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I'll add some low-self esteem "nerd" perspective onto this. I am not trying to sound like I am bragging (I am trying to make a point), but I am a very intelligent guy. I am graduating early from one of the top universities with a masters degree. I am 6'1" and pretty athletic. I can be funny and witty. I am pretty good at reading people so I am empathetic. My friends would all agree that I would be a great prospect for women.

However, women scare the crap out of me. I have high self esteem in most other situations. I am very comfortable talking to other guys and to the girlfriends of my male friends (because they are "off the market"). In many situations, I am the leader of men. Most of my friends seem to value my opinions and what I have to say more. I usually make the decisions in the group. One time I even had to step up and get into a physical fight to protect my friends. However, with single women, I am nervous as hell.

Now, let's take a look at a "nerd" (by nerd I mean good intelligent guys who seem to have low self esteem, they are often normal looking). People who are intelligent, funny, witty, and in general good at many aspects in life are often so good only because they try hard. They study hard, they listen, they observe... they are perfectionists. Almost by default, they are not as good as they wish to be. If I thought "Oh, I am smart and I can do anything" then I would have dropped out of school (and probably in effect become one of those cocky stupid guys). In fact, most of the better guys are like this, they think they are not good enough and they keep improving themselves.

I think the reason why I am nervous about women is that if I start a relationship, I know that there is now somebody else at stake. If I hurt myself, I can live with it, but if I hurt someone else, that would bother me for a long time. Also, on approaching women: I am often thinking "She might not like me. She might be annoyed that some random guy is approaching her, I know that I sometimes get annoyed when random people start talking to me. Maybe she does not want to be bothered." This is empathy backfiring on me. I care too much about others that it makes me nervous. This is why you sometimes hear people say, "That is a great looking girl, why is she going out with that jackass?" The "jackass", who does not care about others, is more confident. In fact, guys who think "this girl is lucky that I am hitting on her, she should be grateful that I want to have sex with her" are the guys who look the most confident (but obviously, they are probably not the best guys for a relationship). Often, shy guys who would allow a woman to "walk all over" them care about the woman a lot. He values her a lot and fears the thought of losing her of pissing her off (which is why he tends to give in more).

Are all confident guys "bad" and are all "good" guys shy? No. Most guys discover that they need to appear confident to attract women. In fact, I find that sometimes, even though I really want to make a girl happy, I have to just go against her. I have tested this, the girl liked me more because I bossed her around a little bit. Guys eventually find the right balance of power (how much the guy should try to impress the girl before he seems arrogant, how much the guy should give into the girl before he seems weak, etc). Unfortunately for some, it takes them a long time before they get the courage to go out there and gain the experience to figure this out.

Don't discount all the shy guys. They can be great guys, they are usually just a little less experienced. However, if a guy has too little self esteem (i.e. he even lets his male friends walk all over him, he is afraid of people in general, etc), that can be a problem. But if a guy is nervous around a woman, that is proof that he likes her.





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