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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


I've posted here earlier about my problems with my MIL--and recieved some really good support and I appreciated it. Guess I am feeling really blue about some stuff going on in my life and need some encouragement--and I don't know where to turn. I guess I could go to my "pastor" although in our religion that's not what he's called--but he'd freakout if he thought I was having marital problems, as my hubby & I are kind of looked up to as being one of the stalwart couples.
My hubby has Hep C, and had a liver transplant last fall. His hep c has recurred,as we knew it would, with a vengeance and he has to go on interferon treatments. He only has 50% cure rate with it, so that's like looking at a half empty/half full glass. That's not the problem, oddly enough, it's this: we went thru the year waiting for the transplant (ungodly stress, as you can imagine) and a lot of other stress, too, which he simply removed himself from, focusing only on himself and letting me handle all the other stuff (a wedding, opposition from the grooms parents to the point of us almost having to get a restraining order against them, a daughter being dxed as Bipolar and her subsequent cycling in and out of mania/depression and several suicide attempts, 3 false alarm calls for the transplant,-plus all the usual family related dramas.) My hubby withdrew totally into himself--would not engage with me or anyone about how he felt or anything. This was normal and so I went with it. By the time he had the transplant I was pretty much exhausted (and my daughter was in a suicidal funk again)..so I was dealing with both and very sick husband and a very sick daughter.
Long story short, I was trying to spend as much as possible with him, and also with her, and also still take care of our home and life. He had a [I]ton[/I] of drugs --many amnesiacs, and does not remember a lot of what went on--he did well and came home in 10 days and I took care of him 24/7 for 4 months. He had some special dietary needs so I cooked every single meal but two that our daughter brought in. I bathed him, drained his wounds, organzied his meds--well, you get the idea, and not once, in all that time, nor since did he ever thank me.
We've been on tenterhooks around each other ever since he got better enough to go back to work. I have been super depressed--not in small part due to the fact that I worked my fanny off caring for him and he didn't even care. Finally I got angry enough to say that this was unacceptable and a pattern in our marriage that I was sick of deaing with and I wanted to go to counseling. He went, and all that has come of this is that he & the counselor have teamed up to bag on me. My husband says he is sick and tired of my "moroseness" all the time and he wasn't grateful for my care because it was lousy and because I gave it so grudgingly! This blew me away---he said I was never there for him in the hospital either (only 14-18 hours a day!)--well, shoot, the doctors were FORCING ME TO GO HOME--because they knew how brutal it would be on me when we got home.
I have to admit, there were times when I had been running off my feet for twenty hours straight and he was still wanting more and I would break down and cry and he'd be all "what's wrong with you?? [I]I[/I] had the transplant!!" and I'd feel so awful for breaking down. My kids weren't able to help much. His mom never even came over--my mom was a doll but he wanted me by his side every single second--and after all that he tells our counselor I was a lousy caregiver.
Now we have to start Interferon (a type of chemo which he has to go on to hopefully cure the HepC) If he responds it will last 48 weeks. If not, he will go off of it in 12 weeks and then just die a slow death. I am feeling so many awful things. He refuses to talk to me about his fears--says this is his problem, but clearly it [B]will [/B]affect me---says all my problems make him crazy (depression, which his behavior surely does not help) won't let me go to the doctor's appts with him, so I am out of the loop and don't know what to expect---I feel like I need to leave him, but if he only has a few months left--what do I do?? Wouldn't you think something like a transplant would bring a couple closer together?? Man, not in our case! My husband is a totally different guy. We are father apart than we ever were. I miss him, the man I married I keep thinking he'll come back, but this stranger, this mean, mean man just keeps coming home at night. Worst part, he's just mad at me all the time.





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