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Relationship Health Message Board


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Well I am getting myself into somewhat of a dilemma and as much as Im not sure any advice on here is going to be any different from what I already know, I thought I'd give it a try...

This past year and a few months Ive been single after an almost life-altering break-up. Ive been through a bunch of ups and downs with dating...mostly downs. I have a lot going for me, but I just seemed to find guys in the wrong places, and/or the guys just werent for me, and/or I was too nice and got let down.

So. Fast-forward to today. I have been dating this guy from my work for about a month and a half now (lets call him A). I had a major crush on him since about Oct. He is a lot older than me and wants to settle down instead of dating, and I am at the point where I can go either way- if I find the right person, I would have no problem settling down. If not, then OK. We have a really good time together, we see each other like 4 times a week after work, he is levelheaded, mature, and seems to have very serious intentions, which i like. However, I am not sure if I see him being the one for me the rest of my life. But emphasis on the NOT SURE. We have a lot of differences- culturally and communication-wise. But in the global scheme of things, I find him trustworthy and he has values that I want in someone in a relationship- he values marriage, children, family, travel, and a moderate life-style in which he can enjoy life...which is what I want (I dont want to marry a work-aholic that is never home). Things seem very serious with him...his intentions, what he wants, etc...and when I get with him, I get serious too. But there are other things with him Im not sure about.

Now. A month and a half ago I met this guy at a party (lets call him B). He seemed nice, fun for the night at least while I was at the party, and we exchanged #s and talked a few times. About 2 weeks later, he asked me for coffee, and I went just for kicks (why not). Well, we went on our 3rd date the other night. This guy is really nice, is doing everything right, couldn't be more compatible with me...but I just dont necessarily feel that spark. He kissed me the other night and I seriously felt nothing. But he puts in effort, initiative, is compatible with my values, seems interested in what I say/bring to the table, etc. And like I said, we are very compatible. We even discovered the other night that we have mutual friends and didnt know it.

However. Guy A and I got in a fight the other night over some major miscommunication and b/c I was an emotional wreck for hormonal reasons. I have never had an argument that early on with someone Im dating. Right before this argument, he had asked me to go to Spain with him (and a few other countries) for the summer. Spain is where I am thinking of moving someday, so of course I immediately wanted to go. It would be incredible. However, the logical side of me thought 'wow...this is really early...I should be cautious'. THen we got in the argument. Everythign has been worked out over that... yet the Spain question has come up again. He wants to buy his ticket soon, and I said I wanted to wait...and now it seems he is hesitant about me wanting to come...I guess my hesitancy made HIM hesitant. He says he thought I felt differently (I guess meaning he thought I had no doubts?). But in my heart, I do want to go. I picture myself with him this summer...I dont know why. Its just a gut feeling I have. Him, me, in Spain...and when I think of my life til then, I want him in it. But I know that he isnt exactly compatible with me in a lot of ways. I wonder if Id be making a mistake, but then I think how much I want to go with him.

Now I have another guy (lets call him C) who has been calling me every day. He is a friend of my friend. He is pursuing me pretty hard and he knows Im dating other people. Yet he wants to 'get together'. Im definitely attracted to him, and we just spent close to 90 min. on the phone talking about NOTHING! We chat for hours. Im just not quite sure what he wants though- he is a friend of my best friend, and she says he is a flirt.

I have the option to go elsewhere with a group of girlfriends for the summer...something I had planned to do until this Spain thing came up. Part of me wonders if Id be making a mistake not to go with them...but I really want to go with Guy A...I mean, my favorite country in the world with a guy I like... But, summer plans aside, I am afraid I am getting in over my head. Here I have been for a year+ with no stable guy to speak of, and now all of a sudden 3 are interested...2 of which seem to be hoping for commitment. I am looking for commitment too, but I am so overwhelmed with choices and am afraid I will make the wrong one. If I go with my emotions, I want to go with Guy A. He has been the one Ive known the most, Ive been dating him the most, we see each other at work, I think about him a lot, etc. But when I think about whether he is the best choice for me in the long-term, I have no idea! THen again, I dont know about the other options either...but I do know I have no spark with Guy B, but that he is great on paper and in person. Should I even try to see Guy C, or just avoid his requests to get together? I definitely dont want to hurt anyone, or get in a mess of a situation...and I think it is headed that way. Yet, part of me is still interested because it is so early in the game for me and any of these guys. I am mostly worried in hurting or messing things up with Guy A, seeing as he thinks this really should go somewhere. But we havent talked about the 'boyfriend-girlfriend' title, so Im not quite sure where we stand. I get the impression hes not dating other ppl, b/c he has said so and says he 'wouldnt do that' (which makes me feel horrible).

So I dont know how I got into this mess. I guess part of me is so afraid of getting hurt again that I almost want to have back-ups...but another part of me is seeing Guy A trying to get serious, and I like it, but im also scared b/c its so fast. Its difficult, b/c I want to go to Spain and be with him until then...but I dont know if I see myself marrying this guy. Can anyone tell after 6 weeks? So I guess the other guys showing interest makes me wonder if they would be better for me...but I am not ready to end things with Guy A to find out. I know I cant have my cake and eat it too, and I am not the type of girl to hurt people or even date more than one guy at a time (this is all very new for me). I am very traditionally romantic and committed with relationships, so I am nervous that I am getting myself way in over my head.





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