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I seem to get into these arguments with my girlfriend over ridiculous things. We were having a nice lunch at a restaurant and I bought a jar of home-made pasta sauce on the way out. I was holding my computer bag, gym stuff and an umbrella so I asked if she could hold the jar for me, since she only had her handbag. She wanted to go back in the restaurant for a plastic bag, but I said we didn't need the bag just for 1 jar. She kept complaining and started lagging behind me in proteest as we walked a couple blocks. I got irritated, snatched the jar back and said that I'd hold everything myself since it was too much to ask of her. For the rest of the day, she had a sulking, antisocial attitude towards me.

I was driving her home at night and said sarcastically that I really enjoyed the silent treatment all day. She said that my tone towards her was rude and I replied that her behavior was much ruder than my tone. She started crying, which she often does. I said that she should discuss what's on her mind instead of behaving this way. But she cried even harder (i would call it weeping) and I grew more irritated. I told her it was indecent to cry over a petty argument, as if some close relative had died. I don't know if crying is a tactic to seek comfort, but it just seems to spawn the opposite reaction in me. She was just so morose that finally I told her if she really thinks I treat her so poorly that she has to react this way, we should just end it now for her own sake. I don't want to be with someone who appears so unhappy with me.

Next, she went completely hysterical. She was sobbing and I was very irritated and tried to ignore her. But then she started screaming, pulling her hair and pounding her head and said that she didn't want to live. I screamed back that I was driving and that she was going to cause an accident. Finally, I had to pull over to restrain her. She seemed to have completely lost it and was sobbing uncontrollably. I've never seen someone break down like that. We just sat there for half an hour until she was calmer. Then she became very tender, held my arm and said that she loved me. Eventually, I took her home, told her to get some rest and said we'd talk tomorrow.

We've been together for a year, but now I'm starting to think that our personalities are mismatched. I just find sulking and gratuitous crying so unattractive in a woman and would like to be with someone who handles things more maturely. But now I really have to worrry about her emotional stability, given what happened last night. What should I do now?
Wow, that's very immature reaction from her. All this over a jar of sauce, I'd hate to see what she'd be like if it was something actually serious. She definitely needs some medical help. Has she ever done anything like this in the past year? Is there possibly anything going on in her family that could have brought this out? How Old is she?
Yes, the pasta sauce thing was petty. The whole sulky attitude after the fact was very immature. Does she often react this way when you ask her to do something for you? Has she had melt downs like this for any other reason in the past?

I completely understand why you were annoyed. Logically you would think there is some underlying reason for her to act like that, but sometimes there isn't.

If this is a first I urge you to talk to her and see if there is something else going on. It could be that she is uneasy talking about something very sensitive and handled it badly. Or it could have been hormonal. An isolated incident wouldn't have me too worried (uless of course it started happening again over something so petty).

If this is something that happens all the time then I would definately question her stability. Is this the first time she said she "doesn't want to live" during an argument (very manipulative move by the way)? This could be her way of getting what she wants. Pouting like a child and making you feel sorry for her. Personally I wouldn't be able to put up with it either. I expect a certain level of maturity in relationships and it seems you do to. If this is a pattern then I think it would be best for you to find yourself a better match and let her find a man she can pout to.
I agree if you cannot handle a woman crying, you definately dont want to marry a woman who is very sensitive... did you ever think that she may have been crying because you hurt her feelings??? Why do you think it is emotional blackmail? Anyhow, marry a woman like your mother if that is what you feel comfortable with.... although I am pretty sure you might have a tough time finding one that is similar because most women are criers. My husband also gets PO when I cry and thinks that I do it to make him look like the bad guy... so I have just learned not to cry infront of him.... women who cry just really want consoling from their partner, not because they are secretly trying to make thier partner look like the bad guy or emotinally blackmailing them. You seem EXTREMELY insensitive... honestly, if you had such an issue about plastic bags then you really should have toughed it out and carried the jar yourself... if you are going to have someone else carry your stuff then your rules and regulations do not apply to them and they are free to do what they deem fit inorder to carry out the task at hand... so your girlfriend had every right to get herself a plastic bag to carry the stuff in since she was the one who was going to be carrying it!
[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3006085]I always refuse plastic bags when I can, because they're not biodegradable. I can't imagine why someone with both hands free would need a plastic bag to hold a small jar, to walk a couple blocks to the car. When she had such an attitude about it, it just pissed me off so i grabbed it from her so that she could walk unfettered. .[/QUOTE]


If I may say, you have the right to feel any way you want to about plastic bags, but you really dont' have the right to insist that others do what you would do. I would say that if I were in your girlfriend's position, I would ask for a bag as well because they have handles and carrying a round slick glass bottle that can break and make a huge mess if dropped would be incredibly awkward. It wasn't unreasonable for her to want a bag to carry it in. I do feel it was, however, a bit unreasonable for you to refuse to "allow" her to have one. She was a bit immature in the way she handled it, though. I wouldn't have lagged behind and pouted. I would have simply told you if you insisted that it be carried alone instead of in a bag with handles, then you could be the one to carry it, and I would have went on my merry way.

