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Relationship Health Message Board


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Yes, the pasta sauce thing was petty. The whole sulky attitude after the fact was very immature. Does she often react this way when you ask her to do something for you? Has she had melt downs like this for any other reason in the past?

I completely understand why you were annoyed. Logically you would think there is some underlying reason for her to act like that, but sometimes there isn't.

If this is a first I urge you to talk to her and see if there is something else going on. It could be that she is uneasy talking about something very sensitive and handled it badly. Or it could have been hormonal. An isolated incident wouldn't have me too worried (uless of course it started happening again over something so petty).

If this is something that happens all the time then I would definately question her stability. Is this the first time she said she "doesn't want to live" during an argument (very manipulative move by the way)? This could be her way of getting what she wants. Pouting like a child and making you feel sorry for her. Personally I wouldn't be able to put up with it either. I expect a certain level of maturity in relationships and it seems you do to. If this is a pattern then I think it would be best for you to find yourself a better match and let her find a man she can pout to.
You women..... lol we must be on totally different wave length. If my boyfriend needed a hand carrying stuff he would NEVER have to ask me nor would I NEVER throw a fit because I didn't get a plastic bag because apparently I am so uncapable of holding one item in my hands for maybe 15 feet. The lagging behind and dragging her feet and pouting is pure immature whining. He had EVERY right to give her a little attitude, I AM POSITIVE should would have no problem giving him attitude if the roles were switched. She definitely was throwing a tantrum in the car and that is dangerous to the both of them and on coming traffic. Could you imagine how awful it would have been if they got into a car accident??? I would have pulled the car over and said if you're going to act like a 5 year old maybe you need to call yourself a cab. I understand that sometimes when rubbed the wrong way it is easy to cry. I do cry sometimes when I am in pain and in public, but if it's a problem I go wait in the car lol.
Have you talked to her about this situation and what her takes was on her fit??
Who in their right mind would act like that???
[QUOTE=TANKG!RL;3006306]You women..... lol we must be on totally different wave length. If my boyfriend needed a hand carrying stuff he would NEVER have to ask me nor would I NEVER throw a fit because I didn't get a plastic bag because apparently I am so uncapable of holding one item in my hands for maybe 15 feet. The lagging behind and dragging her feet and pouting is pure immature whining. He had EVERY right to give her a little attitude, I AM POSITIVE should would have no problem giving him attitude if the roles were switched. She definitely was throwing a tantrum in the car and that is dangerous to the both of them and on coming traffic. Could you imagine how awful it would have been if they got into a car accident??? I would have pulled the car over and said if you're going to act like a 5 year old maybe you need to call yourself a cab. I understand that sometimes when rubbed the wrong way it is easy to cry. I do cry sometimes when I am in pain and in public, but if it's a problem I go wait in the car lol.
Have you talked to her about this situation and what her takes was on her fit??
Who in their right mind would act like that???[/QUOTE]


There you go. The OP needs to be with a girl more like you, and his girlfriend, after she grows up and gets her head on a bit straighter, needs to be with a man who doesn't freak out at tears and doesn't mind a sensitive woman.
[QUOTE=soulster;3006283]honestly, if you had such an issue about plastic bags then you really should have toughed it out and carried the jar yourself... if you are going to have someone else carry your stuff then your rules and regulations do not apply to them and they are free to do what they deem fit inorder to carry out the task at hand... so your girlfriend had every right to get herself a plastic bag to carry the stuff in since she was the one who was going to be carrying it![/QUOTE]

You're right, that's why I took the jar back and carried it myself along with all the other things I was holding. My rule of not wasting a plastic bag just to carry a little jar for a couple minutes was deemed too strict and tyrannical. I didn't deny her the right to get a plastic bag, I just decided that it was better to do without her help.

I'm clearly a cold, unfeeling person to have taken my girlfriend to lunch, paid for the meal as I always do ... and then how heartless of me to get mildly annoyed that she wouldn't even carry a little jar of sauce without kicking up a fuss! (the sauce was to be used to make dinner, which she would share in the benefit of consuming). But my biggest sin was to grow annoyed after a day of silent-treatment and pouting. I should have given an outpouring of sympathy and apologized for being a stone-hearted lout.

But I can't help how I am! According to someone's amazingly accurate conjecture, my mother had no empathy and my father was aggressive and abusive ...so now I think it's normal for men to treat women in such manner (and for women to accept it without protest). And so the cycle of abuse continues. If my girlfriend continues to be difficult, I will try to have her medicated and stabilized.
[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3006675]You're right, that's why I took the jar back and carried it myself along with all the other things I was holding. My rule of not wasting a plastic bag just to carry a little jar for a couple minutes was deemed too strict and tyrannical. I didn't deny her the right to get a plastic bag, I just decided that it was better to do without her help.

I'm clearly a cold, unfeeling person to have taken my girlfriend to lunch, paid for the meal as I always do ... and then how heartless of me to get mildly annoyed that she wouldn't even carry a little jar of sauce without kicking up a fuss! (the sauce was to be used to make dinner, which she would share in the benefit of consuming). But my biggest sin was to grow annoyed after a day of silent-treatment and pouting. I should have given an outpouring of sympathy and apologized for being a stone-hearted lout.

