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This Is So Hard
Mar 3, 2007
I am such a mess, really. Help! (Well, more Help! since you guys have already been incredibly helpful).

So, I tried to break up with my boyfriend yesterday. I tried, I really tried. He started crying and getting very upset and I just didn't know what to do. I wished that he would just get up and walk out the door...actually let us break up. But he kept pleading and crying. I was getting ready to go out and meet some friends, and he made me promise to meet up with him later that night. I didn't really want to make any promises because I didn't know where the night was going to lead, but he honestly would not let me get away without swearing I would see him later. Even though I've been so unhappy for so long, I felt really guilty, and that made me confused! I told him about how unhappy I am with the relationship and how I just feel like he is not the one for me. But then he went on about how he needed me and didn't want to lose me, and I just felt so guilty...but I don't think I'm in love with him! I don't think I have been for a long time. :(

So I went out, and wanted to forget about all of this drama at least for a little while. My boyfriend started sending me text messages about how I'm the only thing worth living for and if he loses me then he won't want to go on...intimating, of course, that he was going to try and kill himself. And I was so annoyed at him for doing that, and then I felt guilty for being annoyed and thought I must be such a terrible person...but I just didn't want to have to deal with that. :(

Well, here is where a new problem comes in. :dizzy: There is this guy named Shawn that I met through mutual friends about two months ago. I've seen him now and again when I go out, and we've talked, and about a couple of weeks ago I realized that I was developing a serious crush on him. It has been a looong time since I've enjoyed being around somebody so much. He is so incredibly funny and entertaining and laid back that it is this huge breath of fresh air, especially after all of the constant negativity that comes with being around my boyfriend and his circle of stoner friends.

We'd been kind of lightly flirting for awhile, and I've been unable to get him out of my mind. I really WAS NOT planning on actually getting physical with him, but we were both drinking and I ended up going home with him. It would be unladylike of me to elaborate, but I had a great night. And the best part of being around him is that just he constantly makes me laugh.

Except everything is just totally screwed. He knows that I have a boyfriend, however tenuous the situation may be, and I'm so sad that I turned into just a booty call when I really, really like this guy. When I got home my boyfriend had left about 30 messages on my phone, and he wanted to come over and see me. I mean, I completely blew him off last night. If someone did that to me I would be so angry that I'd never talk to them again. But instead he came over and was again crying and told me about all of these difficult things he had been through in life, and how I was the only good thing in his life and he couldn't lose me. I had no idea he had SO many issues. My goodness, if I'd known even a third of all of this in the beginning...I would have run.

He was SO UPSET that I didn't know what else to do except promise not to leave him! But a part of me feels like he is putting some kind of burden on me. I don't want to be the ONLY good thing in a person's life - that puts so much pressure on me. And I feel like I somehow have this obligation to stay with him and make him happy. He swore that he would change, stop smoking weed, etc, but I don't know if that would even matter.

This all sucks! I care about him as a friend and hate to see him sad. But I wish that I didn't have to be his freaking salvation. Why does he have to do this to me? I can't just tell someone "Get out of my life" when they're sitting there crying so hard that they're gasping for breath. What am I supposed to do??!





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