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I have been with the same man for 5 years now. We have been talking about marriage and I think he is preparing to buy a ring. I just have one problem, his family. Now they are wonderful people, very caring, open-minded, and non-judgemental. They want to treat me as family, but I have big problems with that (especially them trying to hug me, big no no, I don't hug anyone except my kids and my man). I personally think that two people who are together don't have to interact with the other's family. I have never had any kind of relationship with any mans mom and now that I have spent time with my boyfriends mother, its very uncomfortable for me. I have always been this way, even with my own family. I don't call or visit my family but there are no hard feelings, they know me. I never ask my boyfriend to go with me nor do I get mad if decides he doesn't want to go, I really don't care. My boyfriend not being around my family is actually what I want. I have told him many times, I don't like going to family events and it turns into an arguement.

I want to marry him, we have a great relationship other than the family thing. I am just wondering does anyone else have this problem and what have they done. Now I know someone might say I should compromise, but I feel like there is no compromise. I have been going to almost every family event since we've been together and its taking a toll on me and how I feel about my boyfriend (Does he really respect me?). So its either I go and he's happy or a dont go and he's mad. There is no compromise, I don't want to go at all, not even once a year. I don't want this to be a deal breaker, but if he insists that I go even half the time I can't be in a marriage like that. I don't want to feel like I have to suffer to make him happy. Should I just end this now before it goes any further? I love who I am and it has taken a long time to come to that point. I refuse to compromise who I am just to please someone.
Here's the WHOLE story. I don't have the best relationship with my mother, we are too much alike to get along at all times. I respect her and will always love her, not just because she gave birth to me but because she loves my children. My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship and never really been close. With that being said, when I met my boyfriend, I told him up front I have a hard time with people's families, especially the "getting close" part. I told him I would try to be apart of his family and associate with his mother. In the first year of our realtionship I spent time with his mother, went by her house, even just sat down and chatted with her. I told her about how my life was growing up and why I am as hard as I am. I told her about my drug addict abusive father (who by the way made a total 360 and is the best Dad ever) and my mother who was more concern with my father than me, I told her about how I had never say down with my own mother the way I did with her. I made a real effort to be close to this woman and it backfired. When I got pregnant with my daughter, my boyfriends mother asked me if I was trying to trap him by having his baby....maybe mothers say these things, but he had nothing at that time to trap him for. Then I went through alot with my boyfriend as far as if he loved me. He told in the beginning how important family was to him, I tried to be involved but then about 2 years into the relationship he told me he didn't love me and I needed to get out, this was around Christmas. I was broken into pieces and went to his mother with my problems because I didn't have much relationship with my own. Well long story short, I went to his house to get my things while he wasn't there and his mother called screaming into the phone "DON'T HURT MY BABY!!! DON'T HURT HIM",my boyfriend and I had never and have never had any physical confrontations, she then showed up at his house yelling at me. My boyfriend and I reconsiled, and about 10 months later the same thing happened, he didn't love me anymore, and I had to leave again. Well once again I'm thinking I can go to her with my problems because she said she cared. She happened to call the night my boyfriend and I were arguing very bad. I answered the phone in tears because he just left the house (all this happened the day before my birthday) She asked me if she could take the kids overnight and I wasn't really in the right mood to discuss that so I said not right now and she screamed into the phone "YOU'RE GONNA TAKE THE GIRLS AWAYS FROM ME!!!" and hung up on me. SInce then I can't look her in the face without knowing who she really cares about even when her son is treating me like dirt for no reason and she said she cared. My boyfriend only said to her "Mom you were wrong" and left it at that, but he told me I should just get over it. Now does this make sense as to why I'm against being around her??? I didn't have a good relationship with my own mother and as soon as get close to his mother she treats me like some trashy woman who only wants to use her son. Why would anyone ever want to deal with that again???
[QUOTE=AmIwrong2005;2857866]Here's the WHOLE story. I don't have the best relationship with my mother, we are too much alike to get along at all times. I respect her and will always love her, not just because she gave birth to me but because she loves my children. My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship and never really been close. With that being said, when I met my boyfriend, I told him up front I have a hard time with people's families, especially the "getting close" part. I told him I would try to be apart of his family and associate with his mother. In the first year of our realtionship I spent time with his mother, went by her house, even just sat down and chatted with her. I told her about how my life was growing up and why I am as hard as I am. I told her about my drug addict abusive father (who by the way made a total 360 and is the best Dad ever) and my mother who was more concern with my father than me, I told her about how I had never say down with my own mother the way I did with her. I made a real effort to be close to this woman and it backfired. When I got pregnant with my daughter, my boyfriends mother asked me if I was trying to trap him by having his baby....maybe mothers say these things, but he had nothing at that time to trap him for. Then I went through alot with my boyfriend as far as if he loved me. He told in the beginning how important family was to him, I tried to be involved but then about 2 years into the relationship he told me he didn't love me and I needed to get out, this was around Christmas. I was broken into pieces and went to his mother with my problems because I didn't have much relationship with my own. Well long story short, I went to his house to get my things while he wasn't there and his mother called screaming into the phone "DON'T HURT MY BABY!!! DON'T HURT HIM",my boyfriend and I had never and have never had any physical confrontations, she then showed up at his house yelling at me. My boyfriend and I reconsiled, and about 10 months later the same thing happened, he didn't love me anymore, and I had to leave again. Well once again I'm thinking I can go to her with my problems because she said she cared. She happened to call the night my boyfriend and I were arguing very bad. I answered the phone in tears because he just left the house (all this happened the day before my birthday) She asked me if she could take the kids overnight and I wasn't really in the right mood to discuss that so I said not right now and she screamed into the phone "YOU'RE GONNA TAKE THE GIRLS AWAYS FROM ME!!!" and hung up on me. SInce then I can't look her in the face without knowing who she really cares about even when her son is treating me like dirt for no reason and she said she cared. My boyfriend only said to her "Mom you were wrong" and left it at that, but he told me I should just get over it. Now does this make sense as to why I'm against being around her??? I didn't have a good relationship with my own mother and as soon as get close to his mother she treats me like some trashy woman who only wants to use her son. Why would anyone ever want to deal with that again???[/QUOTE]


