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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

[B]To walkabout:[/B]

I like your "seed has been planted..." analogy. It's small perspectives like this that give me hope. I'll get to the topic of moving on a little later.

[B]To Laylah:[/B]

As far as the notion of being that far down her list goes, I don't think that's true. Like I said earlier, at one point she had no interest whatsoever in the person she's currently dating. At that point in time, he was essentially low on her list. But now he's at the top of it. If she were given a choice right now to date the person she was previously dating or the person she's dating right now, she would pick the person she's dating right now. It's not as if she had a list with the person she was previously dating at the top, the person she's currently dating in the middle, and me at the bottom. I didn't even come back into her life until she was already dating whom she's currently dating. That said, love interests come and go. They are only love interests in relative terms, constantly changing with the times. Yesterday's lover may be tomorrow's ex. Priorities shift.

And as far as setting my sights higher, I don't think that's possible. I'm going after my perfect dream girl who's turned me down... I don't think my sights could be higher. As far as the loyalty thing goes, I meant that she's not even entertaining the idea of being with anyone other than her boyfriend. But that probably comes entirely from her having feelings for her boyfriend and having none for me.

And they've only been together for one year, not two years.

[B]To Sera:[/B]

Thanks for the affirmation. I sent my email gracefully bowing out and I will in no way whatsoever remind her that I have feelings for her or that we are anything other than friends. My concern is that I've fixated on her for so long that I don't know how else to live my life but to think of her all day, everyday. However, the remainder of your message deeply bothers me. :p

Meet a girl who is even more meant for me, you say? As far as I recall, all I said about this girl is that we have so much in common and she's perfect for me. In that case, why don't I illustrate exactly how perfect this girl is for me...

- We have practically the same taste in movies and music.
- She has a passion for the English language and is going to be a high school English teacher. She loves writing. She finds an innate beauty in the way words are constructed and put together in prose. I have a passion for the English language. I've wanted to be a writer all my life.
- She wants to go to Japan in a few years to visit and teach English. If there's one place on Earth I want to visit, it's Japan. I'm dying to go there and I'm currently trying to learn the language.
- If I could pick one thing I want in a girl, it would be intelligence. I've been formally tested and I'm very intelligent. However, as smart as I am, I know she's even smarter (she's been tested too). I need someone to mentally stimulate me in a relationship, and not only can she more than do that, but I probably have to keep up with her. Because of this, she's very quick, very witty, which is important to me. High intelligence is a rare thing.
- She's honestly the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life (that includes fashion models and actresses on TV). To me, she just exudes this breathtaking beauty that I've never seen with anyone else.
- She's very compassionate and an absolute humanitarian. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but one day she decided to cut off her long hair (and she loved her long hair dearly) and donate it to kids with cancer. Her and I were sitting by my pool one afternoon and she was staring at the water's edge. She saw a spider on the water trying to climb out of the pool. Now, she's not really a big fan of spiders, yet she took her sandal and put the end down by the water so the spider could climb onto it. But not the bottom of the sandal; she let the spider climb onto the top where she puts her foot, then she put the sandal on the deck and let the spider crawl away.
- She's an absolute romantic. As I've said before, she wrote her first boyfriend overseas a poem and he said "It would take 100 of these to get me to come home." So she actually wrote him 100 heartfelt poems, kissed each one with lipstick and sent them to him. I've never heard anyone be this romantic. If she sent me 100 poems, I don't care if I were in the middle of open-heart surgery, I'd get the doctors to stitch me up then I'd take the next flight out and hug the living crap out of her. Then I would probably write her 100 songs. Anyway, the point is romance is incredibly important to me. And I've never met anyone as romantic as her.
- Ethnicity isn't a deal-breaker for me and I'm not that picky when it comes to it, but if I could pick one ethnicity over any other in a girl, it would be Japanese. And she just happens to be half-Japanese.
- She's very thoughtful. And not just as in remembering special dates or thinking of others, but just generally thoughtful and interested in all aspects of life. I love people who are genuinely interested in the world around them, even down to the quirky little things.
- I'm fairly musically-inclined, and she is as well. And she has the voice of an angel, by the way. ;)
- She has the cutest freckles I've ever seen.
- She has the cutest nose I've ever seen.
- I would prefer brown eyes on a girl and she has the most haunting brown eyes I've ever seen.
- I would prefer dark brown hair on a girl, and being that she's half-Japanese, no matter how she styles it, she has gorgeous dark brown hair.
- She has a beautiful, radiant smile.
- She has a great body.
- And I don't know how they feel, but her lips look amazing.

So if there's actually a better girl out there... well, I can't even conceive of that.

I sent her an email back, saying that I understand everything she's saying and that I agree with everything she's saying. I told her that while it may seem like our friendship is now different, it's really the same. I said I hope she doesn't feel awkward on my behalf and I wouldn't do anything to change our friendship or make her feel uncomfortable or awkward. I said I understand that she's with her boyfriend, and if that's the decision she's made, I'm not going to step in.

