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I have a question for you all, maybe mainly for the women here.

I have always been good friends with women and it seems many of the people I date have issues with it. My best friend in the town I live in is a married woman, about the same age of the girl I'm dating (26).

My ex-GF/GF (whatever you want to call her now, we are tech. not together) thinks it's strange my best friend is a married woman. She always makes smart comments about it, like "Did you call your girlfriend?" or "I know you two hooked up" in a joking sort-of-way.

If your boyfriend/girlfriend is best friends with someone of the opposite sex, is that a real problem? Would you have a problem with that?
I know your situation. When I was with my ex I used to have this male friend at work. We always said hi and chatted a bit and I was keen to get to know him better as a friend because he seemed very interesting but everytime I spoke to this other guy my ex would make comments like "speaking to your boyfriend again?" or even make snide remarks when he just saw him! I was so fed up of it I stopped talking to this other guy for about a year to please my ex.
Years later we split up and I realised there was nothing to stop me talking to this other guy again and now we're the best of friends!
I know its hard not to feel some kind of jealousy but it makes me mad to know that my ex came between such an amazing friendship and I'm sure no one wants to make someone feel like that.
[QUOTE=marie72;2992057]My feeling is that if you can't trust your boyfriend, whether they're friends with an old female friend, old girlfriend or new female friend then there are alot more problems with the relationship. I lost my best friend (male) because of the girlfriend, but there was an attraction that we never was acted upon once he established that he was committing to the girlfriend. But her mistrust in him, although I confirmed his commitment to her destroyed our friendship forever. She kept saying she didn't trust me, I said she doesn't have to trust me, she has to trust you (meaning the boyfriend)! Who wants to be in committed relationship with no trust for the rest of their life, face it's not the old friend that's the problem because there will always be new people coming into eachother life and you need trust to keep you solid to eachother.[/QUOTE]

Yeah, well, I gotta say, that's walking a rather fine line. I'm sorry you lost your dear friend, and I understand that you respected his commitment to his girlfriend, but still, you were a potential sexual rival because you were a woman who he had wanted to have sex with, and who had wanted or toyed with the idea of having sex with him as well. No matter how honorable the two of you were, if I were the girlfriend, sorry to say, but I'd want you gone too. I just wouldn't be comfortable with my man hanging around another woman he almost had sex with, or had at some time really wanted to have sex with, who wnated him too and under different circumstances he actually could have had sex with. I just don't feel it's appropriate. It sucks, I know. my ex boyfriend was the best friend I ever had, and although we didn't split up on the best of terms, his wife won't even allow him in the same room with me, even in a crown or group situation. She knows I still have feelings for him but would never in a million years act on them, but still, it's just not appropriate. The commited romantic relationship must take precedence if it is to work, and sometimes that means we have to lose friends of the opposite sex. It's just the way it goes.
I'd have to agree to disagree, as well.

I've been with my husband for 5 years, it's not a college-aged or teen-aged relationship, but there is a question purely of 'appropriate'-ness. If you know an old flame, ex girlfriend, or old female friend DOES harbor feelings (and typically you can easily see the difference), I don't feel it's respectful *to me* to have my husband (who likely knows this as well along with this 'innocent' female friend who HARBORS these feelings) spend time with this person.

It undermines a relationship to have someone who is interested in your SO spending time with them. It's not their place, and that is why you respectfully discuss this with your SO, telling them it just isn't appropriate - it's never been a concern of mine that something would happen, I just find it incredibly inconsiderate. I had plenty of male friends before my husband, and have only kept in close touch with those of them that I know do not harbor 'wants' for me. Because I would not choose to disrespect my spouse by being with someone who wants more - it's just frickin' rude. Completely unecessary, regardless of the circumstances.

That's my stance. We can all hang out together, whatever. If someone wants my husband, has wanted my husband, and wants to spend time with him one-on-one, I find it inconsiderate of MY spouse, to disrespect me by encouraging the continuation of this persons feelings by being close with them. THAT undermines the relationship. And if my husband felt his friendship with this female friend that we both know wants him regardless of whether or not she acts on it or 'intends' to act on it at any time was more important that my feeling let down at what I feel is disrespectful to our marriage - I wouldn't hesitate to point it out, and force the issue.

My marriage, in my opinion, IS a higher priority than friendships new and old. My husband is my family.

I suppose in a 'boyfriend/girlfriend' situation that is new or not moving towards marriage, it's not as vital to be as serious about it. But I hold firm that communication - including explicitly discussing what makes you feel disrespected or highly uncomfortable, is very important.

*shrug* Just the way it is for some of us :) I've never blamed a girl who slept w/ my boyfriend - it's always been his choice - but that is such a moot point and completely irrelevant for me in this topic. I never believe my husband would cheat on me, but I refuse to be placed in a situation with a woman who I know harbors feelings for him - and he knows harbors feelings for him, and a close friendship. It's inconsiderate to your partners feelings to continue in that circumstance. IMO of course! :) Probably repeated myself too many times, but I get a little ticked when people instantly assume it's a 'trust' issue. It's not a matter of physical relationships for me - it's a matter of consideration and respect in an unwise setting.

(and just as a side note, this doesn't mean I suspect ALL females my husband talks to ;) we both still have a handful of the opposite sex friends, but there has been a few fallouts on each side out of mutual agreement on possible attractions from the past, and time to let them go)





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