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Ok, call me stupid, or desperate, or whatever you want. My boyfriend has BPD, and I dont want to leave him. We have split at least twice, this is our third attempt at our relationship. I've read all the boards and advice columns and they dont seem to have the answers either...Is there anyone out here that is currently in a relationship with someone with BPD that dosnt want to leave them, anyone with children would be benefitiary to me, as I have a 3 year old and he has three children of his own. I would like honest answers.
what are your concerns. You never mentioned what he does to make you wonder if you can make it or not. If he is abusive in anyway and you have a child I would leave. It is never right to put a child in an abusive relationship. If he is not abusive that is another story.
[QUOTE=greendragon2000;2754088]..Is there anyone out here that is currently in a relationship with someone with BPD that dosnt want to leave them, [/QUOTE]

not anymore.....I realized I don't deserve the abuse I was receiving.
[QUOTE=marshmallow;2755321]what are your concerns. You never mentioned what he does to make you wonder if you can make it or not. If he is abusive in anyway and you have a child I would leave. It is never right to put a child in an abusive relationship. If he is not abusive that is another story.[/QUOTE]

The abuse isnt really abuse, at least to me...But he is constantly stating concerns about the fact he is "splitting" me into two things...The good things that I am, and what he remembers of his ex-wife. I've reassured him that if anything were to happen and he ended up going to the hospital again, that I would be in the waiting room begging and demanding to see him, even though he dosnt want to see me...And he also has concerns about his displays of affection, (or slight lack thereof)...Again, the main concern in this relationship is my ability to help him be healthy.
I just want to know how to show him his affections, but in his own time.

He is so afraid of not being able to perform in emotional aspects of a relationship that he would rather push me away than to try to learn them. The only thing Ive been able to do to reasure him is to be there when he needs me. The fact that I seem to always know when something is bothering him kinda scares him, because I have been able to make that link, but he does not know the begining on how...

We did talk for about 9 hrs last night about our relationship, and he addressed questions on how I was able to tell when something is wrong...He even thanked me for having this ability and that it stopped him from hurting himself on more than one occasion.

The question on wether we can make it or not comes down to how am I going to be able to constantly reasure him without scaring him away, or without making him feel guilty about not knowing how to share the same feelings the same way.

I know that he cares very much about myself and my son, and that he wants to make a relationship with me work, (or we wouldnt be trying for the 3rd time)...But at the same time I know he is terrified of what COULD happen.

He is afraid of us getting married and repeating the events that happened in his previous marrage. How do you reasure someone that you are not the person he was married to before, (she was highly critical, and was not kind to him because he did not give her things she wanted the way she wanted them)

I really just want to know the way to show him and tell him I love him without him "splitting" or without him "running", and to show him I wouldnt run when he needs someone the most. If anyone is in a relationship with someone that is BPD, and it has been tough but sucsessful, please, by all means give me some advise as to what you have done to make the relationship work...
I've met her, and have gotten to know her. She is very critical of even me and the children. So that is why I am apt to belive his issues with critisizim. He admits he screwed up in his relationship with her, (which is apparently step with someone with BPD). He seems to want to try to better himself, and has made steps to do so, (such as going to group sessions about his addictive behaviors, as well as STEPS classes to learn how to manage a lifestyle with BPD.)...
greendragon, from all that you say it seems that you are very concerned about how he feels or how he will react and not your own welfare. I have been there so I know the signs. What ever you do please do not lose who you are to please him. BPD is not an easy thing to live with even when they are trying. It can be draining and suck the life out of you even if he loves you. It is typical to have off and on relationships with BPD do you really want to live that way? You said you wanted honesty. What you think is not abuse very well may be abuse. If you had a grown daughter in your same type relationship what advise would you give to her? Would you want her out of the relationship?
I wanted honesty, yes, but I also want to know if anyone managed to have a sucessful relationship with someone with BPD. If they have, how did they manage it and still keep their identity along with it.
Greendragon, I am not an expert but to my knowledge I do not know of anyone in a successful relationship with someone with BPD. I am sure there are some.
[QUOTE=marshmallow;2761367]Greendragon, I am not an expert but to my knowledge I do not know of anyone in a successful relationship with someone with BPD. I am sure there are some.[/QUOTE]


I can only imagine that if there are any, my guess is that they are co-dependent and willing to put up with any kind of abuse just to be in a relationship......not healthy.
There is no need in this relationship, it is simply put as this....One of the hardest things to explain is love and when it hits you it hits hard...My boyfriend/fiance' is a good person, troubled but good...And he is good with both his children and with my child....Even his Ex-Wife has noted change in his actions and his personality...New meds? Maybe, therapy finally taking hold....possible...finally realizing he has to grow up and be a grownup? Very much possible...but is he well, I know he isnt, but it dosnt mean that I am going to abandon him simply because he isnt able to express himself the way another person does....Not everyone is perfect Ive learned to live with that reality so why hurt him because he isnt perfect?
When you have to struggle SO hard to keep a relationship going, and find that you are having to write strangers for advice and have to SEARCH to even find someone who has done what you are trying to do, I think that is a BIG RED FLAG flapping in the breeze. Love simply shouldn't be that painful and if it is, there is some other issues going on as a person with a healthy sense of self wouldn't subject herself, much less her CHILD to such an environment.
I believe I am in a relationship with a bpd, i am just learning about it and she fits the decription like a glove. I didn't really start noticing anything serious until we moved in together, we have lived together for a month now. I can't write much about it now she just got home, but I will post more when I can.





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