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Relationship Health Message Board


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first off im gonna answer your question about you calling him. if yous broke up then no dont talk to him even if he calls dont pick up the phone. i know easier said then done ive been where your at right now and 5 years later im so glad im not with this guy anymore. we were togther for 2 years i met him when i was 17 and ended it when i was 19. this guy was a jerk he cheated on me he used drugs crack and herion and was very controlling with me it was ok for him to sleep with other girls if i just said hi to a guy he flipped on me i was every name in the book. my last straw was when i became pregnant with his baby at first i thought hell change well have this baby and hell become this diffrent guy i was sooo wrong he still cheated on me when i was pregnant i found out confronted him and he had the nerve to tell me he wanted both of us i dont think so i was 3 months pregnant than. about a week later i lost the baby so it made everything so much worse. the doctor told me it was due to stress that was the only explanition they had for me. and ill tell you for awhile its gonna be hard like my mom said i looked like a walking zombie thats how depressed i was but after a month of doing that i realized i was wasting my life i lost all this weight from not eating i just looked a mess. so i decided to go on a dating service a phone one at first i thought it was way to soon because to me all these guys on there sounding the same to me. i was just about to hang up and this guy sent me a message he sounded really nice we talked on the phone for 4 hours than decided to meet. now i can honestly say im very happy 5 years later me and this guy still togther we have our 3 year old son togther he just turned 3 february 13. and were engaged were planning on getting married augest 13 2008. this guy is everything to me and i can actually laugh with him all the time. i still think about my child i lost but when i do i look at my son now and realise it all happend for a reason. i know this is so long but i figure i would tell you my storey so you know your not the only one to go through this. but what ever you do dont answer his phone calls if hes anything like all thses guys out there hes gonna sweet talk you so yous dont break up and than a month later be that same guy again. you should be with a good guy not with a jerk.
Hi,

Have you heard of a psychological theory called learned helplessness? its a major theory to explain why people (usualy women) stay in abusive relationships, centered around the fact that a belief that success won't come (you may not even be aware of it unless you sit down and really analyze your situaion objectively), which therefore produces a pattern of low motivation and reduced effort...

learned helplessness actually reformats some of your brains neural pathways and that helps to keep an abused/controlled person in their current situation.

i cannot personally relate to what you are going through, but i thought if you can do a search on this theory it may help you realize you are not alone and what controlling behaviour of one person can produce in another. maybe some logical knowledge will help you to temper your emotions (ie like going back to him when you leave him).

take care
I've been following the progression of this story and I had to chime in with my experience.

I was in an 8 year relationship that went exactly nowhere. We were never even engaged. He too was controlling and verbally abusive, and although he never actually hit me, some of the other stuff he did was really much worse than that.

I tried to break up with him a lot over those 8 years. I was 22 when we started dating. I look back on it now and wish that I would have had the strength to end it sooner. This is 8 years of my life that I will never get back. 8 years of my 20s just gone! I still regret it to this day, but I try not to dwell on it because it just angers me so much.

Like you, I was terrified of being alone. It was this fear that kept me with him, not because of any kind of love, because by the time I finally ended it, I was so completely out of love with him that I don't even know what I saw in him in the first place!

It was hard at first. I was so scared! After being in a relationship for that long, it was hard to know who I was, what to do with myself, where to go, etc. etc. But...time passed and I spent time working on me and doing things that pleased me and I realized that even in my lonliest times, I was still happier than I ever was while I was with him. Because I can guarantee to you that being alone and knowing that your life belongs to you and only you beats being chained to some loser guy who makes your life miserable.

You can learn a lot from yourself from being alone. I learned so much about myself and I finally had the time to experience things that I could never experience when I was with that idiot.

You need to end this right now. Please don't waste another minute in this relationship that is going absolutely nowhere. It sucks to waste 8 years of your life with a complete loser, but the great news is that you don't have to waste another minute!! Not another second! Be done with it now. It's over. There is nothing left for you in this relationship.
I know exactly how you feel, I was only in the relationship for 2 years but my boyfriend split up with me on Sunday. I felt the same, didn't talk to my friends anymore, worked the same place as he worked so I could be with him and didn't feel happy unless I WAS with him even though he could be very mentally abusive at times and to be honest, ignored me when I was with him most of the time anyway ... but I still put myself through it because it was better than being alone.

