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Re: I'm back!
Apr 11, 2007
Hi Ava! Good to have you back. Sorry to hear it was such an emotional battle, but that is pretty much what divorce is. My God, it sucks!

I don't want to tell you one way or the other what you should do. You are the only one who can make the decision, and where you say you are easily influenced by others I want to try to choose my words carefully. There were a couple of things that stuck out to me that I want you to think about.

[B]Basically, the entire trip he questioned every second and minute of the day if divorce was what I wanted and I had my answer and was yes. There were times, I was mad because he kept asking me and I was like enough of the asking. We got a lot of ugly stuff out and he cried saying how hurt he was and that he would work on a lot of things and would do his best to be a great husband.[/B]

I think you knew this was going to happen. It almost sounds like he turning all the guilt around on you for HIS behavior and actions. Hardly fair. He is the reason all this is going on in the first place. I don't blame you for being mad. You made a very difficult decision and he is making you second guess yourself. Don't allow him to influence what you feel in your heart is right.

[B]So, we did go see an attorney and filed. My husband was supposed to go and sign tomorrow, but won't go until Monday to see if I will give the marriage another shot and that if I do decide to work on it I have to give him an answer by Sunday.[/B]

That is such a low play. It's like he has such little respect for your feelings that you couldn't possibly have your mind made up over something HE did. I see Sunday coming and if you don't give him the answer he wants he'll just extend the deadline.

[B]Since our house is out there and he's there, he says I have to move out there to make it work etc... get a job, and just fly out to the west coast to take the state test to graduate for school. He says I have to be willing to forget his past and move on and look forward and give my 100%. And he'll do the same. Basically, if anything bad happens down the road no matter what it is, we have to find ways to work it out and not just give up. That is his belief when it comes to marriage. [/B]

So basicly if you were to want to work on the marriage YOU would have to make all of the sacrificing? What if you wanted to stay where you are AND make it work? Don't you think since he is the one who f*@ked up HE should be the one having to do a little more sacrificing? It's so easy for him to say to forget the past and move on, he's not the one who was hurt. Sometimes it's just not that easy. You forgive, forget, and move forward on YOUR timetable, not his.

[B]So, right now I am doing a lot of soul-searching. I don't know if I can give it my 100%, I feel I should work on my marriage but also don't. I feel like a failure if I don't. But, then I also wonder if there is someone else out there better for me. He did a number on me and I am easily influenced by others. i have a hard time sticking to my decisions and can change them in a flash if I am not focused! [/B]

He must know this about you and that is why he is acting the way he is right now making you doubt yourself. It's very manipulative. You should never feel like a failure if you can't work on your marriage. He hurt you and broke your trust. That isn't always repairable, especially with someone who thinks you should just forgive and forget without taking any real ownership or responsibility.

[B]He did admit that what he did was wrong, but then was quick to say that my friend was doing it too. [/B]

That's not admitting he was wrong, that is finding an excuse for his behavior. It isn't about your friend, it's about him. If he doesn't see that and understand that then I don't know how you can even begin to repair it.

[B]I do love him, part of me has no respect for him, and of course to top it off I feel guilty for wanting a divorce. But I think that is because I do still care about him and we've been together so long that I almost think if I work it out, I am doing it just for be with someone. I feel I was never in love with him.[/B]

That is a pretty powerful statement. If you can't respect your own husband that says a lot. You can not allow your guilt of doing what is right for you overshadow anything. There are so many wrong reasons to stay with a person, ie., because you've been together a while, security, children, the fear of being alone, etc.. Are there any RIGHT reasons here? In all that you have said in your posts I don't hear them.

Anyway, sorry for going on so long. I know the divorce was a tough decision for you and everyone wrestles with whether or not they are doing the right thing. You must have a gut feeling when you look at him and when you talk to him whether or not you can work on it. In my experience, I filed for divorce, took him back out of guilt, and then immediately regreted it. Our problems were far worse than yours, but my point is he made me second guess what I knew in my heart and my gut was right. Follow YOUR feelings and instincts, not those of anyone else and you will be okay!

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