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Wow. That is a crazy and frustrating situation. I guess my first question is whether you are turned off by your boyfriend's questionable sexuality. Assuming he isnt gay, do you think you'd even want to date him? Do you like the fact that although he is heterosexual he appears to have some homosexual stereotypical tendencies?
Unforunately, in my opinion, this is the kind of situation where speculation isnt going to get you far. You will be going back and forth in your head and analyzing every word/mannerism/action he takes to see whether he falls under the heterosexual category or the homosexual category. Therefore, I think you need to ask. Maybe you can ask in a way that inst as blunt as "are you gay?"..but more like "have u ever had a sexual relationship with a male" my opinion, in this day in age, many people experiment and it's important to know someones sexual past b/f u become sexually involved with them (specifically if you arent using condoms)..

obviously from your posting its impossible for anyone to say whether he is gay or not..perhaps he acts "feminine" sometimes because he was brought up in an enviroment which was extremely feminine? (ie, his sister being in pagaents)..

good luck though!
Thanks Sam. My gay friend did have something different to say after he came to his apartment. He said he could see what I saw. He still insisted that it didn't mean he was gay, but it was possible.

In terms of the way he was raised, I know he has some issues with his father based on things he ex-girlfriend said. I've always wondered what that was about. He also told me that his parents reacted negatively when he told them he wanted to go to art school instead of studying business or law or something. I've met them twice, and I can totally see how doing something that wasn't part of their "plan" would make waves.

I had the same thought you did about the mannerisms coming out more when he is drinking. I too believe that the truth comes out when you are drunk. For me, I say things I wouldn't have the guts to say nomally. It's interesting that I've always been drinking when someone has made comments about him to me or when I have referenced his behaviors.

And about the sex. That was the ONE thing that I always fell back on if I became worried about it: we couldn't have such great sex if he's gay. I always told my best friend "He likes sex too much to be gay." (And I meant hetero sex, of course.) He initiated it a lot, etc. Nothing seemed awkward, but now I'm looking back and starting to second-guess. Anyway, it has drastically dropped off in the past 2 weeks, which just reinforces my anxiety.

I also believe in the hetero/homosexual spectrum. I have some bisexual tendencies myself. I have mentioned that to him, even hoping that it might open the lines of communication for him if he wanted to tell me anything. But he never has.

Thanks again for the response. Your perspective is very valuable.

Another point I would like to add, is that if he was gay, and scared to come out of the closet, don't you think with all the questioning he gets it would make it easier for him to say he was gay? Surely he would of admitted it by now?

You also said that you have bi tendacies, what was his reaction when you told him this? as I know that is a really big fantasy of straight guys. (most)


I actually don't know how much questioning he actually gets anymore. Other than the few light references I have made, which he has dismissed without mush of a response. All of the references made by his friends recently have been to me, and without him knowing exactly what was said. I don't know that any number of people questioning him would ever make it so he would just admit it.

I have mentioned the fact that I have bi tendencies a couple of times. He didn't really seem to care (which worried me). Actually, at dinner on valentines day, it came up, I used it as a segueway into talking about threesomes. I am not interested in having one with him, but I wanted to see his response. He said he would probably have one with two girls. Then I pushed the issue to see how he would feel about two guys. He said he didn't think he could, and I asked him "what's the difference?", telling him that I looked at it as pretty much the same situation. I felt like making it clear that I was okay with any type of sexual interaction might make him more comfortable indicating an interest on his part. He said that he would be "grossed out" by having another guy involved. All in all, he said he wouldn't want a threesome because he would get jealous seeing me with someone else.

One would think that him saying he would be "grossed out" by having another man involved would indicate he is not gay or bi. But I felt like he may have been saying what he thought I wanted to hear....
You are hurting yourself by sitting there and wondering. You are hurting him, too, because it sounds like your are putting up a wall.

There are a couple of problems. If my wife (before we got married) suspected me to be gay and asked me, I'd be hurt that she thought that. There is nothing wrong with being gay, don't get me wrong, but the fact is I make love to her, I tell her I love her, I wouldn't know how to make it any clearer. THAT'S why it would hurt me. If your guy is making love to you and telling you he loves you and wants a future with you, it might hurt him if you just come out and ask him.

Another thing is that when you told him his college friends think he's gay or whatever and he had no reaction. So? He's probably heard it enough times from them in his college years and after that he's probably so used to it that it doesn't warrant a reaction.

This guy I know has NO outward homosexual tendencies. He was married for a long time. He has a nice home, but not deocrated with frills and candles. He has two big dogs, drives a truck, etc. He's gay. You can't just assume someone's gay by looking around their home. He's artistic--maybe he just enjoys those kinds of things.

You need to talk to him...but I wouldn't bring his friends, your friends, or anyone else into the conversation. Then he'll wonder why you asked everyone else under the sun instead of coming to him right away with your concerns.

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