[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3006085] For someone to weep just because they don't appreciate my tone ...it's either indecent, or it's emotional blackmail.

[/QUOTE]


I am, or can be, a rather emotionally driven person, depending on how tired I am, I tend to be a bit more weepy when I'm exhausted and sleep deprived, and depending on what else is going on in my life. I didn't cry very much with my ex boyfriend, until the relationship started going south. It was from frustration and loving him and not wanting the relationship to end, but not being able to work things out. In any case, I can assure you it was neither indecent nor emotional blackmail. I only got weepy in public once, when my back was absolutely killing me, had been all weekend, and I told him this more than once, but when we got back from church and his roommate had blocked his car in, and he wanted to go do his grocery shopping i drove him and went in with him. My back was still killing me, so I was leaning on the shopping cart and sort of dragging my feet because I couldn't stand up straight and move my legs without pain, and he got annoyed and snapped at me "would you quit scraping your feet, it's annoying me!!" I teared up there in the store aisle, not to emotionally black mail him, but because what he said to me was incredibly disrespectful and rude and insensitive. Crying as a means to emotional blackmail is when you really don't feel hurt or sad, but you are trying to manipulate the other person into apologizing, or bending to your will in some way. This was not why I teared up in the grocery store, by any means. I teared up because I was tired and in physical pain, and what he said was rude, cruel, insensitive and disrespectful and it felt like someone had kicked me in the chest. I got a pain in my chest and upper stomach area, my face flushed out of humiliation and anger, and the tears just came, it was a purely biological response, not manipulation in any way. But he took much the same attitude you have, but he really didn't have the right to. He was rude, even a bit cruel, given the fact that I couldn have, and actually should have, left his butt at the grocery store and let him find his own way home. I did him a favor by driving him and I didn't want to just sit there in the car being bored while he shopped, and there was no good reason for him to be so mean.

I suspect that perhaps some of your attitudes came from the way you were raised. You mentioned that your mother got in a huge argument with your father while she was recovering from cancer treatment. My ex boyfriend had a raging abuvise alcoholic for a father, and his mother endured a great deal of long suffering, but probably bore it all with nary a tear. I think men who can't deal with tears probably had cold, mean, verbally abusive fathers who treated their mothers in much the same way, and their mothers took it without crying, so they figure every woman should take rude, short, borderline abusive treatment without crying at all. But not every woman is build the same way. Some women would cry at what you said, some women would have just left you and never looked back, and I reckon some women would have cracked the bottle over your head. And perhaps some women would have just let it roll off their back like water to a duck. I think you need to find such a woman. You obviously have no patience for a woman who is sensitive and needs to be treated with a respectful, patient tone, and whose feelings are rather easily wounded. I do think your gf threw what definitely would qualify as a tantrum, and her behavior in the car was inappropriate, but "indecent" for being hurt at your insisting she carry the bottle the way YOU wanted her to instead of how she needed to? Mmmmm, that's kind of a stretch. You actually do kind of sound like my ex. Speaking to his woman in a rash, rude, sharp, disrespectful tone and just expecting her to take it without complaint or reaction. I'm guessing based on what you've told us, but I'm not sure that's such a realistic expectation. I do think you and your gf are ill suited for each other, but I also think that this can be a learning experience for you, that you simply cannot speak to people, any people, gf or no, any old way you please. Speaking to or dealing with someone in a rude, controlling, demeaning or disrespectful tone or manner will never garner positive results.
[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3006085]I always refuse plastic bags when I can, because they're not biodegradable. I can't imagine why someone with both hands free would need a plastic bag to hold a small jar, to walk a couple blocks to the car. When she had such an attitude about it, it just pissed me off so i grabbed it from her so that she could walk unfettered.

For someone to weep just because they don't appreciate my tone ...it's either indecent, or it's emotional blackmail.[/QUOTE]

Thats the thing - YOU always refuse to use plastic bags! Your girlfriend is NOT you and is allowed to have her own thoughts, choices and opinions. I personally wouldn't feel happy about holding a jar with homemade sauce in it without a bag around it, not because I'm as woose, but if it was leak over my new white dress, well as you know tomato sauce stains.

I don't think your girlfreind had any problem with helping you out, it was your attitude and treating her like a child that upset her.

