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Haha wow that was some thick sarcasm, not that I blame you - it's gotta be hard getting this many posts that are pointing at you.

Either way, I still think you both did a few things wrong. If someone told me I couldn't get a bag if that's what I wanted, I would feel pretty annoyed, myself. I tend to get silent (albeit ANGRILY silent, not 'pouty') when something ticks me off if it's minor, because I won't feel like talking about it when I know it's going to pretty much go away in no time anyway.

Still, her tantrum was way out of left field. If nothing else, talk to her about THAT. Cause that is scary, and even if the tension was building all day, and she thought this was leading towards breaking up - well, she should've kept the freak out to herself. I've had some horrible weeping sessions where I just want to throw things - but I wait until I'm *alone*. Yikes!

On a side note, I saw my mother only cry once while growing up - however, I know she did so far more often. She kept it between herself and my stepdad, however. She wanted to be strong for us, and is typically a very cheerful person to begin with. So I can relate to that. I see her cry more now that we're adults - for varied reasons, though still not often. But I'm very close to her and know she's a very sensitive person. Granted, I also never once heard my stepfather raise his voice (or her to him) in disagreement, nor any heated arguments (they kept that between them too - I have some high expectations for respect in my relationships as a result!).

Anyway, likely doesn't mean as others may have guessed that your mother is stoic or super insensitive - she might just have kept it from her kids to keep up the strong-mom persona. I know mine did! :)
[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3006675]You're right, that's why I took the jar back and carried it myself along with all the other things I was holding. My rule of not wasting a plastic bag just to carry a little jar for a couple minutes was deemed too strict and tyrannical. I didn't deny her the right to get a plastic bag, I just decided that it was better to do without her help. .[/QUOTE]

This is the hard part about getting adivce over the internet. None of us was there, we did not see the interaction and who got snarky first, who used wht tone, etc. But from your initial telling of the story, you asked her to carry the bottle, she had no problem with it until you INSISTED she carry it by hand rather than in a bag. i can only assume your tone even at that point was rather rude or at least short but I don't know, I wasn't there. She pouted, again, an immature response, no one here is letting her off the hook, but then you further escalated by snapping bag "oh, fine, I'll carry it myself!!" and, again I'm assuming, snatching it away from her in a short, demeaning manner. It usually takes two to escalate a situation or a disagreement to such a degree. Again, not letting her off the hook, not hammering you down, either, just suggesting you just take an objective look at your contribution to the situation.


[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3006675]I'm clearly a cold, unfeeling person to have taken my girlfriend to lunch, paid for the meal as I always do ... and then how heartless of me to get mildly annoyed that she wouldn't even carry a little jar of sauce without kicking up a fuss! (the sauce was to be used to make dinner, which she would share in the benefit of consuming). But my biggest sin was to grow annoyed after a day of silent-treatment and pouting. I should have given an outpouring of sympathy and apologized for being a stone-hearted lout. .[/QUOTE]


This sort of suggests to me that you think you did absolutely nothing wrong. And even just in writing, I sense a definite attitude, which I surely would not want to be on the receiving end of in person. But maybe you're right, again, I don't know for sure, I wasn't there, but if you think you did absolutely nothing at all wrong, then why are you with someone so difficult to get along with? But to add, as a woman, I can tell you that buying meals and making meals are all well and good, but it DOESN'T make up for treating somene with disrespect. It doesn't matter how much money you spend or how many meals you cook for her, if you then turn around and treat her with respect or chastise her and speak to her like she's a five year old, then all the money you spent and all that is kind of moot. Above anything else, a woman wants to feel loved, respected, cherished, admired and valued by her SO. Without that, you got nothing. Everything else is gravy.

[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3006675]But I can't help how I am! .[/QUOTE]

Well, actually I think you could if you really wanted to. Just out of curiousity, is this your first very serious relationship? I dont' recall you saying how old the both of you are, is she much younger than you? Is this the first time a woman has had a bad, negative or weepy reaction to the way you have spoken to or treated her?


[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3006675] According to someone's amazingly accurate conjecture, my mother had no empathy and my father was aggressive and abusive ...so now I think it's normal for men to treat women in such manner (and for women to accept it without protest). And so the cycle of abuse continues. If my girlfriend continues to be difficult, I will try to have her medicated and stabilized.[/QUOTE]


Well, that was me, and I can't tell if you were being serious or sarcastic here, if you were serious, I'm sorry you went through that. I actually don't think I said I was sure you actually went through that. I just said my ex had, and he exhibited bahaviors similar to the one you yourself described of yourself, and I knew why my ex acted the way he did. I was just speculating as to why you may have acted the same way.

If your girlfriendcontinues to be difficult, you can SUGGEST she see a doctor and get a diagnosis. If a trained professional determines she has bi polar disorder, anxiety, or some other kind of personality disorder and suggests medication, she can decide whether to take it or not, and you can decide if you want to stay with her if she chooses not to. But to hold a gun to her head and say "get to a doctor and take medication or I'm leaving you!" is rather unfair, and yes, sorry to say, rather controlling. You're her boyfriend not her dad. you don't have the right to insist or make that decision for her to get on medication. You can let her know you're worried about her, concerned for her health and well being, and concerned about the fight and that you don't want to go through that again, especially what happened in the car, that was very dangerous for both of you, and that you feel perhaps she may need some help in getting her emotions under better control, but then she has the right to choose not to. The only thing you have the right to decide is whether or not to stay with her and keep the relationship as she/it is.
Wow. Almost 50 responses over a jar of sauce -- not to mention the initial pouting, silent treatment, pulling of the hair, suicidal threats -- am I missing anything?

I'm not trying to make light of your situation, OP; I'm really not. But if you're in an otherwise healthy relationship, a snipity convo after a meal should NOT result in something like this, i.e., what I mentioned above, you turning to the internet over this, 50 responses from said internet. That right there must tell you something, you know? If this is what happens over a jar of sauce after a meal -- and I agree we ALL have our off days -- can you imagine when you have something major serious hit your relationship?

I'm also curious how you're doing and how things went after all of this with the GF.

I can't help but notice how delicate society has become after reading these responses. I have great respect for everyone who's posted -- I always look forward to and enjoy reading their posts on a number of topics -- but, geezalou. Is it really wrong to tell someone what to do anymore? I mean, yes, there is a line that can be crossed when it happens too much or if it's done in a nasty way, but DH sucks at cleaning the house. I love him more than life, and I can say this. I have to tell him what to do, or I'll have to do it over. Sad, but true. Even yesterday, he starts by cleaning all the floors. I have to tell him, "No, sweetie. Top to bottom, unless you want to clean the floors again. Start with the pictures, windows, move down to couches & tables, then end with the floors."

And I expect the same from him when I help him with the yard and garage, "Tell me what to do." And if using certain tones will help get his point across, by golly, do it.

DH & I have had so many similar instances after dinners out at restaurants. We're full, we're ready to go and get out of the place. If we're all going to assume OP forcefully made the choice for her about the bag because of the way he saw his mother and father interact, how about this assumption: He saw a quicker, easier, simpler remedy for the situation and voiced it? The GF, for whatever reason -- unstable, brat, hormonal, immature, needy, "sensitive," wearing a white dress -- took it the wrong way?

There are some folks in this world who interpret everything as a "conflict." The GF might be one of them.





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