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Relationship Health Message Board


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[B]Catherine, you have gotten wonderful advice from people and as you said in your post, you realize you are NOT happy with this guy. I realize you have been with him for 8 years, but that is nothing honey compared to the rest of your life. Just imagine a future with a husband like this. In fact, once you marry him, IT WOULD EVEN GET WORSE!!!!!!! Do you want your future children growing up watching their father treat their mother like this, or a father that would be abusive to their children? Remember children grow up thinking that what happens in their home is normal and wind up repeating the patterns they observed in their homes of origin. That is why girls that were abused or witnessed abuse in their parent's home go on to usually mary absuive men and the boys that grow up in abusive homes, usually grow up to be abusive. YOU MUST NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU, YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN, AND ALL THE GENERATIONS TO FOLLOW.
Controlling behavior is abusive and it always gets WORSE over time. Please see someone for counseling. They can help you get stronger and help prevent you from becoming involved with someone else in the future that is abusive and controlling. DO NOT under any circumstances believe anything your boyfriend may try to tell you about him changing, etc, etc. His character is already formed and YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMP HIM FOR GOOD AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!!! There is someone wonderful waiting for you in your future, but you need to get emotionally healed first before pursuing another relationship.
Please read the post below that was written in 2005 dealing with abuse. It may help. You are in my prayers.:angel: [/B]

Green Eyes,
Thank you for starting this thread. When I read that you had been involved in several abusive relationships, I knew you could help others from experiencing the same nightmare.
I have personally known several women that have been involved in some type of abusive relationship with a man.
Abuse does not discriminate. It is found in all walks of life, in all types of socio-economic status and is more common than most people would ever like to think. There is a great deal of shame involved and as a result, most women keep it a secret. Intelligent men often know how to hide it well, until they have swept the woman off their feet. They are often initially very romantic and the woman thinks she has found her dream man.
I grew up in a verbally and emotionally abusive home. My father was often very loving and affectionate, however when he got angry, he was like a different person. His face became red and he yelled and screamed like a maniac at my mother and his children. He was sometimes physically abusive to the children, more so with the 2 youngest children, I later found out when I was grown. He is now deceased.
One of my sister's married a policeman that turned out to be emotionally, verbally, physically and sexually abusive. The abuse worsened over the years until she finally had the courage to leave. The reason she stayed for so long is because she was so afraid of losing her children. He always told her he would take the girls away if she left and that is exactly what he did. He physically removed them from the house and she did not get them back until she finally went to court. He lied in court, never left a bruise that anyone saw, and because he was a policeman knew exactly how to play the system to his advantage. (Their story could have been made into a lifetime movie.) My sister has gone through hell and back, and this ....... comes across smelling like a rose in court. She has been divorced from him for about 7 years, however he still to this day, makes up stories or uses any disagreement over the children to bring her back to court, just to harass her.
I only met him once or twice before she married him because we lived in different towns. The biggest red flags now that we look back is that he tried to get serious very quickly. They were engaged within 6 or 9 months and then he moved the wedding up at the last minute telling her they should get married right away since our grandparents were visiting from out of state, etc, etc. Sure enough, within the first year of marriage he moved her across the country away from her family and friends to move near his mom who he has a very strange relationship with. He was a mama's boy.!! (Isolating the woman is a COMMON trait of abusive men.)
I have heard somewhere, that 1 out of like 3 women have been in an abusive relationship. It is much more common than anyone would ever think.
I married a man that had a temper. I had no idea when I was dating him. He never lost his temper once. After we got married, it surfaced almost immediately. He yelled and screamed whenever he got angry, usually over ridiculous things. I came to find out, that my husband was abused verbally, physically and sexually as a child. He had never dealt with his anger over his painful childhood, and as a result would yell and scream at me when he was mad. Most of the time he was sweet and romantic and I was always taken off guard when he got like that. It was like always walking on eggshells. I finally went to my pastor for help and he sent us to a wonderful Christian counselor who helped my husband realize where the anger was coming from and because my husband wanted to change, he did. He has become a different man and with God's help he has had tremendous healing. I believe our story however is the EXCEPTION to the rule. Most abusive men do not change.
I also have had 2 friends that were in abusive relationships and have worked with women that were in abusive relationships.
Because of personal experience, I feel I have more knowledge than most people about this issue.
For any single women reading this board, if you begin dating someone that is jealous, possessive, controlling, or has a short fuse --run away as fast as you can. These are usually traits of an abusive man. No matter how charming and romantic he seems, your life will be nothing but painful if you stay with him. Also, it is usually not a good sign if a guy tries to rush the relationship, and IT IS A BIG RED FLAG if he tries to isolate you from your family and/or friends. These men often begin the process of isolating you by making negative comments about your family and friends. They make it clear that they want you to keep your distance and you start feeling like you have to choose between them and him. A BIG WARNING SIGN!!!!
When you date someone, find out about their childhood and their family relationships, including their parents' relationship. Most men that are abusive, grew up in an abusive home. If you date someone that puts you down, run the other way as well.
Love should feel wonderful and should not be hurtful.
Remember a healthy relationship is one in which 2 emotionally healthy individuals come together. Each person needs to be free to spend time with friends and family and enjoy hobbies on their own at times. It is not healthy to be with someone that wants you to spend all your time with them. Never, ever think you can change someone. If something bothers you about the other person before you get married, it will usually get even worse after you are married. Remember, the person is putting their BEST foot foward while they are dating you.
I hope this thread prevents at least 1 person from becoming involved in an abusive relationship. If is does, it will have served its purpose.





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