I feel that she is probably a girl who doesn't fight back, and bites her lip. When you reacted by snatching the jar with agression, I think that is when her built up emotion came out in the way it did.

Crying as she did, is caused by being very hurt, not manipulation.

You have obvioulsy been brought up by a mother who lacks empathy, and perhaps a controlling mother with that.

You don't respect your girlfreind, so perhaps find someone who can stand up to you.
Nkfrisk, we women come in all types, just as you guys do. You've asked a really broad, open-ended question based on one single incident. You are getting -- and have gotten -- responses from all over the spectrum.

Based on this one narrow incident, the way you've described your side of it, yes, she sounds very unstable to me. I'm not going to wonder about what color dress she might have been wearing or what her feelings are on the environment.

You, however, need to wonder and think about those things, tho. Is she a "sensitive" person? I hate to use that term, because I like to think of myself as a very sensitive person, but I've never been one to cry -- unless we're talking about a death or quitting smoking. Anyway, is she one you feel you need to walk around on eggshells with -- outside of this incident, that is; one that needs constant affirmations from you? If so, you may want to let her go to find someone more in tune with her and find yourself a more confident woman, a woman who'd be more apt to dish out an equivilent "tone" to you and is just more compatible with you.

I mean, it's just really hard to isolate one incident and give an opinion. Look what you've been getting so far, you know? Lots of hypotheses, IMO, and "what if's."

If she's generally a tough chick, one who doesn't become overly emotional easily, then maybe you should give her a second chance and talk to her about what's bothering her. I'm saying if this one incident has you really scratching your head, going, "WTH? This isn't my girlfriend at all." Maybe something is bothering her she's been hesitant to tell you about (us tough chicks do that, since we never need anyone's help and can conquer all on our own ;))

Best of luck to you.
This has been one of the more interesting threads. I don't have terribly strong feelings either way but I think this is a combination of the two of them. The OP reminds me of my brother-rational and very black and white, but by no means an emotional robot. The girlfriend seems sensitive and a bit immature. Sadly I can relate to her over the top behavior, as I may have pulled something like that ten years ago or so-but NOT NOW! I'm 30 btw.

I hope you don't mind OP-I did a search on some of your old posts. I know, sometimes it squicks me out a bit when someone does that to me, but it gives you a good idea of what the OP is like. I see someone who really cares about his GF, but has a very different personality. I know guys who get annoyed at crying. I can see how you would view it as unnecessary, but some People can't really help it. Is this the girl who left her marriage while dating you? It may be that she feels like she gave up alot and went through alot and is afraid that if you are mad and leave, she did all of it for nothing. You also mentioned that you have left girls in the past for kind of petty reasons. I think you are at a crossroads right now. You are frustrated and kind of put off by your girlfriend's irrational behavior and are tired of the recent conflicts in your relationship. You are tempted to end it because it's all a bit much and you don't want to have constant drama.

Is she younger than you? I have a friend who split with his wife because she was 5 years younger and he could not relate to her behavior, at all. I think I feel for both of you. You are frustrated and now you worry that if you break up she will freak out so badly she might do something stupid. She is feeling your irriatation and probably feels like you have been emotionally cold and distant and her freak-outs are to get some sort of SOMETHING out of you-to see if you care. So here it is. I typed all of this and cant even give you a solution!:rolleyes:

I guess you need to ask yourself: is this an isolated incident or have you seen this coming for a while? If the relationship isn't working, then it isn't. If you don't have the feelings for her anymore then you know what to do. Maybe she needs a guy who is more emotional, maybe you need a girl who can tone it down a notch. Do keep us posted. I'm interested to see how things progress.
[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3004080]I seem to get into these arguments with my girlfriend over ridiculous things. We were having a nice lunch at a restaurant and I bought a jar of home-made pasta sauce on the way out. I was holding my computer bag, gym stuff and an umbrella so I asked if she could hold the jar for me, since she only had her handbag. She wanted to go back in the restaurant for a plastic bag, but I said we didn't need the bag just for 1 jar. She kept complaining and started lagging behind me in proteest as we walked a couple blocks. I got irritated, snatched the jar back and said that I'd hold everything myself since it was too much to ask of her. For the rest of the day, she had a sulking, antisocial attitude towards me.

I was driving her home at night and said sarcastically that I really enjoyed the silent treatment all day. She said that my tone towards her was rude and I replied that her behavior was much ruder than my tone. She started crying, which she often does. I said that she should discuss what's on her mind instead of behaving this way. But she cried even harder (i would call it weeping) and I grew more irritated. I told her it was indecent to cry over a petty argument, as if some close relative had died. I don't know if crying is a tactic to seek comfort, but it just seems to spawn the opposite reaction in me. She was just so morose that finally I told her if she really thinks I treat her so poorly that she has to react this way, we should just end it now for her own sake. I don't want to be with someone who appears so unhappy with me.