I just read your whole story. Im sorry, i just didnt know things with her were so bad and i TOTALLY get where you are coming from. Thought you had a good rel with them but evidentally that just wouldnt be possible.

hope everything works out ok but u not wanting to be around them is understandable given her behaviour
[QUOTE=AmIwrong2005;2857866]Here's the WHOLE story. I don't have the best relationship with my mother, we are too much alike to get along at all times. I respect her and will always love her, not just because she gave birth to me but because she loves my children. My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship and never really been close. With that being said, when I met my boyfriend, I told him up front I have a hard time with people's families, especially the "getting close" part. I told him I would try to be apart of his family and associate with his mother. In the first year of our realtionship I spent time with his mother, went by her house, even just sat down and chatted with her. I told her about how my life was growing up and why I am as hard as I am. I told her about my drug addict abusive father (who by the way made a total 360 and is the best Dad ever) and my mother who was more concern with my father than me, I told her about how I had never say down with my own mother the way I did with her. I made a real effort to be close to this woman and it backfired. When I got pregnant with my daughter, my boyfriends mother asked me if I was trying to trap him by having his baby....maybe mothers say these things, but he had nothing at that time to trap him for. Then I went through alot with my boyfriend as far as if he loved me. He told in the beginning how important family was to him, I tried to be involved but then about 2 years into the relationship he told me he didn't love me and I needed to get out, this was around Christmas. I was broken into pieces and went to his mother with my problems because I didn't have much relationship with my own. Well long story short, I went to his house to get my things while he wasn't there and his mother called screaming into the phone "DON'T HURT MY BABY!!! DON'T HURT HIM",my boyfriend and I had never and have never had any physical confrontations, she then showed up at his house yelling at me. My boyfriend and I reconsiled, and about 10 months later the same thing happened, he didn't love me anymore, and I had to leave again. Well once again I'm thinking I can go to her with my problems because she said she cared. She happened to call the night my boyfriend and I were arguing very bad. I answered the phone in tears because he just left the house (all this happened the day before my birthday) She asked me if she could take the kids overnight and I wasn't really in the right mood to discuss that so I said not right now and she screamed into the phone "YOU'RE GONNA TAKE THE GIRLS AWAYS FROM ME!!!" and hung up on me. SInce then I can't look her in the face without knowing who she really cares about even when her son is treating me like dirt for no reason and she said she cared. My boyfriend only said to her "Mom you were wrong" and left it at that, but he told me I should just get over it. Now does this make sense as to why I'm against being around her??? I didn't have a good relationship with my own mother and as soon as get close to his mother she treats me like some trashy woman who only wants to use her son. Why would anyone ever want to deal with that again???[/QUOTE]

yeah, but earlier, you said that you wouldn't care about the person that your son married, because she wouldn't be "your" family. Also, you had said that you have been like this your whole life. So now you are saying that this problem just started with this relationship? If your BF really does treat you like dirt, why earlier did you ssay what a good man he was, also you said what a loving family he had, you just didn't want to compromise and have to put yourself out to visit them.

earlier poster was right, this just doesn't add up.





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