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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Since he's talking about buying a home with you and you're hopeful about a marriage/family with him...this MUST be talked about between the two of you. You don't want to become some tragic prop wife for the benefit of his Cathloic homophobic parents.

A few things that crossed my mind: If I were him, and [I]weren't[/I] gay, I would be VERY offended to find out about all this "talking" going on behind my back. I would venture to say, I might even be [I]so [/I]hurt by that (not the gay part)---that I would consider leaving you. I would feel that if you had these questions, you should be asking ME, not my ex gf, and not having gay spies come into the house to assess my interior decorating. These are complete strangers and have no right to put a label on me based on my dog breed preference or window treatments. I understand completely why you did this, but looking at it from his point of view....if I were NOT gay, I would be pissed. However, it seems he realizes you are having these conversations. To what extent, I don't know, but the fact that he is [I]not [/I]reacting negatively, is suspect. Silence is often the answer we don't want to hear.

On the flip side, everyone has different talents and gifts that make them who they are. It's not always fair to categorize people. I have unartisic [I]manly[/I] gay friends and artistic [I]feminine [/I]gay friends. You said your bf was artistic and there are artistic hetero men too. I know they're confusing, because they're not the norm. One thing I've noticed is that there's just something about an [I]artist's[/I] genetic makeup--that make them appear more sensitive than others. Society tends to equate "sensitive" with female. Obviously, all artists are not female and all artists are not gay.

I can offer you two (personal) examples that contradict the gay norm. In one case I FELT the man wasn't being honest with me. In one case, I later found out, that the man had not been honest with me. Both men were "men's men", had dated women, and had "dude's" apartments. When it finally came to sleeping with them, both men gave me similar vibes....even though I had met them 10 years apart and didn't realize it at the time.

One man was my BEST friend's brother. The chemistry was there, he'd had a live in (ex) gf for a few years, and had been heartbroken when she'd cheated on him. He asked me to move in with him before we'd even slept together, but I hesitated. There was just this weird feeling when we got REALLY close. I couldn't put my finger on it. I had been sitting on his lap, we'd been kissing---and it felt like he should say or do [I]something more [/I]than he was, but he wasn't. Again, I can't describe what that "something more" was. It was just there, and even though my experience with hetero men was that NOTHING could keep them off you, throwing me down wasn't the "it" that was missing. It was something in the eyes. Even though we continued to date after that night, we never slept together and I never moved in or pursued a relationship with him. My friend ripped me a new one for "stringing him along." A year later, she called me in a panic to say that he'd come out and did I know? I'd said no, but for some reason, wasn't surprised. [I]Something just hadn't seemed right[/I]. So my point is...if something doesn't seem right, it probably isn't. Hopefully, he will give you [I]the truth [/I]when you ask. He has now been in a relationship with a man for the past 10 years.

I later dated an [I]artistic[/I] hetero man (musician/songwriter).....whom I wondered about as well. He seemingly loved attention from women, was actually better dressed than my friend's brother, and loved sports....but he seemed a little weird in the bedroom....like he didn't know what to do with a woman. He's also made some off comments--one being that he felt he would have been a successful gay man--whatever that meant. Another time, I saw an interaction between him and another man we knew--the guy was patting him on the back and squeezing his shoulder....that made the hairs on my arm stand up. It just looked [I]intimate.[/I] Not one of those good ol' boy slaps. He got this soft, wistful look on his face. Yet when I once joked about him and his attached-to-the-hip friend, (we'll call him Mike) he got really mad, indicated his erection, and said, "does this look gay to you?" I'm sure it wasn't the best idea to bring it up in bed, but it had been on my mind--like you---Long story short, he had a very guarded personality, never married, and never lived with anyone. I even got feelings that maybe he'd been molested by a priest at one time. He and my friend's brother had many similarities that I can't articulate. Neither men grew up with a father in their household.

Sorry so long winded. Bottom line, take away the curtains, dogs, and nice clothes. Both the gay/bi men I described had none of those things. Instead, if you feel that something is not quite right when you are naked with him, or if you feel his lack of denial is unsettling.....you have something to be worried about. I hope all works out for the best~





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