Next, she went completely hysterical. She was sobbing and I was very irritated and tried to ignore her. But then she started screaming, pulling her hair and pounding her head and said that she didn't want to live. I screamed back that I was driving and that she was going to cause an accident. Finally, I had to pull over to restrain her. She seemed to have completely lost it and was sobbing uncontrollably. I've never seen someone break down like that. We just sat there for half an hour until she was calmer. Then she became very tender, held my arm and said that she loved me. Eventually, I took her home, told her to get some rest and said we'd talk tomorrow.

We've been together for a year, but now I'm starting to think that our personalities are mismatched. I just find sulking and gratuitous crying so unattractive in a woman and would like to be with someone who handles things more maturely. But now I really have to worrry about her emotional stability, given what happened last night. What should I do now?[/QUOTE]

I agree with you.I think your personalities are mismatched also.Now comes the hard part.How do you breakup with someone that is suicidal?:eek:
[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3006675]You're right, that's why I took the jar back and carried it myself along with all the other things I was holding. My rule of not wasting a plastic bag just to carry a little jar for a couple minutes was deemed too strict and tyrannical. I didn't deny her the right to get a plastic bag, I just decided that it was better to do without her help.

I'm clearly a cold, unfeeling person to have taken my girlfriend to lunch, paid for the meal as I always do ... and then how heartless of me to get mildly annoyed that she wouldn't even carry a little jar of sauce without kicking up a fuss! (the sauce was to be used to make dinner, which she would share in the benefit of consuming). But my biggest sin was to grow annoyed after a day of silent-treatment and pouting. I should have given an outpouring of sympathy and apologized for being a stone-hearted lout.

But I can't help how I am! According to someone's amazingly accurate conjecture, my mother had no empathy and my father was aggressive and abusive ...so now I think it's normal for men to treat women in such manner (and for women to accept it without protest). And so the cycle of abuse continues. If my girlfriend continues to be difficult, I will try to have her medicated and stabilized.[/QUOTE]
you know, I dont think it really is anybodys fault here, you need something different from a woman than she is offering and vice versa.... I can probably venture to bet you probably were a little snippy, demanding and irritated with her for wanting to get a plastic bag... if you had asked her nicely, hon.. would you mind not using a plastic bag to carry the jar? I bet she would not have pouted and sulked the way she did and she would have carried the jar gladly... you treated her like a child so she in turn began acting like one... what did you expect?
You need a woman who shares the same beliefs you do and who is not very sensitive and emotional and she needs someone who can tend to her hurt feelings and console her when she so feels. Most of the women who have posted here thought your gf might have been just feeling hurt and you might have been a bit unfeeling/ careless in your tone and attitude ... so you can either make the decision of learning from this experience and changing to accomadate such women or find a woman with whom you would not have to change your ways with. There are plenty of women out there that would suit and mesh well with your personaltiy type, I just dont think your gf is one of them.
Haha wow that was some thick sarcasm, not that I blame you - it's gotta be hard getting this many posts that are pointing at you.

Either way, I still think you both did a few things wrong. If someone told me I couldn't get a bag if that's what I wanted, I would feel pretty annoyed, myself. I tend to get silent (albeit ANGRILY silent, not 'pouty') when something ticks me off if it's minor, because I won't feel like talking about it when I know it's going to pretty much go away in no time anyway.

Still, her tantrum was way out of left field. If nothing else, talk to her about THAT. Cause that is scary, and even if the tension was building all day, and she thought this was leading towards breaking up - well, she should've kept the freak out to herself. I've had some horrible weeping sessions where I just want to throw things - but I wait until I'm *alone*. Yikes!

On a side note, I saw my mother only cry once while growing up - however, I know she did so far more often. She kept it between herself and my stepdad, however. She wanted to be strong for us, and is typically a very cheerful person to begin with. So I can relate to that. I see her cry more now that we're adults - for varied reasons, though still not often. But I'm very close to her and know she's a very sensitive person. Granted, I also never once heard my stepfather raise his voice (or her to him) in disagreement, nor any heated arguments (they kept that between them too - I have some high expectations for respect in my relationships as a result!).

