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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

I don't think you're crazy, I just think you've given all your power away, though I'm not sure why.

I hear all kinds of things in your language, like "I'm trying to get rid of him (the kinda-sorta-ex-boyfriend) but he will not leave me alone." and "does he have the right to ask this of me?" etc. First of all, this is not communist Russia. If someone you want out of your life won't get out of your life, you call the copes, you file a restraining order, you move and don't leave a forwarding address, you change your number to an unlisted one. There are all kinds of ways of getting someone out of your life if you really WANT them out of your life. But that's another story.

As for this friends-with-benefits, the moment you realized you had romantic feelings for this guy, it ceased to be a FWB situation. Because that's not what FWB is. It changed for you. Does he have the right to demand fidelity from you? He has the right to demand anything from you that you're willing to give, I guess. Does it make sense? No, I don't think so. This guy is playing games with you. He knows you love him, he knows you want more than a FWB situation, but insists you're never going to get it, then sweet talks you back when you try to break it off, then insists you be faithful to him. He's making demands but no promises. That's uneven, and unfair. But he can do this, because you're letting him. You're never going to get what you want from him, and as long as you keep wasting time with him, you're never going to find the guy who will give you the things you want out of a romantic relationship. Seems like you're letting these guys make all the decisions for you, but you know, you really don't have to. You actually do have the right to say "hey ex, I'm done, move out, take your stuff with you, it's over, please don't contact me again" and you actually have the right to say "gee, FWB, I'm crazy about you, I'd love to be with you and only you, but not if you can't promise me or offer me anything more than just a casual FWB relationship. I deserve more than what I'm getting from you. You're great, but I feel frustrated, lonely, dissatisfied and played when I'm with you, so bye bye." It's up to you really. These guys have shown you what they're all about, and they will always be this way. You can either let them continue to do what they've been doing to you, or you can run your own life and make your own decisions and call your own shots in your life.

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