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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

This is fairly lengthy. I appreciate you reading it.

I fell in love with a girl in the 9th grade in high school. Over the course of the year, I liked her more and more until my feelings for her peaked at the end of the school year. I liked her a lot and I had a good feeling she liked me (though I never knew for sure). Unfortunately I was stupid and never made a move.

A couple years later I left high school and a couple years after that I moved to a city an hour away to pursue post-secondary education. I was in this city for a year and a half altogether. About five months into living in the city, I was walking home from school one day and saw her kissing a friend of mine at a bus stop. I was pretty shocked to see her again (I hadn't seen her in two and a half years). It turned out that she had recently started dating this friend of mine and she was visiting for a day. I wasn't jealous at all; I was still just so surprised to see her again. The next day she left and my friend ended up breaking up with her a month later because he wanted to be with his ex-girlfriend.

Six months after that (ten months ago), I visited my family for the weekend back in my old city. I found out that she was now dating a different friend of mine (they had started dating in July 2006). As soon as I found this information out, now I had become jealous, and I started to feel something. The next day I ended up seeing her through my friend, and suddenly all the emotions that I had for her in high school came rushing back to me. And for the last ten months, all I've been able to think about all day, everyday is her. I've been whole-heartedly in love with her for the last ten months and I want nothing more in the world than to be with her. The problem is she's still dating my friend. Some of you may think, "Oh, don't bother; dangerous territory. There are plenty of other fish in the sea." However...

I've been on this earth for 20 years, and in those 20 years I've met plenty of girls... all manner and types of girls. And out of all the girls I've ever met, I've never met anyone who has even come within a mile of this girl. She is far and away the most intelligent, most beautiful, most passionate, most caring, coolest person I've ever met. She and I have a staggering number of things in common (not just interests, but also passions and goals in life). We are also both very romantic people (she once wrote her first boyfriend 100 poems for Valentine's Day, kissing each one with lipstick). I know we would be absolutely perfect for each other, and if we started dating, I know it will last for the rest of our lives. I moved back to my old city a few months ago where she lives and I see her fairly often through my friend. She and I are pretty good friends and we can have really good conversations at the drop of a hat. I know she has the capacity to love me, but the only thing standing in her way is her boyfriend.

I never thought she and my friend were very compatible (I'm still surprised they're together. They get along just fine, but they really are two completely different people). They've been dating for 11 months with no visible problems. I know they've had small issues before, but that's normal. However, I know they don't love each other (at least, she doesn't love him; she took a random survey on Facebook and when a question asked if she was in love, she replied with " like?"). So they've just been going on "like" for 11 months now, and frankly, if it hasn't turned into love yet, I don't know that it ever will. And she seems like the kind of person who wants love in a relationship (like I said, she's a romantic). I like my friend a lot and I don't want to cause tension or at worse lose a friend, but I'd do anything to be with her. Basically, if I had to choose between her or oxygen, I'd choose her, because at least for about a minute or a minute and a half, I'd be with the girl I love.

Often I wonder what she's doing with him when we both know we're perfect for each other (well, I know... she probably hasn't realized it yet). I'm not sure if she likes me even a little bit or not. I'm sure she realizes that we have a ton in common, and everytime we talk we always maintain eye contact the entire time the other person's talking. Many times it seems she singles me out specifically and we have something special, but other times it doesn't quite seem that way. She's very hard to read. However, if she were single and I asked her out, she would definitely say yes... it's just her boyfriend.

If you've read this far, I thank you very much for enduring my story. So... what should I do? And "forget her and move on" isn't an option in case you haven't noticed. I will be with her somehow, I just don't quite know the course of action I should be taking. Should I tell her how I feel, should I build our relationship a little more then tell her? Should I wait for them to break up? etc...?

Thank you.
[B]To walkabout:[/B]

I like your "seed has been planted..." analogy. It's small perspectives like this that give me hope. I'll get to the topic of moving on a little later.

[B]To Laylah:[/B]

As far as the notion of being that far down her list goes, I don't think that's true. Like I said earlier, at one point she had no interest whatsoever in the person she's currently dating. At that point in time, he was essentially low on her list. But now he's at the top of it. If she were given a choice right now to date the person she was previously dating or the person she's dating right now, she would pick the person she's dating right now. It's not as if she had a list with the person she was previously dating at the top, the person she's currently dating in the middle, and me at the bottom. I didn't even come back into her life until she was already dating whom she's currently dating. That said, love interests come and go. They are only love interests in relative terms, constantly changing with the times. Yesterday's lover may be tomorrow's ex. Priorities shift.

And as far as setting my sights higher, I don't think that's possible. I'm going after my perfect dream girl who's turned me down... I don't think my sights could be higher. As far as the loyalty thing goes, I meant that she's not even entertaining the idea of being with anyone other than her boyfriend. But that probably comes entirely from her having feelings for her boyfriend and having none for me.

And they've only been together for one year, not two years.

[B]To Sera:[/B]

Thanks for the affirmation. I sent my email gracefully bowing out and I will in no way whatsoever remind her that I have feelings for her or that we are anything other than friends. My concern is that I've fixated on her for so long that I don't know how else to live my life but to think of her all day, everyday. However, the remainder of your message deeply bothers me. :p

Meet a girl who is even more meant for me, you say? As far as I recall, all I said about this girl is that we have so much in common and she's perfect for me. In that case, why don't I illustrate exactly how perfect this girl is for me...