Anyway, likely doesn't mean as others may have guessed that your mother is stoic or super insensitive - she might just have kept it from her kids to keep up the strong-mom persona. I know mine did! :)
[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3006675]You're right, that's why I took the jar back and carried it myself along with all the other things I was holding. My rule of not wasting a plastic bag just to carry a little jar for a couple minutes was deemed too strict and tyrannical. I didn't deny her the right to get a plastic bag, I just decided that it was better to do without her help. .[/QUOTE]

This is the hard part about getting adivce over the internet. None of us was there, we did not see the interaction and who got snarky first, who used wht tone, etc. But from your initial telling of the story, you asked her to carry the bottle, she had no problem with it until you INSISTED she carry it by hand rather than in a bag. i can only assume your tone even at that point was rather rude or at least short but I don't know, I wasn't there. She pouted, again, an immature response, no one here is letting her off the hook, but then you further escalated by snapping bag "oh, fine, I'll carry it myself!!" and, again I'm assuming, snatching it away from her in a short, demeaning manner. It usually takes two to escalate a situation or a disagreement to such a degree. Again, not letting her off the hook, not hammering you down, either, just suggesting you just take an objective look at your contribution to the situation.


[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3006675]I'm clearly a cold, unfeeling person to have taken my girlfriend to lunch, paid for the meal as I always do ... and then how heartless of me to get mildly annoyed that she wouldn't even carry a little jar of sauce without kicking up a fuss! (the sauce was to be used to make dinner, which she would share in the benefit of consuming). But my biggest sin was to grow annoyed after a day of silent-treatment and pouting. I should have given an outpouring of sympathy and apologized for being a stone-hearted lout. .[/QUOTE]


This sort of suggests to me that you think you did absolutely nothing wrong. And even just in writing, I sense a definite attitude, which I surely would not want to be on the receiving end of in person. But maybe you're right, again, I don't know for sure, I wasn't there, but if you think you did absolutely nothing at all wrong, then why are you with someone so difficult to get along with? But to add, as a woman, I can tell you that buying meals and making meals are all well and good, but it DOESN'T make up for treating somene with disrespect. It doesn't matter how much money you spend or how many meals you cook for her, if you then turn around and treat her with respect or chastise her and speak to her like she's a five year old, then all the money you spent and all that is kind of moot. Above anything else, a woman wants to feel loved, respected, cherished, admired and valued by her SO. Without that, you got nothing. Everything else is gravy.

[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3006675]But I can't help how I am! .[/QUOTE]

Well, actually I think you could if you really wanted to. Just out of curiousity, is this your first very serious relationship? I dont' recall you saying how old the both of you are, is she much younger than you? Is this the first time a woman has had a bad, negative or weepy reaction to the way you have spoken to or treated her?


[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3006675] According to someone's amazingly accurate conjecture, my mother had no empathy and my father was aggressive and abusive ...so now I think it's normal for men to treat women in such manner (and for women to accept it without protest). And so the cycle of abuse continues. If my girlfriend continues to be difficult, I will try to have her medicated and stabilized.[/QUOTE]


Well, that was me, and I can't tell if you were being serious or sarcastic here, if you were serious, I'm sorry you went through that. I actually don't think I said I was sure you actually went through that. I just said my ex had, and he exhibited bahaviors similar to the one you yourself described of yourself, and I knew why my ex acted the way he did. I was just speculating as to why you may have acted the same way.

If your girlfriendcontinues to be difficult, you can SUGGEST she see a doctor and get a diagnosis. If a trained professional determines she has bi polar disorder, anxiety, or some other kind of personality disorder and suggests medication, she can decide whether to take it or not, and you can decide if you want to stay with her if she chooses not to. But to hold a gun to her head and say "get to a doctor and take medication or I'm leaving you!" is rather unfair, and yes, sorry to say, rather controlling. You're her boyfriend not her dad. you don't have the right to insist or make that decision for her to get on medication. You can let her know you're worried about her, concerned for her health and well being, and concerned about the fight and that you don't want to go through that again, especially what happened in the car, that was very dangerous for both of you, and that you feel perhaps she may need some help in getting her emotions under better control, but then she has the right to choose not to. The only thing you have the right to decide is whether or not to stay with her and keep the relationship as she/it is.
No, the problem started when he had his hands full upon leaving the restaurant and she was inconsiderate not offer help. Once she had the jar she continued to complain and lagged behind, obviously whining about the bag, very annoying over a stupid jar of sauce. If I was him I would have thrown the jar out, it was the problem. What will happen if the Christmas tree falls on top of him does he need to say, "Hey, Honey would you mind lifting the tree off me"LOL, not noticing that your SO needs your assistance is a problem, although minor in regards to the jar, but significant in the type of person she is. His attitude towards her in a whole other subject and her reaction scary. Whoever said it is like a father/daughter relationship I agree. She needs a softer man or the situation may become abusive for both, who knows what she is capable of doing if pushed to the edge.
Yeah, I get the feeling she wants someone who will constantly smother her with affection and constantly want to be with her just as she wants to be with that person... and she probably is not finding it in you and this realization is probably just hitting her now so hence the depressed defeated attitude .... you mentioned she gave up her marriage to be with you, maybe that is adding to her depression as you turned out not to be what she expected and now she feels she lost out not only of a marriage but of a potential boyfriend. It really doesnt seem as though you two are compatible, you seem very pragmatic, responsible and everything by the book sort of type where as she seems needy, affectionate and extremely sensitive. You dont fit into what she needs and vice versa. I think it is best to break it off right now. I find it odd that she doesnt have any friends or family? how old are you two if I may ask?
[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3011770]Well ...I don't deny that the initial dispute over how to transport the jar of sauce was petty. I feel strongly about issues like recycling, not wasting plastic bags, not wasting electricity, etc. I don't see it as a matter of my preferences versus someone else's preferences, but as a matter of civic duty and quotidian ethics. So I got irritated and grabbed the jar back from her. It was a small jar. It was tightly sealed. It was a short walk to the car and she was not wearing a white dress at the time. Maybe it was a bit rude of me, but she had also been rude and I would have preferred to forget the episode if she hadn't chosen to give me the silent treatment all day and project a sorrowful demeanor.[/QUOTE]

