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Relationship Health Message Board

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Feb 27, 2007
I've come to realise that I have a difficult time opening up emotionally and believing in my boyfriend. Because of this, I feel miserable quite often, I feel uneasy and insecure in my relationship.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for seven months. He first told me he loved me about a month and a half into our relationship and immedietly upon him first saying it to me, I told him that I thought he was confused and infatuated. I took me two months to be able to say it back, throughout which time I consistently told him I thought he was confused and didn't understand what he was talking about. I tried to emotionally "distance" myself from him, told him I didn't believe he loved me, or he didn't know what love was and that eventually he would realise his mistake. All the while he continued to try to convince me otherwise and never pressured me to feel any certain way towards him.

For a while, meaning about several months, things felt fine, even blissful. I loved him and he loved me. That was that. No questions asked. Yet, i suppose even during that time I only believed what he told me on the surface, I never let it sink in, i never truely opened up to him emotionally and I continued to question his feelings for me. (keep in mind he has never done anything to make me question him. he's been a great boyfriend by all means and most people would think i'm crazy for being the way I am). Another interjection-- I think for him, things have always been fine and dandy. I think his feelings for me have been and are consistant and he seems to very devoted. He gets along well with my parents, hangs out with then even when I'm not around, buys me flowers for no reason, calls me whenever he gets a chance, etc. he's great.

Anyway, right now there is some distance between us. In the last month I've moved an hour away from where he lives and we see each other about once a week. Lately, I've been feeling so insecure and wierd about our relationship. I'm starting to question why he's willing to deal with this distance, why he's with me, if he loves me. I've had conversations with him about this and it obviously saddens him. He says it hurts him to know I think this way and makes his heart sink when I tell him I don't truely believe he loves me. I just don't know what to do. I wonder if all this stems for bitterness and insecurity? I wonder sometimes If I'm not emotionally ready to be in a serious relationship at my age (19), especially one that's essentially long distance and will continue be so until I graduate college (assuming we stay together that long). I often get these urges to say " I need a break" even though I want to say with him so badly. I just feel that this "break" could allow for us to start fresh. Or at least in my mind things will be fresh.I would be rid of these insecurities and these terrible thoughts that run through my mind and things can be easy again.

I really do think I love him...he's a great guy-treats me right, listens, is patient, caring...etc. Maybe though a break would be good for me. I feel that for majority of the time that I am unable to see him/be with him because of the distance I'm literarly driving myself insane. I feel so depressed and lonely. When I speak to him over the phone I feel insecure and I feel that things are "rocky" simpley because I"ve told him what I mentioned about (that I think he's confused, doesn't understand what he's talking about and doesn't love me). I feel uneasy. I kinda just wish our relationship could go back to how it was before. When we were first dating and things were "perfect" there were no flaws yet...I also wish I could just let down my gaurd sometimes and open up to him emotionally. I mean, yes, I TALK to him about what bugs me and we're there for each other but I only take what he says with a grain of salt. Is it ok to do this? I mean, he says " I love you. I want to be with you for a long time. I see a future with you..etc" should I believe this coming from the mouth of a 20 year old guy in an LDR? I try not take anything (in relation to our relationship) to heart. I sorta let it glide off me like water off a ducks back. I want to believe him and be "in love" and feel secure and happy but I can't because I know that statistically most young college relationships don't last, especially long distance ones. I just don't understand that point of relationships sometimes, because the all eventually come to an end. Especially at my age. I dont' know what he's expecting but chances are we're not going to be together for this "long time" that he's talking about. It's not that I want us to end, or that I want someone else, I just dont' know if I am capable of being in a relationship. I can already feel rifting between us (although this could just all be in my head). I mean, we bicker over the phone when we're not together about such stupid things! It's so annoying lol. BUt the funny thing is, that when we finally to get to BE TOGETHER at the weekends all of these feelings seem to go away. I seem to feel happy and content again.

