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Hi everyone,
So, where do I start?
I guess there is allot to tell, but I'll try to make this as brief as possible, and any advice/input will be greatly appreciated!

So here it goes..

About two and a half years ago, I started dating, lets say,"Jo" man who would be my third serious boyfriend. I, as it turns out was also his third serious girlfriend, and we had both been single for about 8 months before we met.

My relationship before him had ended quite badly, for several reasons, and as we had been friends for years before dating, I suffered allot from "loosing" him. To top it off, he started dating a friend of mine soon after.

Anyways, "Jo's" circumstance is quite different, as he is close friends with both of his exes.

In part, I admire this, and in part, it makes me uncomfortable.

Throughout our realtionship, I tried my best to be supportive of his friendships with his two exes, who both lived in the same town as we did, and we saw both of them fairly often.

One of them I quite liked, the more recent ex, and the other I somewhat despised. Ok, that is an exaggeration, but needless to say, i did not trust her, she seemed false and grated my nerves whenever she was around or mentioned.

"Jo's" relationship with her had been over for several years, and though they reamined fairly good friends after a nasty breakup, she didn;t seem to spend much time with him until we started dating, according to his friends, once I was in the picture, she took a sudden interest in being around allot more.
Needless to say, this was annoying, and confusing, and to a degree felt threatenting. I talked to "Jo" about it often, and he agreed that she could be annoying, but he thought it was harmless, and that I was misinterpreting her behavior. He seems to believe that she is genuine, and really is just kind of clueless, not calculating and manipulative as I see her.
That said, I was never afraid of her wanting to "steal" him from me, but rather, I felt disrespected and uncomforatable with the idea that she seemed to crave to be the spotlight of his attention. Altough he didn't grant this to her, she seemed to purse it. It was like she didn;t want him back, but she didn;t want anyone else to get his attention, or to top her in his heart, if that makes sense.

Anyways, despite her driving me batty part of the time, our realtionship was quite wonderful, loving, and fun. We stayed together for only a little moe than a year, as I moved away for my carrer. We split up, but remained friends.
Recently, he announced to me that he wants to get back together and misses me terribly, so we spent some tome together on a visit to feel it out and discuss the possibilty. Out of concern, and curiousity, I asked if he;d slept with anyone else since we split over 6 months ago, I had mostly been expecting him to say "no" since he is not the type to have casual sex, adn I knew he hadnt dated anyone since.
But, to my dismay, he said yes, that he had been with the girl that I can't stand, in a casual encounter. So, it wasn;t a complete shock, since I know that they are still friends, and as far as he knew, we would never see each other again, since I'd moved, and he claims he was just lonely and miserable, and so it happend.
Now, I don;t doubt this, and I can understand how and why this would happen, they are familair to each other, they have already been together, he was sad and alone, and they are friends.
But, on the same token, it confirms many fears an d concerns that I had when "Jo" and I were together. My fears that he wasn;t really quite over her, that he perhaps romanticised her, and that she played into this game in a sneaky way.
So, now I'm at a place where I cannot decide what tp do.
I love this man, and I believe he loves me, but I am afraid that my knowledge of their recent sexual encounter will eat away at my confidence in his love for me, and my confidence in him..
yIt should also be noted that in my two realtionships that were previous to mine with "Jo", my boyfriends had cheated on me with women that I knew and trusted.
So, it is not unreasonable to think that I might simply be relieving old insecurites in this whole circumstance with "Jo."
I mean, in reality, he did nothing wrong. He did not cheat, he didn't lie, hell, we weren't even talking at the time... and I am the one who moved away, and he is the one who wants to make it work anyways.
I mean, he seems to really love me. But i am so afraid that he might still have feelings for this girl somewhere inside him, and I am sickend at the thought of them having slept together since we broke up.
So, what i'm asking is, am I crazy, do these things just happen, or is he stuck in the past?
Should I pursue this or move on from him?
I do love him so much, but I know I have a hard time letting go of this kind of stuff.
So, I don.;t want to shoot myslf in the foot, and give up on something that is good, because I'm being petty, or paranoid or unforgivng, but I also don;t want to invest in something that could be complicated by a third party.
advise, please!!!

:yawn:
thanks for listenting!!!
Thanks guys!
It's so helpful to get some objective advice!

So, to answer your questions, we are both in our late 20's and no, I did not sleep with anyone else while we were apart, but I did date for a bit. Also, I am not friends with either of my other exes.

So, while I agree with you all that it doesn't necissarily matter, there is still a nagging feeling in me that says it might.

And, yes, she will be less in the picture once he moves, but they are pretty close friends, and talk on the phone at lengths every so often, which drove me nuts before, and might well make me more nuts now.

Also, the thing is, I am not jealous or concerned by his friendship with his other ex, I like her and trust her, and they talk just as often as he does with the one that I dislike. But the one he slept with, had, throughout our relationship, exhibited behavior towards him, and myself that seemed, to me at least, to be manipulative, highly flirtatious, and well, frankly rude and innapropriate. What I mean by this is inviting herself to join us for dinner, showing up at our house unannonced, reading him romantic poetry, you fet the pic.

She seems to not recognize boundaries, and when I mentioned to 'jo" that I thought she was being manipulative of his feelings, he excused her as being oblivious, goofy and harmless.
Well, their recent encounter makes me further question the so-called innocence of her previous behavior as well as the depth to which he cares for her, and might potentially, defend her over me.
Though I honestly believe that nothing would ever arise between them again, I fear her nuscience and my irratation with her will cause a rift in our realtionship. even if it is only a phone call every so often. I feel as though she thinks she's "pulling the wool" over me, or at least likes thinking she has the upper hand, like I said, she likes feeling like she can manipulate him, she always calls him to cry to him about her new boyfriends, and needs him to practcialy hold her hand when she is depressed, which seems near constant.
Altough he agrees she is a pain in the butt, he still pts up with her because he cares, and seems to be amused by it almost. What I think is obnoxious, he thinks is funny.
Anyways, sorry to go on and on, I just wanted to elucidate on the situation, and explain that I do not tend to be jealous or offended by other women in my man's life, unless, well, I have fairly obvious reason.
That said,
it is unfortunate, but I do not feel comfortable, let alone justified in asking/expecting him to cease contact with her. He is a grown man, and it's his decision to make who his friends are, not mine.

What is also unfortunate is that I question why he continues to make the choice to keep such an obnoxious, in my opinion, person in his life. The only justifaction I can find is that he has a serious history with her, and of course cares for her because of that, and also, I think he gets a bit of a kick out of her silly flirtation with him, even if he wants nothing to come of it. Does that make sense?
But sadly, some small part of me fears that he may still harbor feeling for her which manifest as an ambiguous friendship rather than a relationship, since they have tried that and know well that it doesn't work between them because they fought non-stop. And she hurt him badly during their relationship.
Ok, I guess I've said enough for now.
I guess I am still stuck on the idea that it means he wants her somehow still, and that makes me cringe, and I don't want o invest in a man who is possiby still hung up on his ex years later!





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