I feel very strongly about the whole recycling thing too. It drives me crazy that people would rather use plastic bags at the grocery store than get a paper bag that you can put more in [I]and[/I] recycle when you are done. Our society has become very wasteful. I'm not going to dispute whether or not your snatching it back was justified or not. Litte things like this do happen in the heat of the moment sometimes and it is very unfair that you are taking all the blows and she is getting all this sympathy (not to mention if the situation were reversed and the woman did what you did we would [I]all[/I] be calling this man unstable). Her pouting and acting like a spoiled brat was absolutely ridiculous! Most of us have stupid and petty arguments with our SOs, but most of us do not explode into this suicidal monster over these petty things even on our worst PMS days. I'm sorry, but unstable doesn't even begin to describe her.

[QUOTE=nkfrisk]Then she started crying again and I kept asking what was wrong. Was she mad at me? Did something happen? Was she feeling ill? Finally, she just said that she felt empty. She got agitated and then muttered "i'm going to die". To be honest, I was feeling really irritated and started thinking that it's unbearable being with someone who goes into these morose, catatonic states. But I tried to be comforting and convinced her to go home and sleep. I can't tell if she is genuinely depressed, or just being incredibly immature. I've gone through depression and it was persistent and unrelenting. The few times I've seen her become this way, it's been after a petty argument between us. At other times she seems quite cheerful. The more she behaves this way, the more I'm turned off. But how do you break up with someone who is really depressed, if in fact she is depressed? She really has no other friends and her parents live overseas. Not long ago I was thinking that she might be the one. Now I'm wondering how I got into this mess.[/QUOTE]

So you even took some advice and tried to be sympathetic and where did it get you? Nowhere because she has some issues! Maybe she is depressed, who knows. It is not your responsibility to be there at her beck and call. I would be pretty annoyed to if I told someone that I had work to do and I was going to the gym later only to have them call every hour and expect me to stop what I was doing to do what they wanted. It's pathetic. You can't be her everything and it unfair for her to expect you to be. She needs to find what makes her happy and not expect you to do it for her.

You thought she was the one because she was on her good behavior. Now she has let her guard down and shown you who she is, a whiny brat. I think you should find yourself a stronger woman and let her find herself a man who will be at her beck and call or some therapy.
Sorry to revive this old thread, but I just wanted to post something now that it really seems over between us. Since my last post, we had been together again for a while, with things fairly normal. Yesterday evening, I had arranged to meet a refugee I know through a charity for a coffee at Starbucks. When my (ex) gf called to see what I was doing, I suggested that she come and join us, but she said she'd meet me later instead. I was chatting with this guy, probably for two and a half hours because he was talking about his situation and problems. I called my gf when we finished at 9:30, she said it was too late to go for dinner and she'd bring some food over to my place.

So she came over and I told her all about the conversation I'd had, which I found quite interesting. When I finished talking, all she said in response was that she couldn't believe that I had let her wait for so long without so much as a call or message. She had been sitting around at home, hungry and waiting for me. I couldn't believe I was being criticised again and asked why on earth SHE didn't call me or send me a message, if anything it would have given me an excuse to end the meeting sooner. And in fact I had asked her to join us in the first place.

She said it was a sign of how little I cared about her and she now realized that "this is the type of person" I am. Another alleged sign of how little I care about her is that I always walk ahead of her in public. I couldn't believe how idiotic this was. I am 6'6, she is 5'4 and always walks at a snail's pace in high-heeled shoes. I cannot possibly move any slower than I already do. At this point, i remarked that she had spoiled another evening and wondered why she had come over if she was so mad at me.