But I can't help how I am! According to someone's amazingly accurate conjecture, my mother had no empathy and my father was aggressive and abusive ...so now I think it's normal for men to treat women in such manner (and for women to accept it without protest). And so the cycle of abuse continues. If my girlfriend continues to be difficult, I will try to have her medicated and stabilized.[/QUOTE]
you know, I dont think it really is anybodys fault here, you need something different from a woman than she is offering and vice versa.... I can probably venture to bet you probably were a little snippy, demanding and irritated with her for wanting to get a plastic bag... if you had asked her nicely, hon.. would you mind not using a plastic bag to carry the jar? I bet she would not have pouted and sulked the way she did and she would have carried the jar gladly... you treated her like a child so she in turn began acting like one... what did you expect?
You need a woman who shares the same beliefs you do and who is not very sensitive and emotional and she needs someone who can tend to her hurt feelings and console her when she so feels. Most of the women who have posted here thought your gf might have been just feeling hurt and you might have been a bit unfeeling/ careless in your tone and attitude ... so you can either make the decision of learning from this experience and changing to accomadate such women or find a woman with whom you would not have to change your ways with. There are plenty of women out there that would suit and mesh well with your personaltiy type, I just dont think your gf is one of them.
[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3006675]You're right, that's why I took the jar back and carried it myself along with all the other things I was holding. My rule of not wasting a plastic bag just to carry a little jar for a couple minutes was deemed too strict and tyrannical. I didn't deny her the right to get a plastic bag, I just decided that it was better to do without her help. .[/QUOTE]

This is the hard part about getting adivce over the internet. None of us was there, we did not see the interaction and who got snarky first, who used wht tone, etc. But from your initial telling of the story, you asked her to carry the bottle, she had no problem with it until you INSISTED she carry it by hand rather than in a bag. i can only assume your tone even at that point was rather rude or at least short but I don't know, I wasn't there. She pouted, again, an immature response, no one here is letting her off the hook, but then you further escalated by snapping bag "oh, fine, I'll carry it myself!!" and, again I'm assuming, snatching it away from her in a short, demeaning manner. It usually takes two to escalate a situation or a disagreement to such a degree. Again, not letting her off the hook, not hammering you down, either, just suggesting you just take an objective look at your contribution to the situation.


[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3006675]I'm clearly a cold, unfeeling person to have taken my girlfriend to lunch, paid for the meal as I always do ... and then how heartless of me to get mildly annoyed that she wouldn't even carry a little jar of sauce without kicking up a fuss! (the sauce was to be used to make dinner, which she would share in the benefit of consuming). But my biggest sin was to grow annoyed after a day of silent-treatment and pouting. I should have given an outpouring of sympathy and apologized for being a stone-hearted lout. .[/QUOTE]


This sort of suggests to me that you think you did absolutely nothing wrong. And even just in writing, I sense a definite attitude, which I surely would not want to be on the receiving end of in person. But maybe you're right, again, I don't know for sure, I wasn't there, but if you think you did absolutely nothing at all wrong, then why are you with someone so difficult to get along with? But to add, as a woman, I can tell you that buying meals and making meals are all well and good, but it DOESN'T make up for treating somene with disrespect. It doesn't matter how much money you spend or how many meals you cook for her, if you then turn around and treat her with respect or chastise her and speak to her like she's a five year old, then all the money you spent and all that is kind of moot. Above anything else, a woman wants to feel loved, respected, cherished, admired and valued by her SO. Without that, you got nothing. Everything else is gravy.

[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3006675]But I can't help how I am! .[/QUOTE]

Well, actually I think you could if you really wanted to. Just out of curiousity, is this your first very serious relationship? I dont' recall you saying how old the both of you are, is she much younger than you? Is this the first time a woman has had a bad, negative or weepy reaction to the way you have spoken to or treated her?


[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3006675] According to someone's amazingly accurate conjecture, my mother had no empathy and my father was aggressive and abusive ...so now I think it's normal for men to treat women in such manner (and for women to accept it without protest). And so the cycle of abuse continues. If my girlfriend continues to be difficult, I will try to have her medicated and stabilized.[/QUOTE]


Well, that was me, and I can't tell if you were being serious or sarcastic here, if you were serious, I'm sorry you went through that. I actually don't think I said I was sure you actually went through that. I just said my ex had, and he exhibited bahaviors similar to the one you yourself described of yourself, and I knew why my ex acted the way he did. I was just speculating as to why you may have acted the same way.

If your girlfriendcontinues to be difficult, you can SUGGEST she see a doctor and get a diagnosis. If a trained professional determines she has bi polar disorder, anxiety, or some other kind of personality disorder and suggests medication, she can decide whether to take it or not, and you can decide if you want to stay with her if she chooses not to. But to hold a gun to her head and say "get to a doctor and take medication or I'm leaving you!" is rather unfair, and yes, sorry to say, rather controlling. You're her boyfriend not her dad. you don't have the right to insist or make that decision for her to get on medication. You can let her know you're worried about her, concerned for her health and well being, and concerned about the fight and that you don't want to go through that again, especially what happened in the car, that was very dangerous for both of you, and that you feel perhaps she may need some help in getting her emotions under better control, but then she has the right to choose not to. The only thing you have the right to decide is whether or not to stay with her and keep the relationship as she/it is.
Wow. Almost 50 responses over a jar of sauce -- not to mention the initial pouting, silent treatment, pulling of the hair, suicidal threats -- am I missing anything?

