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Hi everyone,

I'm feeling really lost and would really appreciate some feedback.

I've been with my current boyfriend for about 3.5 years now. We started dating in college and are now at the same grad school. I guess the best way to describe our relationship is to say that it's been an emotional roller coaster.

When we first started dating, we got close really quickly and started spending a lot of time together right away. I saw immediately that things bothered him easily, and as it turns out, he got angry with me at least once a week. A lot of people would say that he was possessive and controlling, insecure about my going out with friends too much, not spending enough time with him etc. He would get upset at a lot of things and I would spend a lot of energy consoling him. I remember feeling really frustrated because I wanted to be with him, but I wished that he wouldn't get mad so easily. Eventually, it did lead to some violence, but for some reason I kept wanting to be with him. Slowly, I grew apart from a lot of my friends. We tried a few times to break up, but we always ended up back together within a few days. He also got counseling for anger issues.

And so about 2 years of this went by, and then we graduated from college. We both took some time off to work before going to grad school, and then something started to change. He had stopped hitting me at this point (and hasn't done so in the past year and a half). But more than that, he started to act differently. He still got angry with me easily, but it was about different things. I can't even remember what things he got mad at exactly because they were so numerous, but he just wanted to be alone more frequently and didn't want me to console him until the next day. He would just leave whenever something made him angry and tell me I couldn't see him till the next day. But during this time, somehow, I got more and more attached and dependent on him.

We went on like that for a year, and then we both started grad school last fall. This is when he really started to be different. All of a sudden, he wanted to hang out with all these people (our classmates), and a lot of times he'd want to do it alone, without me. He also started saying that I was too competitive and that I couldn't be happy for him ever. He's been saying that he feels restricted, that he's miserable, that he's tired of me controlling everything to get my own way. He says that I only think of myself and my own emotions. A few weeks ago, he told me that he hides things from me because I always bring him down whenever he tells me something. And for the past few months, everytime he gets angry with me (which is at least once a week), he says he can't take it and that he wants to break up. But he ends up coming back (either on his own or because I beg him to), and he asks me what I'm going to do differently and what my solution is. He won't ever agree to getting back together unless I come up with a solution.

I feel like such a horrible person when I think that I'm actually doing all those things to him. But at the same time, I think a lot of the things he says to me are just mean, and if I ever told him that he was like that, he'd get really angry. He doesn't really like to hear my explanations for things, as he says that they're just excuses. He also hates it when I cry while we fight because he says that I'm just pitying myself.

The truth is I do think I'm becoming a little controlling of him, and I think I am somewhat insecure now. But I just get the feeling that he just doesn't understand me - it's just all about the way he feels. Or am I doing something wrong?

Sorry for the long post, and thanks so much for taking the time to read it. I'd really appreciate any comments or thoughts. I'm just really lost and feel really pathetic!





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