- We have practically the same taste in movies and music.
- She has a passion for the English language and is going to be a high school English teacher. She loves writing. She finds an innate beauty in the way words are constructed and put together in prose. I have a passion for the English language. I've wanted to be a writer all my life.
- She wants to go to Japan in a few years to visit and teach English. If there's one place on Earth I want to visit, it's Japan. I'm dying to go there and I'm currently trying to learn the language.
- If I could pick one thing I want in a girl, it would be intelligence. I've been formally tested and I'm very intelligent. However, as smart as I am, I know she's even smarter (she's been tested too). I need someone to mentally stimulate me in a relationship, and not only can she more than do that, but I probably have to keep up with her. Because of this, she's very quick, very witty, which is important to me. High intelligence is a rare thing.
- She's honestly the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life (that includes fashion models and actresses on TV). To me, she just exudes this breathtaking beauty that I've never seen with anyone else.
- She's very compassionate and an absolute humanitarian. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but one day she decided to cut off her long hair (and she loved her long hair dearly) and donate it to kids with cancer. Her and I were sitting by my pool one afternoon and she was staring at the water's edge. She saw a spider on the water trying to climb out of the pool. Now, she's not really a big fan of spiders, yet she took her sandal and put the end down by the water so the spider could climb onto it. But not the bottom of the sandal; she let the spider climb onto the top where she puts her foot, then she put the sandal on the deck and let the spider crawl away.
- She's an absolute romantic. As I've said before, she wrote her first boyfriend overseas a poem and he said "It would take 100 of these to get me to come home." So she actually wrote him 100 heartfelt poems, kissed each one with lipstick and sent them to him. I've never heard anyone be this romantic. If she sent me 100 poems, I don't care if I were in the middle of open-heart surgery, I'd get the doctors to stitch me up then I'd take the next flight out and hug the living crap out of her. Then I would probably write her 100 songs. Anyway, the point is romance is incredibly important to me. And I've never met anyone as romantic as her.
- Ethnicity isn't a deal-breaker for me and I'm not that picky when it comes to it, but if I could pick one ethnicity over any other in a girl, it would be Japanese. And she just happens to be half-Japanese.
- She's very thoughtful. And not just as in remembering special dates or thinking of others, but just generally thoughtful and interested in all aspects of life. I love people who are genuinely interested in the world around them, even down to the quirky little things.
- I'm fairly musically-inclined, and she is as well. And she has the voice of an angel, by the way. ;)
- She has the cutest freckles I've ever seen.
- She has the cutest nose I've ever seen.
- I would prefer brown eyes on a girl and she has the most haunting brown eyes I've ever seen.
- I would prefer dark brown hair on a girl, and being that she's half-Japanese, no matter how she styles it, she has gorgeous dark brown hair.
- She has a beautiful, radiant smile.
- She has a great body.
- And I don't know how they feel, but her lips look amazing.

So if there's actually a better girl out there... well, I can't even conceive of that.

I sent her an email back, saying that I understand everything she's saying and that I agree with everything she's saying. I told her that while it may seem like our friendship is now different, it's really the same. I said I hope she doesn't feel awkward on my behalf and I wouldn't do anything to change our friendship or make her feel uncomfortable or awkward. I said I understand that she's with her boyfriend, and if that's the decision she's made, I'm not going to step in.

Now, if everything hopefully still goes through, I'll be working at the same place as her starting September. This is pretty crucial in my mind, because she'll see me often and see that I'm just a complete good friend, that nothing is awkward, and that I'm a good guy.

After reading that email yesterday, I would have expected myself to be a heap of tears on the floor, but I surprisingly held myself together okay. I actually feel pretty calm and in somewhat good spirits right now. Unfortunately, this may be the calm before the storm. The problem I have now is figuring out how to go on with my life from this point. For the past year I've lived my life thinking about her all day, everyday. It was by far the most painful year of my life and I'm surprised I made it this far. But I know I can't keep going on like this or something bad will happen (if nothing else, living in hell everyday). Now I'm looking at the prospect of maybe having to wait another year or two? I'm trying not to think of it being longer than that, even if it very well may be, because the thought is too painful. And who knows? Maybe it could last another three months.

I always used to be a happy person. I would always look at people who were depressed and thought "Why are you depressed? Why would you want to wallow around in your own misery when you can just be happy?" I always thought of it as a mental switch that each person is in complete control of. I had a system regarding this that worked very well. If it felt like something was wrong or I just had a weird feeling, I would stop myself and ask "What's wrong?" I would identify what was bothering me and think "Okay, what can I do about it?" And it would either be "Okay, I'll do this" and it would be solved, or "Okay, there's nothing I can do about it right now, so I'll just put it out of my mind until I can do something about it." And with that system, I would never get stressed, I would never get depressed. If you listened close enough, you could practically hear "Walking on Sunshine" emanating from me. I was sure that nothing on Earth could make me depressed. But then I reacquainted myself with this girl and she showed me just how wrong I was. It would be like "Okay, what's wrong?" ... "I want to be with her." ... "Okay, what can I do about it?" ... "Absolutely nothing." ... :(

I've lived with this depression for a year, and the real problem is that I know I could probably get out of it if I really wanted to, but I know (I've always known) that I don't want to. I don't know what it is, but as painful as it is, I find a strange comfort in being depressed like this. But I know I have to change this if I want to keep my sanity.

Um, I guess that's it for now.

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