the time.

But lately the distance has been getting to me...

I'm back for winter break now and we are able to see each other as much as we want, so that's good. But I worry WAY too much.

Ever since I was little, I worried about everything. When I was like 10 I used to not be able to sleep worrying about whether I actually love my parents or not. When I was with my ex I kept on worrying about whether or not I actually liked her or whether she actually liked me. Well, she didn't. >_>

Now I'm 19, and after being in a perfect relationship for 8 months (and trying my best not to worry) I've started to worry again.

First I kept on worrying about whether she might subconciously like somebody else... But I know that's stupid and I'm just being jealous for no reason, so I told myself to stop. Immediately it went on to worrying about other things.

So last night me and her smoked weed, and went to her house... Where her mom was up, and if her mom knew we were high we'd be... Well, in trouble, to say the least. So I was paranoid about that, and I kinda wanted to not be in her house while under the influence. But at first everything was fine...

She asked me if I love her, and at that moment I got so scared. I started to worry, like... "What if I don't love her? What if I only said I did because I believe I did but actually don't and what if I don't love anybody and what if I'm gonna end up hurting her?"

And for the whole night I just worried about that. Looking back it seems stupid, but it's been worrying me so much ever since. I'm ALWAYS paranoid about other people and think they're out to get me... But if I stop worrying about them, I start worrying about myself. I mean, what if I don't love her? What if I end up hurting her? I don't want her to be hurt... I want her to be happy, and it's scaring me that I felt weird last night... Was it because I was stoned? Was it because I was stoned in an environment that I'm not too fond of? Or is it because of another reason?

I mean, usually I'm kind of clingy and she knocks me back to my senses, ensures me that she cares about me but I shouldn't be selfish... And yesterday kind of reversed that. She was all loving, and I was kind of... Distant. That was a rarity. Maybe it was because I was caught off guard.

I've even had the thought "What if I only think I love her because I can't get anybody else?" But that doesn't even make sense, 'cause there ARE people that like me... And I don't even feel the same anyway...

Or maybe I worry because this is the first REALLY successful relationship I've ever been in, and knowing that this JUST might last forever is scary... I mean, I don't want to be with anybody else, but it's still scary. Like, don't get me wrong, when I think of what the future might hold with her, I am very happy. I imagine happiness, children, and it doesn't scare me at all. But then I wonder, am I supposed to feel like this at this age?

I like my girlfriend way too much, and just writing this helped a lot... But I know I'll be worried again. I always do, whether I'm single or not. And I'm sick of it. Am I just really paranoid? How come I felt so weird yesterday? And how come I always feel guilty? I mean, she once told me that her heart was tingling at one point of being with me... And then I said mine was too. And she said "Really?" and I said "Yeah" And she said "I know, you wouldn't lie to me..." But as soon as she said that I started worrying, what if I only made up that memory of my heart tingling?

I don't understand why I worry so much. Maybe I try to push people away from me. I've always worried about friends, family, and girlfriends.

I've tried to avoid posting about it here because I'm scared that I'll worry more, but I just needed to rant in a place people will see it and hopefully tell me what's wrong with me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... Is this a problem with the relationship (Like, every one I've ever been in)? Or is this a problem with me? if so, what do I do to correct it?

Sorry for the jumpy writing, I usually communicate well. I just feel out of it right now... I think I am still burnt out from smoking 2 nights in a row.





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