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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


[QUOTE=singleone24;3044917]Here we are 7 months later, and we still argue several times a week but they're over nothing, like always, and we have always bounced back. When we argue however, they are usually my fault...or, at least, he convinces me of that to the point where I truly believe him, even if at first I have a strong opinion and I speak about it.[/QUOTE]

7 months into a relationship is technically still the "honeymoon" period. It's pretty concerning that you argue several times a week. The other thing that is concerning is how he "convinces" you all of these arguments are your fault. He is obviously very manipulative and has done a very good job at wearing you down.

[QUOTE=singleone24] Ive been in love once and he left me for another girl, and this is the first relationship Ive had since then.[/QUOTE]

That is why you are so willing to put up with your boyfriend's behavior. You don't want to be hurt again so you are doing anything to hold onto him, even at the expense of your own well being. I can't see how any man is worth that!

[QUOTE=singleone24]But he always talks about his ex girlfriend, and she still writes him, but he shows me the emails even though I dont like to see it. He doesnt respond, or he tells her hes with me and he loves me, and says he is keeping me posted so I know everything that is going on. They were togehter for 6 years or something. I just feel like at any point he can leave me and go back to her, especially because when we get in arguements he always compares me to her and says she didnt do those things and it was never like that with their relationship.[/QUOTE]

He knows you feel insecure and uses this to make you second guess yourself and try to improve to some standard he has set for you. The more you hear about her the more you want to make him happy so he won't leave you. He knows exactly what he is doing here!

[QUOTE=singleone24]So Im sure just reading this, everyone is already thinking I should get out of hte relationship because of differences or whatever.[/QUOTE]

No, you shouldn't get out of this relationship because of "differences". You should get out of this relationship because he is manipulative and mentally abusive.

[QUOTE=singleone24]THe thing is, he has so many qualities I have always wanted in someone. Its just that there are a lot of faults as well, im just willing to look past them. With my faults, he points them out constantly. If I say anything about him, it causes another argument.[/QUOTE]

I'm sure he has his good points. But when the faults out weigh those points it's time to realize that all this crap isn't worth it. I mean, he can critique you constantly and wear down your self esteem and you are just suppose to take it. You open your mouth about [I]anything[/I] and you are wrong and he doesn't want to hear it. Trust me, nobody is wrong all the time. It just isn't possible.

[QUOTE=singleone24]The other night, he started opening up right before we went to bed..and I was happy because he is always joking and I had wanted to talk about us in future-terms, as he had brought up in teh past. I started talking about it, and he told me not now. Well I kept going. He again told me he just wanted to sleep. I then snapped that I have needs too and everything is always on his terms. He got angry and stood up and started yelling, and I started crying (as I always do...I cant help it). Well that makes things worse. He cant take my crying. I think that he thinks it is emotional blackmail, but its not- its because Im upset and I cant help it. So he started throwing things, cursing, screaming, and pointing his finger and threatening to leave. I have NEVER seen him like this. I got scared. He even threw his glasses and they broke. The whole time he was screaming at me to stop crying.[/QUOTE]

Anybody in your position would have gotten scared. You cried because you got upset. Of course he doesn't like to see you get upset because then that could mean he is at fault for something. So naturally he is going to try to make you shut up. Now it smashing and breaking things. In time his hands will be put on you.

[QUOTE=singleone24]we texted each other back and forth and he said he didnt know if we were OK and that he hated himself, that he scared me and he wanted to disappear and that he was ashamed. He said he felt like a potential abuser and that he's never been like that, and his ex-gf never saw him that way (of course he had to add that).
I found myself just wanting to fix things so much that I took the blame for everything, and the truth is, I completely believe it. If I wasn't so needy, If I could just shut up and not constantly need reassurance, if I could listen to him when he says we'll talk another time...none of this would happen. I feel emotionally unstable. Yes, he made the choice to go out of control...but I drove him there.[/QUOTE]

He did the whole "I'm so sorry" bit to pull you back in. You, wanting to make this relationship work, take the blame for everything. Why? You did nothing wrong! You shouldn't have to change you to make anyone happy and be with you. If he doesn't love you the way you are then he doesn't love you! The sadder thing here is you don't love you either. That's why you are putting up with this. You must know you are worth more than this.

[QUOTE=singleone24]I don't know what to do. I feel panicked, because if this ends, it is all my fault and I can't keep pushing people away. I pushed my ex away and I loved him with all my heart and i still have to live with that, and it was because i was needy and wanted him around all the time.[/QUOTE]

You didn't push your ex away! Repeat that to yourself until you believe it. [I]He[/I] made the choice to go to another girl. I don't know why he did what he did, but I do know that nothing you could have done would have prevented it. You two just weren't meant to be. He was your first love and those are the toughest to get over.

[QUOTE=singleone24]I have friends, I have a great job, I am a very well-educated competent person and I dont know why the rest of my life is nearly perfect, but I am a basket-case when it comes to love.[/QUOTE]

My advice to you singleone, be single for a while. Be with your friends, enjoy your job and learn how to be comfortable in your own skin. Work on making yourself whole without a man first. When you are happy and truly love yourself the right man will fit right into the equation.





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