It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Need a little advice here, please:

One year relationship I'm in has me rather confused -- boyfriend has spent more and more weekend time with me over the months and seemed far more interested in me throughout than I was in him until things evened out a bit more recently. I've always been on the fence, so to speak, and questioned myself about being with him.

He's very nice and we're not young anymore (40's) and neither one has kids so no issues there. We are just very different and he has not had a lot of relationships in his life and is not close to his family, either.

OK, so a male friend of boyfriend's has a wife who has an art show coming up in two days and it runs on several weekends. The opening itself is in two days but I've been down with bronchitis and couldn't work all week. I told BF two nights ago when he called that no way could I go to this art opening this weekend and he said [U]no, he understood that[/U].

Today when he called to discuss Sat. and whether he could come by to see me or not, I mentioned the art show again and said he'd better call his pal to say we would not be at the show on Sunday.

It was then that he said something like "Well, I may just go ANOTHER day MYSELF, later this month." I asked "[I]What[/I]?" "You don't want me to go?" (I had really thought he wanted me to attend this show as I know the woman's husband, too). BF then hesitated and glossed over my question, saying again that he "could go himself on another day." That's no answer, but I did not pursue it as we were on the phone and he is not good with phone conversations.

WHAT the heck is going on here? One possibility: He is rethinking the relationship and/or found someone else. I think BF is nervous about this whole thing with me, and Valentine's Day pressures, and that he probably thinks I expect something (I don't). Clearly, he is not a warm and fuzzy Valentine/card giving kind of guy. I had to force him to send his own mother a birthday card last month, for example!

In this situation now, based on what he just said, doesn't it seem like he plans to take SOMEONE ELSE to this art show on an upcoming weekend? What other explanation can there possibly be for making it sound like he does NOT want me to attend?

BF is not a smooth talker and I don't think he's the lying type, and probably [U]would [/U]tell me he wanted to break up rather than just start cheating, but perhaps he is testing the waters with this "art show" with another woman? And he probably doesn't want to dump me while I'm sick--he's too nice for that.

If [B][I]I[/I][/B] were the one wanting to go somewhere with someone OTHER than him, though, I sure would not say I wanted to go "by myself" to an event he thought [I]he[/I] was attending. I would just drop the whole thing and make up some excuse if the subject came up again. I wouldn't point out that I was going, but withOUT him. It seems like such a dead giveaway, doesn't it?

What do you folks think about this nonsense? I [U]did[/U] question him right away about what he meant and all he did was hem and haw and stumble around and repeat the same thing again about going by himself. Is this guy ready to bail, or is he just nuts or inept, or am I reading too much into it?

Like I said, he can stay or he can go; his choice -- I was hoping NOT to have to eventually be the one to end it because he IS nice and I didn't want to be the mean one, but I definitely want to know what is going on.

Thanks in advance for any insight you can provide. I'm stumped.
Hello Kszan -- You're right, I've been really sick and now this -- some nerve, huh? Sorry to hear you are also sick with this "thing." Feel better soon!

In this scenario, it's all about him; as it usually is with many guys. HE wants to be in control of what we do and where we go, HE wants to show up really early when we are going out so that he has effectively taken up the whole afternoon just hanging around beforehand.

To counteract this since he refuses to change his arrival times, coming earlier than I say he can, I've recently made a few plans with girlfriends on Saturday or Sunday afternoons just to buy some time away from him, though he is not interested in ANY weekday contact with me other than the infrequent e-mail or call to set up a Saturday plan.

The guy is cheap, and a smoker, and a former alcoholic -- three bad things in my book. Lucky for him I don't drink; maybe I should've started ordering wine with all meals to drive him crazy.

He is very self-involved but is so quiet that people don't recognize right away that it's selfishness and not being reserved that is the problem.

Re the cheapness, lately I have ceased buying many snacks for my house because he goes through them like a vulture and it's too expensive to keep up. I pointed out recently that HE should try bringing some replacements with him, but still he has not.

He has always been this way with his mom, too, and she and I have had several conversations about it. She has far more complaints than I do! She wonders how he turned out this way when she tried to raise her son right. He will go into his mother's house, immediately forage for food, etc. It's just unseemly.

His father was cheap, too, so this guy learned the behavior from him I guess. It isn't pretty. This guy does not have many interests other than baseball and his work (he is a CPA). He doesn't care about music or movies or any other forms of entertainment. He hates chatting on the phone and "mom" says this was always true. But he has no problem flopping on my sofa to watch DVDs.

We do go out to movies and to eat sometimes and more than half the time he paid. I started paying at times early on because it only seemed fair. Now I think it was a mistake because I have provided so many more treats at home.

He has a good job and income and his own house yet it is very spartan and he has no creature comforts there for himself or anyone else, so I don't go there at all. Clearly, he does not WANT people in his house. I am sick of running the equivalent of a B&B here, though.

Gee, the more I write, the more I realize that my being on the fence has been silly for this long; even if I [U]am[/U] the dumpee, I should be thrilled to get my freedom back so I can do the things I used to enjoy doing without this guy hanging around. Maybe I can meet someone else! My family met him and though he looked good and seems good on paper, he can't communicate well and they were not impressed though they said nothing; I could tell by the looks on their faces as they tried to engage him in conversation that they knew he was totally wrong for me.

So thanks again; yes, he is an idiot; yes, his behavior has been crappy and no, it won't be a bad thing at all if it ends right now.



[QUOTE=Kszan;2791***]Bronchitis must be going around, I've been sick with it since Sunday! I hope we both feel better soon! I also have a sinus infection.

Anyway, I think he's kind of an idiot. You've been sick and he should be more understanding. I'm not sure whether he's about to break up with you, but the fact that he's causing problems right now while you're sick, I think that's just crappy.

It wouldn't be a bad thing if this didn't work out. He really doesn't sound like he's all that great.[/QUOTE]





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:42 PM.





2019 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!