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I'll try to sum this up as much as possible, but chances are it will be incredibly long anyways.

I'm 20. I was in a relationship for five years. It ended about 5 months ago. Quite frankly, I'm over it. I loved that girl, but when she went to college two years ago, it just went downhill. So when we finally split, it was to be expected, anyway. Plus the way it ended and some of the things went on, it just made me realize I had a lot to offer and I should find somebody who appreciates it.

So anyway, here's what happened. I met this new girl through work, let's call her Sue. Sue and I worked together for two years, however we rarely RARELY worked together. Now and then, I'd say once every 1-2 months, we'd find ourselves in the break room at the same time and we'd end up talking. Things just seemed to click, we were always friendly with each other and things just felt good. She had a boyfriend, I had a girlfriend. Both of the relationships have since ended, and her and I are both single.

So we start talking more, which leads into us calling each other and shortly thereafter going out. We went out a few times, I wouldn't call it a true "date" but it was very flirty and 1 on 1. We had fun doing that. I'd say after the 4th or 5th time we went "out" is when I actually asked her out. She didn't decline, and then we started a relationship.

Well, two weeks later, which was a few days ago, she and I got together. She explained to me that a mistake she continuously made in past relationships is not speaking up when she wasn't sure of something or had something on her mind. So I told her to speak up. She said well, how do you think things are going? I said pretty well, why? She said she wasn't sure. She just seemed like she was in a gray area.

The more we talked the more everything started to make sense, I guess. She didn't TELL me anything, she asked me if we could go back to being friends for a while and see how that goes. She said in the past she's always been friends with guys for a long time before they started dating, and that always worked out. The thing that hasn't worked out is her keeping her mouth shut when she sensed something a little "off," which is why she was talking to me about this. She said being friendly with each other on break at work, plus a few dates, THEN jumping right to dating isn't what she's used to.

She also told me she dated her ex for six months, and still thinks about him on and off. Now before you start going AH HAH!, listen up. She didn't mean it like I still want to be with him, they're long since done and he's across the nation. Now, here's the kicker. She told me that she still thinks about him on and off, and she was like, you dated your ex for five years, you have to think about her pretty often.

I said well, I wonder how she's doing, but that's about it. I said granted, she's a huge part of my history, but I can't control that, and all I can do is control the way my future goes. She said well, I just want to make sure I'm not a rebound or anything for you. If something happens, I want it to be real. And I said well I understand. She smiled and said you know, I really like how respectful you are of me, you treat me in ways other guys haven't and I appreciate that. I smiled and said well, I try my best.

In short: It sounded to me like she was just in a gray area. She just wanted to make sure that I wasn't using her as a rebound, and she also wanted to build a relationship off of a more concrete foundation. She said it felt like we were floating, and didn't have much of a firm grasp to build a relationship up. She said if we just remain friends, and the more time goes on the stronger a connection gets, then we'll see what happens.

But I don't know. I guess somehow I'm just... mixed up. One side of me is like, dude, it's over, move on find somebody else. Another side is like NO! She's amazing, and she's just looking out for her own well being, stick around her, try your best and see where the future takes you.

The other kicker is, she told me that in the past she's done this same thing, where she felt like she rushed into a relationship and kicked it back a notch to friendship before anything happened. She said that's when the guy just stopped calling her, so she knew that it wasn't worth it if he wasn't going to make an attempt to make the friendship stronger in order to build a relationship.

So what does everyone think? I swear I'm not using this girl as a rebound. When my ex and I split up, I looked at myself and evaluated everything that was going on. It was then I realized I had a lot to offer, and quite frankly I felt like I deserved someone who was going to treat me in the same way I'd treat her. When I met this girl, everything just fit. It was great. She was seriously a carbon copy of the "perfect match for me" I had envisioned in my brain all along. She's told me a few times she appreciates how gentlemanly I am, and was very happy to know that I wasn't going to stop talking to her when we kicked it back to friends. So what do you folks think? Just keep trying to be friendly with her and see what happens? A small small teeny part of me can't help but to think, maybe there's another guy and she wanted to be single to see what happens with him? I highly doubt it, she's a very "wholesome" and honest girl, she's just a really decent down to earth person, so I highly doubt that she'd do something like that. BUT STILL, I just need some outsiders opinions.

Ladies, Gents, what do you think? If you were in MY shoes, what would you do? If you'd try to do things with her, how often would you recommend? Should I talk to her once a week to do something? Five times a week? Once every six months? Never? I just need some comments/suggestions/opinions. Anything would help!
Yeah, don't get me wrong I was a bit annoyed. But she's a great person. She was explaining to me she learns from mistakes, and when she makes mistakes she makes sure she doesn't repeat them, which is why she was pretty fixed on doing things her way... because she knows what worked for her. Granted it sounds like the world is revolving around her, but you DO have to look out for yourself too, ya know.

And about her with past guys not coming back to her after being friends, I didn't mean it like she was testing them. Like they'd go back to being friends, but then they'd never call her again. She knew that it wasn't meant to be. If it was meant to be, they would of ended up together, but since the guy made no effort at all it just fizzled.

I mean, I gotta admit, she's smart as hell, and is very independent and really fixed on being happy in life. She's just looking out for herself, and came to realize she was about to do the same thing she used to do in the past - jumping in a relationship too early. Plus the fact I was with a girl for 5 years has a burden on it too, because she just doesn't see that I'm over it. Thing she has to realize is, is that the last 2 years of that 5 year relationship went completely down the shitter. The entire time I knew we'd break up, I just held onto a small ounce of hope and tried to keep it together. But, in the end, it didn't work out. So it wasn't like it was a 5 year old strong relationship until the bitter end. It was a great 3 years, then the last 2 years just drifted away.

