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Hello all,

I have been with my current and first real / serious girl friend for close to a year now. I am 29, she is 31. She has had 4 other long term relationships before me, this is my first one. I am struggling with a few things, some of which are my fault and some are probably hers. But lets get down to the solution will understand where i am going with this.

I find that if i am aloof and indifferent to my girl she seems to want me more and love me more but when i am nice and sweet and accomodating to her and available to her then she seems to lose respect for me or take me for granted. Which then makes me hypersensitive to trivial annoyances (or atleast she feels its trivial) and when i try to communicate my feelings to her she usually gets very defensive and says some really harsh and mean things. The strange thing was when we first started it was the other way around as in i had never been in a serious long term relationship before so i only wanted to see her once or twice a week and she wanted to see me 4-5 times a week. She insisted on it saying that thats how serious goes and she doesnt want anything casual.

So i agreed and things were great, i found her to be abit possessive and jealous but then again i am pretty similar like that so i never thought it was a bad trait or anything and i still dont. From what i have been told when people care they tend to show some of those traits. She was always sure about us and that we were perfect together and will get married etc etc, i was unsure at first about our compatibility and things since it was early days. Anyway as the months went by, i started to fall for her more and more and got more sure about us. But as this happened she seemed to go the other way, the more i fell for her and got sure about her the more she seemed unsure about us (not terribly unsure but doubts started creeping in).

Which made me more sensitive and insecure to other things, like a couple of guys in her life who either didnt treat me well because they seemed to have a problem with me and her dating or calling her up at midnight while we were in bed together and asking her to meet up for lunch the next day etc. All these things plus her past (i had problems with some of her past relationships because she kept things from me or lied to me about somethings when i asked her and then eventually the truth came out and stories got changed time and time again) caused many arguments and discussions.

Now her parents have always fought a lot especially when she was growing up so she has a really bad fear of conflict and fights so everytime we would have any kind of discussion or fight she would feel the whole day was ruined or even that week even if the fight took about 1 hour and we spent about 8 hours together that were great. She has been seeing a psychiatrist for a while but he hasnt been of any help besides treating her depression.

She told me she doesnt like me being angry or us fighting cos it really upsets her and she is afraid of me being angry and shouting (the thing is i feel we probably have shouted about even amount of times to each other and not that much). Anyway so i decided to try to not get angry or at least to always remain calm and talk to her softly and try to discuss everything without any heated moments. So these days thats what i do and it has helped but she still loses control and gets very defensive every discussion we have. once she loses control she tends to say some really mean and harsh comments. So i find that usually the discussions make me feel worse than i previously did before it. Hence it doesnt seem to help me much about my feelings but at least it does help her once she calms down because as long as i stay calm and talk to her softly then her anger subsides and she eventually calms down and apologises for saying the mean statements, sadly she actually tends to forget a lot of what she says when she is angry but i dont, so i still have them in memory which makes me feel more insecure and sensitive the next time.

This is getting very long and probably hard for me to give all the information in one post, but i just wanted to know how can i stop being insecure and sensitive, because i think it basically breeds a vicious cycle. Actually ideally the more indifferent and aloof i can some how make myself be, the more happier she seems to get...She even admits it and says thats how girls are. Apparently they like to chase men and feel like the men arent available and around and that makes them better catches or something. I suppose maybe thats how it has been in the past? She refers to that song "LEave me alone" by Pink ( i think). But at the same time when i am unavailable and indifferent to her then she asks me to be more "available", more commiting, more into her etc. But she says even if she asks that, i still shouldnt give it to her. ahh Its hard to explain or put into words what i mean, but i do see she is right. I have even heard about it in books and the like.

That men have to play certain games or atleast keep a certain challenge up to make girls feel that they are chasing and that the men are a trade up etc. I always felt i would never have to play games, i never liked the idea of them but people tell me thats how life is. So i am just stuck at the moment in a cycle where the nicer i am the sooner we will get into a problem and then she says some things that makes me insecure or sensitive and then i find fault with something she does because of it and etc etc. I need to somehow stop being insecure and hypersensitive and start demanding more respect before she starts appreciating me more but to do that....its tough. I think its cos its my very first relationship and i just believe in totally giving your heart to someone and she tells me thats what people do in their first relationship but they learn after a few relationships that you should have some shields up and have other priorities etc.

this is a very disjointed post, i just didnt know how to give all this information and also tried to keep it short....

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