I know its only been a few days and at first I was in hysterics especially because he was the only person left I could talk to and he wouldn't answer my calls! The worst thing was he didn't even seem to care much.

However I went to see one of my oldest friends from school last night, I didn't think she'd be able to help as she's never been in a long term relationship but she told me something that changed my mind. Her dad always seemed like a nice person to me but she's told me in the past her mum and dad split up (but got back together and had another baby), he threw her out once when she was living at home and he had a bad temper. She said the controlling and mental abuse her dad gives her mum wears her down, she's not happy in her marriage but she feels stuck in it but because she has the baby and he earns all the money theres nothing she can do, she just puts up with the abuse. I was actually shaking when she said it because I realised I wasn't unhappy anymore, I was finally free of all that mental abuse. We split up on Sunday and by Tuesday night I could smile again just because I never had to be ignored or shouted at or called names again because I was free.

I know its hard to let go, I can imagine it would be hundreds of times worse for you as you've been together 8 years and you'll feel lonely and like you just need him back but as soon as you realise you don't want to spend the rest of your life being controlled and shouted at then you'll feel much stronger. The future will feel bleak now but one day you'll meet someone who'll treat you like you deserve and you'll think "thank God I didn't stay in that old relationship!".

I found out last night that my ex had told a couple of his friends he was feeling very sad and lonely and that made me smile because I'm glad his missing me. I'm not missing him anymore.
[B]Catherine, you have gotten wonderful advice from people and as you said in your post, you realize you are NOT happy with this guy. I realize you have been with him for 8 years, but that is nothing honey compared to the rest of your life. Just imagine a future with a husband like this. In fact, once you marry him, IT WOULD EVEN GET WORSE!!!!!!! Do you want your future children growing up watching their father treat their mother like this, or a father that would be abusive to their children? Remember children grow up thinking that what happens in their home is normal and wind up repeating the patterns they observed in their homes of origin. That is why girls that were abused or witnessed abuse in their parent's home go on to usually mary absuive men and the boys that grow up in abusive homes, usually grow up to be abusive. YOU MUST NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU, YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN, AND ALL THE GENERATIONS TO FOLLOW.
Controlling behavior is abusive and it always gets WORSE over time. Please see someone for counseling. They can help you get stronger and help prevent you from becoming involved with someone else in the future that is abusive and controlling. DO NOT under any circumstances believe anything your boyfriend may try to tell you about him changing, etc, etc. His character is already formed and YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMP HIM FOR GOOD AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!!! There is someone wonderful waiting for you in your future, but you need to get emotionally healed first before pursuing another relationship.
Please read the post below that was written in 2005 dealing with abuse. It may help. You are in my prayers.:angel: [/B]