But anyway, I'm trying to keep a clear mind. I want to stay focused on the things I have to do, that's first priority. But besides that, I really want this girl. I feel like we just have to hang out more so she knows exactly how interested I am in her. Maybe then we could try to work it out again. Then again, maybe we'll always be friends. :( Who knows......
Little update:

Nothing has really changed. We've continued talking to each other on the phone, and went hiking together on thursday or so. I'm kind of jumping back and forth now, being very wishywashy. Not sure what I want. I guess it's this other girl to blame... you see, my buddy knows this girl, and she was joking around and asking him if he had any single friends. He said, as a matter of fact I do. He told her about me, and suddenly she's interested in me. I've spoken to her online, however I've never met her in person. I've seen pictures of her, so it's not like she's a COMPLETE stranger. But still... just knowing she seems distantly interested in me has given me the confidence that maybe I shouldn't be sitting around puppydogging over this other girl trying to figure out what's going to happen.

I'm starting to wonder what to do. Sometimes I get the feeling that her and I have this INCREDIBLE connection and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Other times I sincerely doubt she feels ANYTHING for me. The only fear I have of talking to her is that, I don't want her to feel as though I'm being pushy. I just don't want her to be there thinking "Hmm, well, he is a nice guy, and he treats me so well..." then I ask her what she feels, and that push her back over the fence of "blah, not interested." Ya know? If she's on the fence I don't want to push her. Yet I still want to know.

And it's not a matter of oh okay if this doesn't work out with this girl, then I'll go running after the other one that's interested in me. It's not that. However, if that's the way things work out, then so be it. But just knowing that this other girl is distantly interested in me has just given me the confidence that maybe I shouldn't be sitting around like this trying to play this waiting game.

What do you guys say? Is it time I talk to her? Or should I just let it go, because after all... the ball kind of IS in her court. If I do talk to her, I'd probably say something simple (and at the right time of course) something like "So how do you feel about us?" It's simple, yet to the point and will do the job.

I need input. Comments, suggestions, whatever. What to dooooooooo!?!? :dizzy:


You know, I did some more thinking and talked to a buddy of mine. This first girl I spoke of, I gave it my all. We even dated. She wanted to be friends. So I'm not going to sit around and puppydog over her. This week my buddy, his girlfriend, me, and this other girl are going to hang out and just chill. So we'll see what happens. Nothing wrong with being friends. If her and I hit it off, maybe I'll pursue her. On the other hand, maybe I'll run the other way. If things don't work out, and the first girl I spoke of starts coming around, then we'll see what happens. But quite frankly I'm only 20 and I need to have some fun, and since I gave it my all and even stuck around for another month just in case she wanted to get things going again and nothing's happening, maybe it's just time I just see what else is out there. Not that I'm going to downright ignore her, however I am going to keep an open mind. Eh? Any input on this?
Well, I guess it doesn't matter... because I was just informed my buddy told her everything, and told her not to really expect anything from me because I'm not sure what to do so I'm just going to keep to myself and see what happens. He told her I've gotten burned like 4 times in a row so I'm just paranoid of hurting anybody else again. Evidently that only grew her in closer to me, because she thought I was very intelligent and very aware of other's sensitivity.

But whatever... What do you guys think I should do? Talk to the first girl FIRST, then decide what to do? Or should I go ahead and friendly meet the second girl with my buddy and his girlfriend and just chill, then see what happens? I mean the more I think about it, the more I'm like... the first girl had her chance, we even DATED and she kicked it back to friends. I did what I could... *shrug*
Oh wow, what a saga...

Well, personally I think girl no 1 'Sue', is quite selfish. I think if you were to find another girl, she would have no one to blame but herself. SURELY she can't expect you to be 'exclusive' friends on the promise that 'one day' it 'may' become something? I think it's terribly immature and it's a very poor game she is playing with you... and she will be the ultimate loser, which is why she has had guys lose interest in the past.

You allowed her to speak her mind, was sensitive to her emotions and put effort in to make her feel more comfortable. When has she done this for you? I would now exercise YOUR right to speak of YOUR emotions, and be very frank with her. You have given her time to feel more comfortable and build a 'foundation' (what utter crap - dating someone IS making the foundation and getting to know the other on an intimate level), now it's time for her to give you an indication as to if it is going to move on (and not months down the track) or not. You just can't string people along like this and expect them to happily grovel at your every command. It's just not typical human nature. She has blamed the guys for her relationship breakdowns, but I'll give her the hot tip... it's her own attitude that has turned people off. Geez I wouldn't even want to be friends with someone who was so inflexible and willing to make YOU take the blame for her past ill relationships.

I say go and meet this other girl. Nothing is stopping you, you are only 'friends' with girl no 1. And you are only meeting girl no 2 as friends. I see nothing wrong with that. If girl no 1 was so worried about it, she would be dating you right now... and not just 'testing' you. For goodness sakes suck up your pride and start saying what YOU want... cause after all, if you have to follow the guidelines of a 'perfect' relationship, it's not all just about one person, it's about compromise... which you are doing, she is not.

Goodness I don't even know what you see in her, she's making ME angry with her immature attitude. And don't tell me it's her way of looking after herself... that's the poorest excuse I've ever heard...

Go have some fun and meet new people... don't be tied to her when she is playing this silly game. You can still be friends, but start meeting others as well...

Good luck!!

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