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Re: I Got Played
Apr 5, 2007
The thing about just throwing off all of my shackles and becoming independent is that it is just not that simple for me. I don't like to make excuses or bring up stuff like this, because usually I consider it irrelevant, and I hate labels. But the fact is that it is not at all easy for me to hold down a job and support myself. I'm bi-polar as well as eating-disordered. I've had seven jobs over the past five years, and my average time at each job was 3-4 months. One of several things always ends up happening - either I get so depressed I can hardly get out of bed or move, or my hypomania kicks in and totally derails me, or else my eating disorder gets so bad to the point that I need treatment.

The last time I worked was last July. It was not really a bad job, extremely easy, but my depression soon kicked in. I was still managing, until I got hit with what was either a manic episode or some other kind of instance of becoming whacked out. I literally could not sleep at all for more than a week, or eat. I even tried taking NyQuil, but even that would not help. I was so totally helpless. Since I was not sleeping I was useless at work, and you only get so many sick days. I had no choice but to quit.

So that's the problem. I'm just so unstable. I applied for disability a few years ago and they turned me down...I don't know if they thought I was making it all up for my own amusement, or what. I've been lucky all these years that I've had my parents to fall back on, and now my boyfriend. What am I supposed to do if I leave him and become self-supporting, and then go through the same thing I ALWAYS go through? My pattern is to go several months without working, and calm down a little. Then I always think I'm ready to get out there once again, and I get really excited about it. But then without fail, within weeks I am back to where I always am, hit with a crushing depression, or running around going all nuts and haywire.

Not having responsibilities or stress helps me out, it keeps me somewhat stable. In that regard I am lucky to have someone who wants to take care of me.


[QUOTE]I am trying to understand how one gets played by a guy when you have what you consistently refer to as a boyfriend. It seems your living scenario causes great confusion in roles and what you can/should be able to expect from the those you have entered into relationships with. Staying with your "boyfriend" implies certain relationship expectations.[/QUOTE]

My boyfriend knows that I mess around with other people on occassion. Also, I don't live with him. I tried to break up with him when I realized I was having feelings for my friend. He refused and has always said that he doesn't care if I sleep with other people as long as I don't break up with him. (I know that is a strange logic). To be completely frank, I do believe it turns him on to know I fool around with other people. He's a bit of a cuckold.

Even though I sometimes get frustrated with having to depend on somebody else, I recognize at the same time that I am fortunate. I may have moments where I want to have total freedom, but the fact is that I am just not able to take care of myself and I recognize it. So I do what I can.

In regards to my friend...I am trying to come to terms with the fact that he is not looking for a girlfriend and is only interested in fun. I know it isn't me personally, because he simply just does not want a girlfriend. I've already begun to distance myself from him, and when we all go out I've begun hanging out with a new group of people. This pains me because I really like to be around him, and I think I can accept who he is. But I want to back off for awhile so it looks like I am not trying to hone it on him. I think this whole situation has helped me to grow a lot, actually. (About time, haha).





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