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Relationship Health Message Board


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Oh my god Suzy I am so sorry that your suspcions were correct! It breaks my heart to hear of someone being cheated on in this manner because it happened to me, too! My boyfriend had a nine month long affair with this woman he worked with. Listening to your story just made my heart drop as I know EXACTLY how you're feeling right now, and it's one of the worst feelings in the world.

I know you don't want a divorce and marriage is obviously totally different than just being in a relationship with someone, but if I were you, I would make myself stone to him. I would become ice cold and throw his roses right out into the street until you are able to heal from this. I don't want to make you any more mad or upset than you already are, but I would NOT believe for one second that your husband is not or has not slept with this woman. God I hate to say that, but he had a CONDOM in his wallet....something that he won't even use with you, when you are worried about pregnancy. If he didn't already have sex, you better believe that he was planning on it happening very soon. And I keep thinking--why would the condom be open? The only scenario I can think of is that your husband and this woman were about to have sex and were interrupted, or one of them decided not to go through with it. Why else would a person open up a condom?

I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I am still with the man that cheated on me, and although we are closer in many, many ways, I still am not entirely sure that I'll be able to fully trust him again. The second he works overtime or doesn't pick up his phone, I am filled with a feeling of dread. We are trying so hard to work through the fact that he cheated, but it's such an incredibly difficult and emotionally trying process. I think it would be easier for me if my boyfriend cheated on me one time by having sex with another woman rather than having an all-out affair. Neither are right, but it still kills me that he had strong feelings for this other woman, and showed her more respect than he showed me.

I see that your husband doesn't want to classify his little date as cheating. BULL! MAKE him know that it was cheating. Because he won't accept blame, he is unaccountable for his actions, and is therefore not truly making it up to you because in his mind he is "innocent". I would also tell my husband to quit his job and find a new oen ASAP. There is no way that he is going to be able to succesfully break off an emotional affair when he sees the woman everyday. In my case, my boyfriend now works the opposite shift as the woman he cheated on me with, and she is now married and had another child.

I can't tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this...I know it's tough. It's easy in this situation to just crumble and break down, and if you have to, let it happen so you don't hold it all in as resentment (although you have a right to be resentful). The best advice I can give you is to tell you to keep doing positive affirmations. Tell yourself that you deserve better over and over again until you believe it. Get a new haircut or get your nails done or something, and look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are better than any man that would do this to you. Regardless of WHAT issues you and your husband were having in the bedroom it doesn't give him ANY excuse to cheat and IS NOT your fault. Somtimes sex drives naturally decline after many years of marriage, and your husband should've had the self control and committment to his marriage to put his energy there, where it belongs. What a pig is right.

~Katalina





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