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I've been in a relationship with someone for almost 7 months now. In the beginning, I was dating several people, and the guy I ended up with...right from the start, we were complicated. I knew it, people told me, but there was something about him that made me want to choose him over everyone. It was for several reasons, even though we had arguments over nothing.
Here we are 7 months later, and we still argue several times a week but they're over nothing, like always, and we have always bounced back. When we argue however, they are usually my fault...or, at least, he convinces me of that to the point where I truly believe him, even if at first I have a strong opinion and I speak about it.

I've realized that I have issues, and the theme of my issues is that I'm needy or insecure in relationships and I dont know why. Ive been in love once and he left me for another girl, and this is the first relationship Ive had since then. It has been very serious, despite the arguing. But he always talks about his ex girlfriend, and she still writes him, but he shows me the emails even though I dont like to see it. He doesnt respond, or he tells her hes with me and he loves me, and says he is keeping me posted so I know everything that is going on. They were togehter for 6 years or something. I just feel like at any point he can leave me and go back to her, especially because when we get in arguements he always compares me to her and says she didnt do those things and it was never like that with their relationship.

He is not American and I prefer that, but he tends to bash American ways so much that I wonder why he is with me. However, he is ALWAYS with me. He is (or, was) planning on moving in with me, for practical reasons because he is always here.

So Im sure just reading this, everyone is already thinking I should get out of hte relationship because of differences or whatever. THe thing is, he has so many qualities I have always wanted in someone. Its just that there are a lot of faults as well, im just willing to look past them. With my faults, he points them out constantly. If I say anything about him, it causes another argument.

Ive noticed with myself that I constantly need reassurance from him, or I need to hear his feelings, or we have to have a deep discussion, and it just tends to fall right when its most inconvenient for him. He can open up and tell me things like no other guy Ive known...but when I try to talk about them, it is when we're in bed, and then he gets upset because he wants to sleep. I also have some type of anxiety to the point where, if we get in an argument, I need to talk about it and solve it right then and there...otherwise i feel helpless, like my world is spinning out of control and I cant do anything. I dont know WHAT my issue is...but it happens a lot.

The other night, he started opening up right before we went to bed..and I was happy because he is always joking and I had wanted to talk about us in future-terms, as he had brought up in teh past. I started talking about it, and he told me not now. Well I kept going. He again told me he just wanted to sleep. I then snapped that I have needs too and everything is always on his terms. He got angry and stood up and started yelling, and I started crying (as I always do...I cant help it). Well that makes things worse. He cant take my crying. I think that he thinks it is emotional blackmail, but its not- its because Im upset and I cant help it. So he started throwing things, cursing, screaming, and pointing his finger and threatening to leave. I have NEVER seen him like this. I got scared. He even threw his glasses and they broke. The whole time he was screaming at me to stop crying.
The rest of the night is unimportant, but I couldnt stop crying, and he shut down completely and put me to bed. The next morning we both had to go to work together (we work together, in seperate jobs) and we texted each other back and forth and he said he didnt know if we were OK and that he hated himself, that he scared me and he wanted to disappear and that he was ashamed. He said he felt like a potential abuser and that he's never been like that, and his ex-gf never saw him that way (of course he had to add that).
I found myself just wanting to fix things so much that I took the blame for everything, and the truth is, I completely believe it. If I wasn't so needy, If I could just shut up and not constantly need reassurance, if I could listen to him when he says we'll talk another time...none of this would happen. I feel emotionally unstable. Yes, he made the choice to go out of control...but I drove him there.
Since then, we have talked about it, because I pretty much had a breakdown at home nad asked him to come over. THe thing is, we are supposed to go away for 2 months in 2 weeks. He is supposed to move in. And as of now, he can barely look me in the eye. He told me then that it was all my fault, that it was me, not him, and that there was nothing to fix. He says he doesnt know why Im so insecure, where my neediness comes from. I dont either.
I just feel so depressed. I walk around holding back tears. WHen I see him, he looks the same. We are still supposed to be together tonight to 'hang out', but it is because I asked and he just responds 'sure'...not yeah or no, just 'sure' like he's purposely trying to sound uninterested.
I don't know what to do. I feel panicked, because if this ends, it is all my fault and I can't keep pushing people away. I pushed my ex away and I loved him with all my heart and i still have to live with that, and it was because i was needy and wanted him around all the time.
I have friends, I have a great job, I am a very well-educated competent person and I dont know why the rest of my life is nearly perfect, but I am a basket-case when it comes to love.





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