I'm not trying to make light of your situation, OP; I'm really not. But if you're in an otherwise healthy relationship, a snipity convo after a meal should NOT result in something like this, i.e., what I mentioned above, you turning to the internet over this, 50 responses from said internet. That right there must tell you something, you know? If this is what happens over a jar of sauce after a meal -- and I agree we ALL have our off days -- can you imagine when you have something major serious hit your relationship?

I'm also curious how you're doing and how things went after all of this with the GF.

I can't help but notice how delicate society has become after reading these responses. I have great respect for everyone who's posted -- I always look forward to and enjoy reading their posts on a number of topics -- but, geezalou. Is it really wrong to tell someone what to do anymore? I mean, yes, there is a line that can be crossed when it happens too much or if it's done in a nasty way, but DH sucks at cleaning the house. I love him more than life, and I can say this. I have to tell him what to do, or I'll have to do it over. Sad, but true. Even yesterday, he starts by cleaning all the floors. I have to tell him, "No, sweetie. Top to bottom, unless you want to clean the floors again. Start with the pictures, windows, move down to couches & tables, then end with the floors."

And I expect the same from him when I help him with the yard and garage, "Tell me what to do." And if using certain tones will help get his point across, by golly, do it.

DH & I have had so many similar instances after dinners out at restaurants. We're full, we're ready to go and get out of the place. If we're all going to assume OP forcefully made the choice for her about the bag because of the way he saw his mother and father interact, how about this assumption: He saw a quicker, easier, simpler remedy for the situation and voiced it? The GF, for whatever reason -- unstable, brat, hormonal, immature, needy, "sensitive," wearing a white dress -- took it the wrong way?

There are some folks in this world who interpret everything as a "conflict." The GF might be one of them.
[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3011770]Well ...I don't deny that the initial dispute over how to transport the jar of sauce was petty. I feel strongly about issues like recycling, not wasting plastic bags, not wasting electricity, etc. I don't see it as a matter of my preferences versus someone else's preferences, but as a matter of civic duty and quotidian ethics. So I got irritated and grabbed the jar back from her. It was a small jar. It was tightly sealed. It was a short walk to the car and she was not wearing a white dress at the time. Maybe it was a bit rude of me, but she had also been rude and I would have preferred to forget the episode if she hadn't chosen to give me the silent treatment all day and project a sorrowful demeanor.[/QUOTE]

I feel very strongly about the whole recycling thing too. It drives me crazy that people would rather use plastic bags at the grocery store than get a paper bag that you can put more in [I]and[/I] recycle when you are done. Our society has become very wasteful. I'm not going to dispute whether or not your snatching it back was justified or not. Litte things like this do happen in the heat of the moment sometimes and it is very unfair that you are taking all the blows and she is getting all this sympathy (not to mention if the situation were reversed and the woman did what you did we would [I]all[/I] be calling this man unstable). Her pouting and acting like a spoiled brat was absolutely ridiculous! Most of us have stupid and petty arguments with our SOs, but most of us do not explode into this suicidal monster over these petty things even on our worst PMS days. I'm sorry, but unstable doesn't even begin to describe her.

[QUOTE=nkfrisk]Then she started crying again and I kept asking what was wrong. Was she mad at me? Did something happen? Was she feeling ill? Finally, she just said that she felt empty. She got agitated and then muttered "i'm going to die". To be honest, I was feeling really irritated and started thinking that it's unbearable being with someone who goes into these morose, catatonic states. But I tried to be comforting and convinced her to go home and sleep. I can't tell if she is genuinely depressed, or just being incredibly immature. I've gone through depression and it was persistent and unrelenting. The few times I've seen her become this way, it's been after a petty argument between us. At other times she seems quite cheerful. The more she behaves this way, the more I'm turned off. But how do you break up with someone who is really depressed, if in fact she is depressed? She really has no other friends and her parents live overseas. Not long ago I was thinking that she might be the one. Now I'm wondering how I got into this mess.[/QUOTE]

So you even took some advice and tried to be sympathetic and where did it get you? Nowhere because she has some issues! Maybe she is depressed, who knows. It is not your responsibility to be there at her beck and call. I would be pretty annoyed to if I told someone that I had work to do and I was going to the gym later only to have them call every hour and expect me to stop what I was doing to do what they wanted. It's pathetic. You can't be her everything and it unfair for her to expect you to be. She needs to find what makes her happy and not expect you to do it for her.

You thought she was the one because she was on her good behavior. Now she has let her guard down and shown you who she is, a whiny brat. I think you should find yourself a stronger woman and let her find herself a man who will be at her beck and call or some therapy.





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