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[QUOTE=strongernow;2781614 I gave them detailed instructions on how to behave when they are around me, eg: make eye contact, ask questions, smile,show curiousity, have patience, don't use sarcasm, etc. LOL, who does this type of stuff that I do? Well, since they have no clue to do respectful behavior on their own....and these people are not idiots by any means, I realize that I have to teach them. So now I made it ultra clear what I expect out of them. I gave them further information about what they should not do around me either. I sent them online info on better communication skills and tips for better psychological well being as well.


it's not your job to teach them, and in fact I think you've shown some very grandious (and arrogant) behavior by doing that. Sometimes when I read your posts, I see narrrrcississm screaming out at me. Have you considered that, with all your knowledge on personality disorders? You've made it clear what you EXPECT out of them? why not just avoid them......
Dude.....sometimes I feel sorry for you, and sometimes your posts read just like someone with NPD or's all or nothing, you either love something or hate it......that's called splitting( although I'm sure you know that).
take a step back and look at your own personality (disorder).
I'm telling you for your own good.]
Again I disagree. Who says I cannot give people detailed instructions? It is OK for them to be rude and sarcastic and have us to do petty chores around there house and be ignored, after I drove over 12 hours to get here??

Some of the best advice I've ever heard is YOU teach people how to treat you. This is very important and I believe in it.

Honestly, I do not know for sure IF people idolize or idealize them, but it is my guess. The rest of the family WAS NOT there for the get together. So the rest of the family may NOT see them in such positive is really unknown what other people think at this point.

I did not say anything about changing feelings or attitudes. There is way I need to be treated and that is what I informed them about. I described what sort of behaviors I appreciate and suggest using when they are around me. Body language says a lot and I think it was obviously offensive on their part to refuse to make eye contact, to refuse to engage in conversation, all the focus of attention was on them, zero was on us, they used a cutting and sarcastic tone of voice when ever we said anything. I don't understand why you are theatened by my assertiveness. I think maybe you need to mature a little and not "Care about making other people angry" because they will be angry anyways, and realize how important it is to set boundaries in social situations.

You must realize that you do not know my family. You were not there. You also do not know me or what me and mom experienced.

Like I said, if they angry or furious, so what? It is their anger that they have to deal with, they are more than welcomed to talk about it with me, and if they have a problem with splitting then that is their problem.

Is it so horrible for me to say "I'd like to get to know you better"....that does not sound insulting or degrading, that was a huge part of the message. And like I said before it was said not to control or stir drama but to place boundaries and let them know what I view as disrespectful and what I view as respectful.

You should try it some time. It is fun!

[QUOTE=Nina000;2782109]I have to agree with Rose here, you can't give people "detailed instructions" on how to behave around you. You can't change people's feelings and attitudes to start with. Also, this will only cause them to feel more discomfortable next time YOU ARE around won't make them more appreciative of you if they find you critical for nothing obviously offensive on their part. You say that they are quite admired by the rest of your family, so what is the problem?
Haven't you let it go yet? Be tolerant and show the example of good communication skills. After all, they invited you and your mum and tried to include you in an a nice event.
I would be surprised if they replied to you.[/QUOTE]
huh? These message boards are really a place to vent what I cannot vent in real life. It includes talk and description of anxiety and stress etc. This is more of my thoughts and opinions.

NO my topics were NOT negative. Like I said I could not get in a word when I visited them, so again you are wrong. Yes being assertive does raise self esteem and if they get angry too bad. Like I said my attention was focused on them and validating them, so don't twist the truth around. You sound angry and you don't even know half the truth, except that I seem to be critical which is sometimes true. You do not realize how often I smile, and say pleasent things in real life. It does occur to me to say positive things to other people.

If there are better ways to improve self esteem, then what are they?

I never said dwelling on the negatives was a cure. You must have projected that onto me because I never even thought that. Being assertive is ok. Looking at what DOES NOT work in life and realizing that I shouldn't do that any more is important. I have never asserted myself with that side of my family and I have always wanted to. I know that remaining silent and ignoring them for years on end has not made them understand. If you have any other ideas, then please feel free to say so.

[QUOTE=WhiteLily;2782531]To me too, you sound like you have a serious problem with your self-esteem. Don't get me wrong, am not justifying anyone's insults towrds you. But your exaggerated assertiveness sounds like a failing attempt to raise your self-esteem. Honestly, there are better ways to do so. Do yourself a favour and seek professional counselling. If your topics were as negative and pessimistic when you were around them, then I can understand their loss of interest!!! Sorry if I come as harsh, but I don't see how dwelling on the negatives in all people around you (do a search for your posts here) as a way to cure yourself, get a life![/QUOTE]

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