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Hi everyone... I'm new here. I need someone to talk to, and after reading some posts you all look like a great bunch. I've been struggling for many months with my first breakup. It's a long story, so I apologize in advance!
My first real boyfriend and I started going together in June of 2005. We had been friends for years... we're both firefighters for our little small-town fire company. We both love cars, and that's how we really connected. He taught me how to be a witty firefighter and to be a better mechanic. We had a wonderful relationship and we fell for eachother. He's a service manager for a garage and his job sucks up alot of his life. It was always in the way, sometimes it sucked because there were times where we could not spend much time together. He was my first everything, and I didn't know a thing about relationships. Needless to say, I screwed up everything. I have always been shot tempered and my patience used to run thin. I began to get frustrated with him and how his job was his life. Things just got to be stressful, and looking back on it now it was because I wasn't being understanding. I was so stupid... I hate myself for it now. We both began to be very stressed, and I flipped my lid one night. I was so weak and drained, not to mention afraid. It got to the point where I was losing the one who I was so deeply in love with... We had been together for more than a year now. I started to get sick because of how stressed I was. I couldn't take it anymore, we needed some help. Talking one night, I cried. I lost my cool and broke up with him, I wasn't even thinking. What I really wanted to say was that we needed to get all of our issues out in the open and talk it out and try to fix this, because we were eachother's world. But no... I just threw him away.

I was so in shock about the horrible thing I had done, the pain and depression didn't actually hit until a week later. I woke up one morning and realized... my sweetie was gone. We agreed to still be friends. I cried so much and was so depressed. I could barely function. I was a shell of myself. I tried to undo what I had said, but to no avail. "It's better this way," he said. He is a little bit older, and much wiser than I. "Love fades, friendship is forever" was what he would tell me. We bickered all summer and did not get along. I drank alot. It was terrible. Every day was hard, and the nights were the worst. I would cry myself to sleep at night. It was hard for me to see or talk to him because I would get upset. I never cried so much in my entire life. I never thought it was possible to hurt so bad from breaking up with someone. My mom worried for me and thought I should see someone about the depression. I didn't, I soldiered on myself. No matter what, he would not take me back. One day, he and I did a fire department fundraising activity together. At the end of the day sitting in the cab of the fire engine, he looked at me and said "See, everything's okay. Don't we get along better as friends?" I smiled and shook my head. From there on, things got a little easier.

Today, he and I are the best of friends and we get along beautifully. Still, I love him and I can't make that feeling go away no matter how hard I try. It's so difficult and it still makes it hard. I grew alot since we broke up and I am patient and cool-tempered. I know what I did wrong now and I know what I should have done then. I'm filled with so much grief and I just don't know how to make myself feel better. I still occasionally struggle with the depression, though it isn't as bad. When I'm with him I feel so guilty about how I feel because he's so happy. I'm just at such a loss as to what I should do. I'm thinking about finding a counselor to talk to, just so I can get this out. Will I ever feel better? Wow, this was so long. Sorry if I put y'all to sleep! Thank you for listening...

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