What followed was another hysterical breakdown. She was screaming, crying, throwing things, hitting herself. The whole building must have heard. In the heat of things, I said that I was done with this relationship and she had better get some therapy. After a while, she wanted to leave but I insisted that she calm down and spend the night, and I would stay in the other room. I fell asleep and woke up to find her gone, having taken all her things with her.

Now I feel queasy about the wasted year behind me. I've never spent so much of my time with someone, taken them so seriously, wanted only the best for them. Maybe I was a bit inconsiderate or self-absorbed at times, but I don't know how I ever wronged her to deserve the type of reaction that I got. She was also very sweet to me most of the time. Just a couple days ago, she surprised me with a holiday booking for my birthday next weekend.
I guess that's not going to happen now. I can't believe it ended over a plastic bag argument and because I spent too much time at Starbucks.
Sorry to revive this old thread, but I just wanted to post something now that it really seems over between us. Since my last post, we had been together again for a while, with things fairly normal. Yesterday evening, I had arranged to meet a refugee I know through a charity for a coffee at Starbucks. When my (ex) gf called to see what I was doing, I suggested that she come and join us, but she said she'd meet me later instead. I was chatting with this guy, probably for two and a half hours because he was talking about his situation and problems. I called my gf when we finished at 9:30, she said it was too late to go for dinner and she'd bring some food over to my place.

So she came over and I told her all about the conversation I'd had, which I found quite interesting. When I finished talking, all she said in response was that she couldn't believe that I had let her wait for so long without so much as a call or message. She had been sitting around at home, hungry and waiting for me. I couldn't believe I was being criticised again and asked why on earth SHE didn't call me or send me a message, if anything it would have given me an excuse to end the meeting sooner. And in fact I had asked her to join us in the first place.

She said it was a sign of how little I cared about her and she now realized that "this is the type of person" I am. Another alleged sign of how little I care about her is that I always walk ahead of her in public. I couldn't believe how idiotic this was. I am 6'6, she is 5'4 and always walks at a snail's pace in high-heeled shoes. I cannot possibly move any slower than I already do. At this point, i remarked that she had spoiled another evening and wondered why she had come over if she was so mad at me.

What followed was another hysterical breakdown. She was screaming, crying, throwing things, hitting herself. The whole building must have heard. In the heat of things, I said that I was done with this relationship and she had better get some therapy. After a while, she wanted to leave but I insisted that she calm down and spend the night, and I would stay in the other room. I fell asleep and woke up to find her gone, having taken all her things with her.

Now I feel queasy about the wasted year behind me. I've never spent so much of my time with someone, taken them so seriously, wanted only the best for them. Maybe I was a bit inconsiderate or self-absorbed at times, but I don't know how I ever wronged her to deserve the type of reaction that I got. She was also very sweet to me most of the time. Just a couple days ago, she surprised me with a holiday booking for my birthday next weekend.
I guess that's not going to happen now. I can't believe it ended over a plastic bag argument, because I walk too fast and because I spent too much time at Starbucks.
[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3004080]I seem to get into these arguments with my girlfriend over ridiculous things. We were having a nice lunch at a restaurant and I bought a jar of home-made pasta sauce on the way out. I was holding my computer bag, gym stuff and an umbrella so I asked if she could hold the jar for me, since she only had her handbag. She wanted to go back in the restaurant for a plastic bag, but I said we didn't need the bag just for 1 jar. She kept complaining and started lagging behind me in proteest as we walked a couple blocks. I got irritated, snatched the jar back and said that I'd hold everything myself since it was too much to ask of her. For the rest of the day, she had a sulking, antisocial attitude towards me.

I was driving her home at night and said sarcastically that I really enjoyed the silent treatment all day. She said that my tone towards her was rude and I replied that her behavior was much ruder than my tone. She started crying, which she often does. I said that she should discuss what's on her mind instead of behaving this way. But she cried even harder (i would call it weeping) and I grew more irritated. I told her it was indecent to cry over a petty argument, as if some close relative had died. I don't know if crying is a tactic to seek comfort, but it just seems to spawn the opposite reaction in me. She was just so morose that finally I told her if she really thinks I treat her so poorly that she has to react this way, we should just end it now for her own sake. I don't want to be with someone who appears so unhappy with me.

Next, she went completely hysterical. She was sobbing and I was very irritated and tried to ignore her. But then she started screaming, pulling her hair and pounding her head and said that she didn't want to live. I screamed back that I was driving and that she was going to cause an accident. Finally, I had to pull over to restrain her. She seemed to have completely lost it and was sobbing uncontrollably. I've never seen someone break down like that. We just sat there for half an hour until she was calmer. Then she became very tender, held my arm and said that she loved me. Eventually, I took her home, told her to get some rest and said we'd talk tomorrow.

