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Hello, I'm new to this board, and hope I can get some advice from you all. Here is the situation: My boyfriend of almost 3 years still is close friends with his ex-girlfriend. This has been a sore spot in our relationship from the beginning and just in the last few months has been the subject of a lot of our arguments. They dated for about 2.5 years, but he was friends with her for a few years before they became a couple. All in all, they've been friends for about 12 years. My boyfriend is 31 now, and I'm 28. Anyways, this girl cheated on him, and after he broke it off with her, they still remained friends. I still don't understand how he can be friends with her, but he says that they will probably always be close friends because of their history together. :confused:

We're currently in a long-distance relationship and the distance is very hard on me. We've been doing long distance now for about 7 months and I only get to see him maybe once a month, but we are looking toward the future and hopefully he will be able to move out to where I am.

I just get so threatened by what they had together. I don't understand why he wants to remain friends with her. She calls him up every couple weeks to see what's up, or if she has a question for him. I know I shouldn't get angry about this, but I do. I told him when we started the long-distance that I didn't want him calling her, but that it would be okay if they talked when she called him. He reluctantly agreed to this, but I just recently found out that he had been returning her calls and that he had lied to me about this and had even deleted her number from his outgoing call log. This pissed me off to no end, and I really let him have it. I really ripped him a new one and said some pretty hurtful things for which I did apologize for. He apologized for lying to me and said the reason why he lied about having communicated with her is because I overreact every time her name comes up. This is true, and I will admit it. When it comes to her, I just feel like i'm second-best, even though he tells me I have nothing to worry about and that he wants to be with just me. I guess I feel like I'm not as special to him because she was his first for a lot of things. I know that this is the insecure and paranoid me talking.

He assures me all the time that he has no feelings for her anymore but that they are just friends. She is dating someone right now as well. He tells me that he loves me and he wants to be with me, but I still find it so hard to accept their friendship. I know it sounds mean of me to say, but why can't he just put her in the past and not talk to her anymore? Of course, I have never asked this of him, but I'm sure he knows that deep down, I wouldn't complain if this happened.

They don't hang out or anything, since she lives in a different state. I just don't like the fact that they talk on the phone. She even knows that I'm not too comfortable with them talking but she still calls him up every few weeks to say hi. I feel like this is kind of disrespectful to me.

Lately, the stress of our long distance and the fact that we are arguing every night over his friendship with her has really taken a toll on us. I don't know what to do. I really do love him and I know he loves me, but I question whether I have the strength to overcome this hurdle.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
the best advice I can give you is that if you can't handle it, break up with him. You can't expect him to dump a friend that he's had for 12 years because you're "uncomfortable" with it. You're being unreasonable, especially since she doesn't live anywhere near him. What's the harm in staying in touch with a friend by telephone? She's got a new boyfriend.....she's not with your boyfriend anymore.....I'm sure if they wanted to be, they would still be together and you wouldn't even be in the picture.....have you thought of that? He's not hiding anything from you, but he will if you continue to badger him.
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Hmmm...."I know you don't want me doing it, but I want to do it anyway, despite how you feel about it, so I lie about it to you." Doesn't sound to me like a very healthy pattern. Sounds to me like in order to be guaranteed complete and total honesty from him, you're going to have to promise to never get mad or upset or have a problem with anything he ever does. Are you willing to promise that in exchange for honesty in the relationship? I do think there's a fine line between being the cool girlfriend and just being a doormat sap. Be careful you don't cross it. Right now it seems he feels it's better to hide bits and pieces of who he is rather than tell you the truth and let the chips fall.

Like Dabney Coleman said in Tootsie "I never promised I wouldn't see other women, but I know she doesn't want me to see other women, so I lie to her to keep from hurting her." Huh??!! You're on a bit of a slippery slope, I think. I'm not sure it's in your best interest to blame yourself or your "overreacting" for his lying. No one can force you to lie, it's something you choose to do all by yourself. I wouldn't take responsibility for his choosing to handle the situation by lying to you if I were you, no matter how "out of control and overreactive" you were inclined to get.
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3051589]Hmmm...."I know you don't want me doing it, but I want to do it anyway, despite how you feel about it, so I lie about it to you." Doesn't sound to me like a very healthy pattern. Sounds to me like in order to be guaranteed complete and total honesty from him, you're going to have to promise to never get mad or upset or have a problem with anything he ever does. Are you willing to promise that in exchange for honesty in the relationship? I do think there's a fine line between being the cool girlfriend and just being a doormat sap. Be careful you don't cross it. Right now it seems he feels it's better to hide bits and pieces of who he is rather than tell you the truth and let the chips fall.

Like Dabney Coleman said in Tootsie "I never promised I wouldn't see other women, but I know she doesn't want me to see other women, so I lie to her to keep from hurting her." Huh??!! You're on a bit of a slippery slope, I think. I'm not sure it's in your best interest to blame yourself or your "overreacting" for his lying. No one can force you to lie, it's something you choose to do all by yourself. I wouldn't take responsibility for his choosing to handle the situation by lying to you if I were you, no matter how "out of control and overreactive" you were inclined to get.[/QUOTE]

I agree with every line of this post, am definitely in Larrylousmom's camp here. I also feel you're on the slippery slope OP; I mean listen to what you're saying, you're actually starting to excuse and even [I]blame yourself [/I]for his lies! :dizzy: You are not accountable for his lies! Nobody is to blame for his lies but himself - they came out of his mouth after all, and even if he did allow your overreaction provoke him to lie, if he's that susceptible to an influence which will negatively contort his sense of morals, is he somebody you'd want to be that intimate with at all?

If I were in your situation I'd have a lot more respect for my bf's position if he did what he was doing with the calls, but refused to be covert about it. I'd probably still walk, but at least I'd have a bit of respect for him as I was heading out the door. In your situation though, where this woman is living in another state, I really donít think you need to worry here. I'm applying this logic to a situation I was in where my bf was in touch with an ex who made it clear she had big time designs on him and was living a five minute walk up the street! Your situation is worlds away from that.

As for the lies though, seriously, donít accept them - much less accept responsibility for them!





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