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Relationship Health Message Board


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Liz,
I am so sorry, I can't imagine your frusteration. I don't know how I would take it either, him saying "he would give it to you". I would want to run screamining. I think men are the biggest babies when it comes to being sick and I hear you. I would "MUCH" rather be the sick one, then have it be Chris or our daughter, or anyone else for that matter. This is a horrible illness and I really hope that someday they can use me to help the docs learn more about controlling some of these neuro diseases. However I'm pretty sure that I couldn't have taken care of mine for the last 3 years, if the tables were turned. He would have been completely selfish and demanding, and angry, and for some reason it seems like when he is angry, it all comes out towards me, whether I'm the responsible party or not. I remember one day, when I had just gotten home from the hospital after being there for a week. He picked me up, and on the drive home he was complaining about how he had gotten sunburned on his head the day before and he had this terrible headache, and treating me like a royal pain in the butt because I had the audacity to get discharged on a day when HE didn't feel good. You are absolutely right, there does seem to be only 3 moods, that is a perfect explaination. OK, Happy, and Angry (anything that isn't OK, or Happy ends up here). I have asked my hubby time and time again, to put himself in my shoes and see how he feels, and his only response is, I couldn't do what you do, I would have ended it a long time ago. Which is nice in a way because he means that he thinks I'm tough, but in another way, I feel like a huge burden and that if I were a decent person I would give up and let him move on.
Mine does get emotional and cry but it takes a lot of prodding, and getting through the anger and eventually the true emotion behind it will come out. However it's hard to get him to talk, he leaves the room (and of course I can't follow) so when he is done with the conversation then I have no choice.
I do understand what you are saying, I'm so grateful to him for everything he has done for me over the past 3 years, well actually we've been together 12 married for almost 8. Same as you, I love him so much. He can be so tender, and loving and giving, but when he goes through these bouts of depression/anger/hurt and now with the caregiver burnout syndrome, he is completely withdrawn. I left him alone for months, and things got worse, but he says he just wants me to leave him alone so he can get better. My daughter and I go stay with my parents for a week every month or so so he can have a break. I don't know anyone with a job who gets a week off every 4-6 weeks. I think he is losing perspective.
I guess part of this burnout syndrome is role confusion. He doesn't see me as his wife/equal anymore. He sees me more like (well I always say this and he gets mad) a pet. 'Go lay down', 'eat!', 'your doing to much' I sometimes call him the warden. I know that it is only out of concern for me, but he forgets that Im' still in here. I'm trapped in a body that looks and feels horrible, but the woman he fell in love with and married, is still here I just can't do what I want and need to do.
Anyway, as the patient, the only other thing I can think is that is sounds like your hubby may be resentful of you. Not that you have done a bad job, by any means it sounds like you have been a fantasic caregiver and have dealt with more than anyone should have to, especially with the fact that you have other family issues going on as well. But I know that sometimes I get a little jealous of the fact that we are supposed to be partners, but he can still walk away when he wants to, he can go over to his office and play video games all night when he needs to. He can get in the car and drive. I love to drive and can't anymore, and he complains non stop about all of the driving. I know that it he doesn't like to drive, but it's kind of like complaining about being caught in a ten minute downpour to Noah. I don't say anything, but i do sometimes get a little jealous, and since men don't have any other way of dealing with their emotions, that jealousy probably turns into resentment and anger towards you. Not that it is your fault, there isn't anything you can do, and you are doing everything you can. It's just part of the situation of caregiver/caregivee when you are so close like that. At least that's what I've come to conclude.
I'm so sorry your counselor is giving you trouble. I think men must understand men better or something. He sounds like he needs to get his liscense reviewed.
I would love to talk more, but I'm falling asleep here, I had a long day today and didn't get back to the boards until just now.
I really appreciate your response and your caring. I was feeling so alone yesterday, last night. It's nice to know that there are others out there having similar feelings (different view points of course), but I believe that the frusteration, fear of our husbands him (not just physically, and fear of contining on with the way things are, are very much a like no matter which side of the fence you are on. Health issues seriously complicated relationships and are especially hard on marriages.
Thanks again for your post, thread and response. It's nice to be able to get rid of some of these negative thoughts without having to disuss, or take them out on my hubby.
How did your day go? Better than the one before I hope!
Take care of yourself,
Amy





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