Green Eyes,
Thank you for starting this thread. When I read that you had been involved in several abusive relationships, I knew you could help others from experiencing the same nightmare.
I have personally known several women that have been involved in some type of abusive relationship with a man.
Abuse does not discriminate. It is found in all walks of life, in all types of socio-economic status and is more common than most people would ever like to think. There is a great deal of shame involved and as a result, most women keep it a secret. Intelligent men often know how to hide it well, until they have swept the woman off their feet. They are often initially very romantic and the woman thinks she has found her dream man.
I grew up in a verbally and emotionally abusive home. My father was often very loving and affectionate, however when he got angry, he was like a different person. His face became red and he yelled and screamed like a maniac at my mother and his children. He was sometimes physically abusive to the children, more so with the 2 youngest children, I later found out when I was grown. He is now deceased.
One of my sister's married a policeman that turned out to be emotionally, verbally, physically and sexually abusive. The abuse worsened over the years until she finally had the courage to leave. The reason she stayed for so long is because she was so afraid of losing her children. He always told her he would take the girls away if she left and that is exactly what he did. He physically removed them from the house and she did not get them back until she finally went to court. He lied in court, never left a bruise that anyone saw, and because he was a policeman knew exactly how to play the system to his advantage. (Their story could have been made into a lifetime movie.) My sister has gone through hell and back, and this ....... comes across smelling like a rose in court. She has been divorced from him for about 7 years, however he still to this day, makes up stories or uses any disagreement over the children to bring her back to court, just to harass her.
I only met him once or twice before she married him because we lived in different towns. The biggest red flags now that we look back is that he tried to get serious very quickly. They were engaged within 6 or 9 months and then he moved the wedding up at the last minute telling her they should get married right away since our grandparents were visiting from out of state, etc, etc. Sure enough, within the first year of marriage he moved her across the country away from her family and friends to move near his mom who he has a very strange relationship with. He was a mama's boy.!! (Isolating the woman is a COMMON trait of abusive men.)
I have heard somewhere, that 1 out of like 3 women have been in an abusive relationship. It is much more common than anyone would ever think.
I married a man that had a temper. I had no idea when I was dating him. He never lost his temper once. After we got married, it surfaced almost immediately. He yelled and screamed whenever he got angry, usually over ridiculous things. I came to find out, that my husband was abused verbally, physically and sexually as a child. He had never dealt with his anger over his painful childhood, and as a result would yell and scream at me when he was mad. Most of the time he was sweet and romantic and I was always taken off guard when he got like that. It was like always walking on eggshells. I finally went to my pastor for help and he sent us to a wonderful Christian counselor who helped my husband realize where the anger was coming from and because my husband wanted to change, he did. He has become a different man and with God's help he has had tremendous healing. I believe our story however is the EXCEPTION to the rule. Most abusive men do not change.
I also have had 2 friends that were in abusive relationships and have worked with women that were in abusive relationships.
Because of personal experience, I feel I have more knowledge than most people about this issue.
For any single women reading this board, if you begin dating someone that is jealous, possessive, controlling, or has a short fuse --run away as fast as you can. These are usually traits of an abusive man. No matter how charming and romantic he seems, your life will be nothing but painful if you stay with him. Also, it is usually not a good sign if a guy tries to rush the relationship, and IT IS A BIG RED FLAG if he tries to isolate you from your family and/or friends. These men often begin the process of isolating you by making negative comments about your family and friends. They make it clear that they want you to keep your distance and you start feeling like you have to choose between them and him. A BIG WARNING SIGN!!!!
When you date someone, find out about their childhood and their family relationships, including their parents' relationship. Most men that are abusive, grew up in an abusive home. If you date someone that puts you down, run the other way as well.
Love should feel wonderful and should not be hurtful.
Remember a healthy relationship is one in which 2 emotionally healthy individuals come together. Each person needs to be free to spend time with friends and family and enjoy hobbies on their own at times. It is not healthy to be with someone that wants you to spend all your time with them. Never, ever think you can change someone. If something bothers you about the other person before you get married, it will usually get even worse after you are married. Remember, the person is putting their BEST foot foward while they are dating you.
I hope this thread prevents at least 1 person from becoming involved in an abusive relationship. If is does, it will have served its purpose.
hi its hard for us to saybut think with youre head not youre heart this man you call youre partner,is controling and dangerous you need to leave him now.he has kicked you down so you feel worthless.youre made to feel you cant have friends because you are no good and this allows you to be isolated then he makes you feel you need him because no one else cares so becomes controlling you are human and you are worth more than that but he is a danger,please leave and listen to people whom love and care for you.it is hard but trust me time does make you feel youre worth more and later in life you will lokk back and think to yourself why did i put up with that crap.i went through the sma ething with my ex wife and i was made to feel i could not live my life without her,but i did and i do and met a lovely wife,and i become a stronger person,but like you i never listened to anyone yet had a breakdown over not believeing i couldnt live without her..good luck nobody can tell you iITS YOU WHOM CAN DO IT AND BETTER YOURESELF BUT LET YOURE CLOSETS FRIENDS AND FAMILY HELP YOU DONT TURN AWAY ANY EMOTIONAL HELP YOURE OFFERED GOD BLESS YOU
Cathrine and whoever else was dealing with a controlling boyfriend, I just have to say this, please, please, PLEASE do not stay with a boyfriend who is so controlling and insecure. It will NEVER get better. Even if you talk to them and explain what the problem is, they may promise to do better and promise to change... and they may change for a time... but it will not last.

I have seen it so many times. I was in a relationship like that. It was miserable but I was so worried to be alone... I didn't realize that I was afraid. I thought I was in love... but it was so far from love.

There is nothing better than a healthy happy relationship! Seriously, you will KNOW the difference immediately. My husband is proof of that to me. Life is just too short to be living like that. This is the ONLY life you will get, do not waste it on a man who doesn't care or respect YOU. And that is exactly what it is... they do not care - it is not love. It is an ego trip and a control issue.

Sorry - I don't mean to sound harsh, I just hate to see someone be in that situation. Enjoy your life!!!





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