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Relationship Health Message Board


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I understand....it's shocking when you finally experience it face to face. I had a boyfriend who lived with me for 2.5 yrs, who was a narcississst, I discovered that after the fact, and it was amazing reading about it. I read a book called malignant self love, by sam vaknin (a narcississtt himself). You can read about it on paper, but when you truly experience it in a person, it's really amazing.

My last BF was a borderline and that ended a year ago and I have no desire to look for another relationship right now.....that one did me in with the stress and BS of dealing with him. I realized he was borderline after researching anger management. I just thought he had an anger problem.....turns out the anger was just one of the many symptoms of BPD.

I just seem to attract the wrong types, that's why I'm taking a break, and truthfully I don't even care if I ever get in another relationship at this point....

these types of people can really take their toll on the rest of us unsuspecting souls......
:angel:
From what I've read, narcissists can still tell right from wrong. Which is upsetting because you realize they've done horrible things on purpose (which seems sociopathic.) But there's a chance it could be coupled with a bipolar/borderline disorder.

Either way, you've spent way too much time considering HIM. And not enough time taking care of YOU.

This is disrupting your LIFE. Don't you want to have a good one?

I know what you're going through. Getting OUT and creating DISTANCE will eventually heal you. But in the meantime...

What hurts so much for me is discovering that narcissists don't care about anyone other than themself. I got out. And was angry when I realized how much this person bad mouthed me. Telling people I was to blame for all of their problems. LYING! Accusing me of things THEY did. I felt so betrayed. Plus the constant criticism. The undermining. The constant confrontations. The raging. The jealousy. I was beginning to doubt my own sanity.

But the thing is, along with this anger, I was sad. And realized that in spite of the horrible treatment, I missed this person. And I was mourning the end of the relationship. Sounds twisted. But I think it's natural. (Just don't use it as an excuse to forget the abuse and go back!)

So my two cents here is:

1. Congratulate yourself when you remove yourself from the situation (I know how hard that can be.)

2. Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions. I'm sure anger will be one. Disappointment. Betrayal. But also deep sadness.

I truly loved a narcissist (BPD/sociopath/compulsive liar/all of the above.) And I know the long-term good is severing all ties. But I'm also allowing myself to mourn the loss. I invested a chunk of my life with this person. I had high hopes for a long-term relationship. I truly thought we would grow old together. And I'm mad and sad that this will not happen. I miss the sex. And I miss cuddling up with this person in bed at night.

But I remind myself of the ABUSE. All the subtle and not so subtle forms. Verbal, psychological, physical. And remind myself that occasional hot sex is not worth destroying my psyche.

My best advice is to mourn. Then take care of yourself. Find out what you enjoy doing (and do it.) Be productive. Seek out healthy people to hang out with. Reconnect with family and friends (if they're supportive, and not nuts themselves.) Read all you can about these personality disorders. Be honest about your experience. Talk about it. Heal. Talk about it some more. Heal some more. Cry sometimes. Laugh sometimes. Watch a funny movie. Pray. Take a walk. Do a good deed. Make new friends. Bake yourself a treat. Walk your dog (or get a pet if you don't have one.)

Eventually, you'll put this in perspective. Your life will not be defined by it. But you can eventually use this experience to become a stronger, more empathetic person. And hopefully you'll share that empathy with someone who will reciprocate. Because these one-sided relationships are the worst!

I'd like to hear more about your situation. And what you're thinking about doing. If fear is keeping you in a bad situation, please know that you have options. And there are lots of people and public agencies out there that will help you.





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