We've been together for a year, but now I'm starting to think that our personalities are mismatched. I just find sulking and gratuitous crying so unattractive in a woman and would like to be with someone who handles things more maturely. But now I really have to worrry about her emotional stability, given what happened last night. What should I do now?[/QUOTE]

My first question would be "Why are you having a nice lunch together at a restraunt and you have your Computer bag & gym bag with you?"
Maybe she feels you care more about these items rather than her and she doesn't feel like she has a right to say anything because you don't live together and that is driving her a little batty. Just a thought. I love the computer and ex hated it. Biggest argument we had. I would never think to take it on a date to a restraunt.
[FONT="Lucida Sans Unicode"][SIZE="2"][COLOR="DarkOrchid"]I think you should just move on. If you guys are incompatible then things will never work out. Why force yourself to be with someone who doesn't feel the same about things as you do??
This is only going to hurt you in the long run. You are better off trying to find your perfect match. Everyone gets dumped once or twice. She will survive. She does sound like a nut job though lol. Her tamper tantrums are very immature and it does sound like she was brought up VERY spoiled....possibly didn't have any brothers or sisters. Sounds like she use to throw fits and then mommy and daddy gave her what she wanted.

Time to pack your bags and settle with someone else. Someone whose a little more head strong, stable and doesn't wear her emotions on her sleeve.

I personally don't think there was a big deal with him having his computer or gym bag with him as long as he wasn't playing on the thing while they were eating or messing around in the gym bag. If that would cause someone to be upset then they ARE immature.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[QUOTE=nkfrisk;3041398]She said it was a sign of how little I cared about her and she now realized that "this is the type of person" I am. Another alleged sign of how little I care about her is that I always walk ahead of her in public. I couldn't believe how idiotic this was. I am 6'6, she is 5'4 and always walks at a snail's pace in high-heeled shoes. I cannot possibly move any slower than I already do. At this point, i remarked that she had spoiled another evening and wondered why she had come over if she was so mad at me. [/QUOTE]

Okay, if my SO always walked infront of me in public because I wore high heels and what he thought was at a snails pace, I would be SO insulted!!! You definately seem like a nice guy, dont get me wrong, but you definately are very arrogant... its almost as if your way is always the right way and everyone else is a fool. You should appreciate that your woman goes thru the torture, and yes it is tortue, to wear high heels when she is out with you because she is trying to look nice for you... dont insult her by telling her she walks at a snails pace and then walk infront of her because you cannot tolerate to walk so slow. Believe it or not, these little things eat up women bit by bit and it eventually drives them batty, esp if they have no other friends or family as you stated earlier your gf does not. You guys are bottom line INCOMPATIBLE... I hope you learn from this, even if you do find a strong woman, you do have faults that need addressing and its best if you acknowledge them and try to work on fixing them. Your GF has problems too but its not all her fault as I believe you are trying to persuade the audience here to believe.
[FONT="Lucida Sans Unicode"][SIZE="2"][COLOR="green"]I really find it sad that everyone is being rude to the poster! The issue isn't whether he walks ahead of his girlfriend or whether he brings his friggin computer to a restaurant or the fact that she didn't need a bag for one measly item. The fact that SHE friggin flipped out IS THE ISSUE!
She acted like a complete idiot. Very immature and very inconsiderate of her bf. She SHOULD have offered to carry something without him even asking.... it's called common courtesy!!! I usually walk behind my boyfriend because I have knee problems and walk slower and he, by nature, walks faster then I do. He usually tries to slow down and keep up with me but sometimes it's uncontrollable. Most of the time we walk hand in hand...unless we are in a rush.

First off for one easily carryable item like a jar of spaghetti sauce she should NOT have needed a bag. That's just being lazy and wasteful.

Second flipping out in the car to the point she was pulling out her hair and smacking her head off of the window and distracting the driver FROM driving!! Again immature and ridiculous. I would have pulled over and kicked her out of the car and told her if she continues to act like a 6 year old she can walk home. She COULD have cause him to get into a car accident and HURT others.

Third He told her he was having an important dinner and she WAS invited. IT WAS her choice to not go so she had NO right to complain about him doing it.

Fourth AGAIN she flipped out.....

See a pattern here?? She needs to grow up!!!

You two are beyond compatible. She needs to seek some serious help and learn to not act like a 5 year old who can't get a new toy.

A mature WOMAN would never act like this ESPECIALLY in public! and if she does....then she isn't a woman and she needs to be checked into a mental hospital. Flipping out NEVER resolves any issues.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]





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