Right now though, I have this pit in my stomach. I feel uneasy when I talk to him. I just dont' know what to do. I know breaking it off with him wont make me feel any better. In fact, it would make me feel worse. But I feel insecure with him. I feel that he'll find someone else eventually or he'll realise what a horrible mistake he's making by choosing to stay with someone who's going to college an hour away....He's told me he doesn't feel this way and he's upet that I do and that it's his decision and it's what he wants. He's willing to deal with the distance so he can be with me. I say I am too, just sometimes it gets to me. I think it gets to me quite a lot actually...

I feel that by me telling him that I think he dones't truely love me, etc, and questioning him and his devotion to him, i'm pushing him away and causing this (imaginary) rift.

Ugghhh...I'm just so confused and frustrated. I have this pit in my stomach. I guess I just need to vent but if you would like to comment on this I'd much appreciate it... THANKS (sorry for this being so long)
Re: Why?
Feb 28, 2007
You sound as if you're more worried of what you should be doing at our age, instead of going with the flow. I would agree with taking a short break aswel, as long as its ok with him, and approach the relationship from a different perspective when you get back. I mean you talk about the end of it all, and the next sentence you talk of the love that could be there. Are you worried about not finding a good guy who loves you in the future and feel you have to stick with him now?

I'm going through a difficult time at the moment with a girl who lives 4 hours away - we've know eachother a couple more months than you and your bf, and do everything a normal couple would when we see eachother (which is only 6 times!) and on the phone etc. BUT i was scared (and still am) of having a LDR, so we're not actually 'official' bf gf. This was mainly because im insecure like you, and personally, i don't know if i should be single and have fun (i'm a year younger than you) or just accept how i feel for this girl and make it a proper relationship. Now shes sick of waiting and it needs to go one way or the other.

I think if you're not careful he will have to leave one day - not because he'll 'go off' you or anything, but to protect himself from pain. I worry about the same things you do with my girl, and ask her WHY she wants [I]another[/I] LDR. At the end of the day, [U]what she wants is in my best interest and if i make her happy then im what she wants[/U]. Also, you talked about the inevitable happening of a breakup and whats the point - yeah i thought that too, but without being with a partner, you can't tell the good from the special when they come along.

So can i ask: DO you believe he loves you and do you [I]want[/I] a relationship ? Because if you do, don't make the same mistake i have.
Re: Why?
Feb 28, 2007
[QUOTE=DoubleMint;2828183]I can't do with out it and I'm scared that when things are over between us, that feeling will never return.[/QUOTE]

You said 'when' things are over. You can't go thinking in that way if you really want to be with him. It sounds like you're clinging to the feeling of happiness rather than him, or atleast primarily the feeling. As distance has been added now, i'd say you need to consider if you can cope as it is anymore. Theres nothing worse than being in a relationship for the sake of it and if you know thats whats happening, then you need to stop it for both you and your boyfriends sake. Everybody loves the feeling or being wanted and needed in this world, but it CAN be found with more than one person and you need to realise that.

[QUOTE=DoubleMint;2828183]I used to think that having someone tell me they love me and having someone to be with (romantically) would make me feel better about myself and would make my issues go away. Apparently I was very wrong....[/QUOTE]

Only you can truly solve your issues, but confiding in a friend you trust, a close family member or even a counseller about it will help you immensly - i'd strongly recommend it if you feel insecure enough for it to threaten a relationship and your happiness whether you stay with him or not.

Leading him to believe everythings fine comes with the craving to be happy i think. As you are now, the relationship you're in will eventually fail so decide WHAT YOU WANT before anything else - don't think about him, just what YOU want and how to get there. If it needs to end, as hard and scary it may be, it has to be done. You have to work on your insecurities before you can give happiness to anyone else. If you're not happy and at peace with who you are without having someone tell you, then whatever relationship you're in with [I]any[/I] man in the world, will just not be as bright and magical as it could be. By finding yourself, you'll find others, even if you're not looking ! Live your life for you and only you

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