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Hi Mochi: first of all thank you for your excellent advice in my thread; now, down to business;

If, as the other posters say, he moves to be with you, that is a huge statement of commitment, not far behind getting engaged as far as I'm concerned. It does involve him changing almost every aspect of his life and certainly every aspect of his surrounds and I know for a fact it's not something I'd do unless I was seriously in love, so I think you can take a lot of comfort and reassurance from that.

The thing to remember here though, is that it is all just geography if you play this the wrong way in your head, because his act of sleeping with her solidified your insecurities, regardless whether you were together or not. Any woman in your position would be forgiven for feeling that the only thing stopping them sleeping together while you were together was the fact that you were in the way. Women have a very strong sense of intuition when it comes to other women’s intentions, and the fact that she was ready to jump back into bed with him as soon as you were out of the picture confirms all the suspicions you had at that time. Having those qualms substantiated has got to me damaging to you mentally and emotionally, in one regard or other.

Personally, in your situation, I'd be insulted. You're probably insulted, however rational or irrational those feelings may be, if they're there, they're there, and they need to be dealt with. I think rather than sweeping them under the carpet you really need to address them in your mind, because if you dont, they're not going anywhere and they'll continue to exert a negative influence in your relationship, regardless whether you move a few hundred miles or relocate all the way to the moon. I'm speaking from experience here and I'll tell you how and why:

When my partner and I were together about six months (we're over four years together now) he bumped into his ex-fiancée. They'd been engaged ten years before and he had called off the engagement because, in his own words, he "didnt feel attracted enough to her to imagine that she'd be the only woman he'd ever sleep with". It dosent take Einstein to work out why I felt to a large degree comfortable with them meeting up in company and having a few drinks or whatever. It was many years before, he'd broken it off, not her, and he'd done so because he thought she was a lovely person, but looked like the back of a bus, so Mochi, I'm sure you'll understand that that was the perfect coqtail of ingredients to make any woman feel comfortable about an ex!

Anyways, they met (in company) several times and I was fine with that. Until, of course, the night they met on their own and had sex... I dont think there's any need to add I wasnt fine with that... He kept this to himself for a year or so and then confessed all. It nearly split us up, I woudlnt speak to him for weeks. I was devastated, indescribably hurt. According to him she'd been behaving much like the ex that you describe, hanging around all the time, calling him, just generally seeking his attention, and then one night when he'd had a few too many drinks, bingo, she got what she'd been after.

A friend of his later told me she'd never gotten over the split. That she'd always loved him, was crazy about him, and said she always would be, blah blah blah... Anyway, I realise my situation is different from yours in that my bf actually cheated on me, so I would imagine the reasons for my emotional response of hurt and betrayed would be considered more logical than yours, but emotions are not logical Mochi. I mean, we have two whole separate parts of our brains that deal with those two thought processes, that’s how different and separate they are, and if you feel hurt and betrayed you feel it anyway, logic or no, and it needs to be addressed. From my experience, here's why; because the hurt and pain of what he did has never gone away. Whatever I needed to do to address the way I was feeling, I didnt do it, and because of that the hurt and betrayal I felt at that time has resurfaced from time to time and caused huge upset in the relationship sporadically ever since. I only have to know that a female is sniffing round and I go crazy off-the-head with anger and paranoia, even if he has no intention of hurting me again (as I'm sure is evidenced by my most recent thread!) I get irrationally angry with him sometimes (though I dont think I'm being irrational in our current circumstance) and oftentimes we'll argue about one thing on the surface, but a different thing underneath, and the underlying reason dosent change, it's all about unaddressed resentment re his cheating. So what I'm saying to you, in essence, is that you must address this, otherwise it could well continue to haunt your relationship, and continue to damage it, to one degree or other. I wouldnt down-play this if I were you; regardless what anyone says, if it wasnt bothering you, you woudlnt have posted about it.

I am actually seeing a therapist now, for several personal reasons, but that is one of them, it is something I've discussed. I just wish I'd gotten off my backside and discussed this with someone two or three years ago; I reckon releasing the tension that way would have diffused it and prevented it spilling into my relationship and manifesting itself in some unnecessary rows and needless hurtful scenes.

I'm not necessarily advising that you see a therapist, maybe you can quell your feelings in other ways, talking to him, doing some reading on letting go of resentful feelings/insecurities etc; every woman will have her own way of dealing with this. What I'm advising is that you find your way and that you do it.

Best of luck, and remember, if you love this man and you want this to work, dont let his having slept with her poison what you've got together. Apparently my bf’s ex had been hoping and praying their night together would split us up. It sounds like your bf’s ex may be a likeminded person; possibly she’d love to know she was still exerting an influence over your relationship – so don’t give it to her!





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