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Relationship Health Message Board

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Lets see i'm not sure where to start, i'm 18 years old, i'm going to be graduating in a week or so from homeschooling, i've been homeschooled since i was 16. i just got out of a relationship with my boyfriend a week ago and it is very painful but he was very jealous and accused me of things that werent happening and he had a bad anger problem kinda controlling. i dated him for a year and a half. we fought constantly and i had very bad anxiety for year now, thinking i'm gonna die, thinking i'm gonna die soon, ocd, every pain means something bad, etc. i'm much better than i was last summer and am seeing a therapist (when i can get in!).well lately i've been kinda depressed probably because of my relationship and all the things that went wrong leading up to it i really miss him he was by far my longest relationship. my school years have NOT been easy on me or my chilhood. i grew up with alot of anxiety very very young for no reason. i was also molested by my cousin when i was 9ish i think thats why i made alot of mistakes with guys when i was young and did alot of things i would cut off my pinkie toe to erase. but since i'm graduating and going to be moving on to a new part of my life, i'm really afraid, my life hasnt been the most happy i was and am a quiet person i am really scared that my whole life is going to turn out to be one big depression. i'm worried i will go to scool for the wrong thing (beauty school) and be miserable, or not go and be miserable. i'm afraid i will never have friends that will actually stick around and basically i'm just scared i will never find happiness. because what has my life up until now been like? i mean i've had my good times but it seems like i always end up in the same sad place that is waiting for me. i'm scared of dieing i keep thinking i'm gonna dies within the next year its kinda lame but its a real fear. can anyone relate to what i'm feeling? i feel like crying alot!! and i feel like i'm buring out at work i only get 1 day off a week almost if not 40hrs, i wanna ask for a couple days off next week to get myself together but i'm too sensitive to what problems i might cause people with scheduling and when i do stand up for myself everyone calls me a *****! or am i just being a baby about wanting that? i'm not really happy with alot of things about myself, i dnt want to bore anyone with the details but i dont feel like i really learned as much as kids who went to regular school for 11 and 12 grade and i feel stupid. i want to move out west and find something i love to do, i dont know what. should i pursue that? i guess i'm just lost and have been for a really long time now i just never wanted to face my past and choices.. now i cringe. how can i try and make sure the next part of my life is happy(er). i'm really sensitive to other people and what they say, and i'm pretty shy so i'd say that is one factor. and i wanna talk to my counselor about my past but i am afraid she will think i'm a bad persn and i am not i just made horible mistakes thinking thats how i would be accepted and make 'friends'. if anyone read this i'm amazed and if anyone has advice that would be great! i dont have anyone close i can cry to and i really wish i had that my best friend moved an hour away so i really have no one to get advice or comforting from.

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