Now, if everything hopefully still goes through, I'll be working at the same place as her starting September. This is pretty crucial in my mind, because she'll see me often and see that I'm just a complete good friend, that nothing is awkward, and that I'm a good guy.

After reading that email yesterday, I would have expected myself to be a heap of tears on the floor, but I surprisingly held myself together okay. I actually feel pretty calm and in somewhat good spirits right now. Unfortunately, this may be the calm before the storm. The problem I have now is figuring out how to go on with my life from this point. For the past year I've lived my life thinking about her all day, everyday. It was by far the most painful year of my life and I'm surprised I made it this far. But I know I can't keep going on like this or something bad will happen (if nothing else, living in hell everyday). Now I'm looking at the prospect of maybe having to wait another year or two? I'm trying not to think of it being longer than that, even if it very well may be, because the thought is too painful. And who knows? Maybe it could last another three months.

I always used to be a happy person. I would always look at people who were depressed and thought "Why are you depressed? Why would you want to wallow around in your own misery when you can just be happy?" I always thought of it as a mental switch that each person is in complete control of. I had a system regarding this that worked very well. If it felt like something was wrong or I just had a weird feeling, I would stop myself and ask "What's wrong?" I would identify what was bothering me and think "Okay, what can I do about it?" And it would either be "Okay, I'll do this" and it would be solved, or "Okay, there's nothing I can do about it right now, so I'll just put it out of my mind until I can do something about it." And with that system, I would never get stressed, I would never get depressed. If you listened close enough, you could practically hear "Walking on Sunshine" emanating from me. I was sure that nothing on Earth could make me depressed. But then I reacquainted myself with this girl and she showed me just how wrong I was. It would be like "Okay, what's wrong?" ... "I want to be with her." ... "Okay, what can I do about it?" ... "Absolutely nothing." ... :(

I've lived with this depression for a year, and the real problem is that I know I could probably get out of it if I really wanted to, but I know (I've always known) that I don't want to. I don't know what it is, but as painful as it is, I find a strange comfort in being depressed like this. But I know I have to change this if I want to keep my sanity.

Um, I guess that's it for now.
:( Awwww...poor Jack. I'm so sorry to hear about what happened with you and this girl. Boy, I know how it feels to like a friend a LOT, only to find out later that this person doesnt' feel the same way. :( It's [B]NOT [/B]the greatest feeling in the world.

[B]BUT![/B] You know what?? It's [B]not [/B]the [I]end [/I]of the world either!
I agree with Desmaggie's quote below...especially the parts in bold.

[QUOTE=desmaggie;3153347][B]Don't wait too long for something that may never happen. You have built this girl up on a pedistal. No one is perfect, everyone has there things.[/B] Why don't you try getting out and distance your self from this attraction which seems all consuming from you, it almost seems an your getting a job where she works. Allow yourself to be at least indeferent about other women (rather than saying they're not as good/perfect as her) and see what happens. You're still young and deciding at this point that she is the onlyl one that can make you happy is not healthy in my opinion. Maybe go to some counselling appointments? You don't want to spirl into a depression and in all honesty if she is watching you that isn't going to help attract her. [B]Live your life and live it well, she will see you happy, doing things, seeing other women that may be what she needs to have a light bulb go on in her head and thinks "oh" I do have feelings for him, I didn't realize until I couldn't have him.[/B] And even if that happens it maybe to late you may meet someone else and realize that what you felt for her was infatuation not love.[/QUOTE]

It sounds like you are very consumed by your attraction for this girl. I'm sure she's very wonderful, but unfortunately the [B][U]TRUTH [/U][/B]of the matter is (at least at this point in time) that she is taken...and taken by one of your good friends at that! How would your friend feel if you made a move on his girlfriend?? How would YOU feel if one of your buddies did this to you?? I think there are a lot of different things at play here.

Even if she is attracted to you, she's still with her boyfriend, and still loves him. If she didn't love him, she probably would have left him by now...[U]ESPECIALLY [/U]if she knew that someone else confessed feelings for her.

My BEST advice for you Jack?? Would be to draw back ever so slightly away from her and her boyfriend. Just go out, have fun, and live your life. Find other girls to get to know. Afterall, there was a time when you didn't even KNOW this girl. Just because this girl seems "perfect" doesn't mean that she is the ONLY girl who could have a lot of things in common with you. You may even find down the line that you're attracted to a girl who has many different hobbies than you. Who knows?? Maybe if she sees you with another girl she will notice her attraction for you (if there is any). Just keep in mind however, being attracted to someone physically, and actually being in LOVE with them are two [B]TOTALLY [/B]different things. At least...they are for us girls. ;)

But definitely [B]keep your distance for a little while[/B]. Not only will it help you slowly get over her a little bit, but it will also help you keep your dignity. In fact, my advice would be to quit working where she's working (unless it was strictly pure coincidence that you & she work at the same place), because then things could be VERY awkward. Not only that, but she could start to think that you are trying to follow her, etc. You want to show her that even though you have/had strong feelings for her, you are NOT a [B]CAN [/B]find another girl that you like that will like you back! She is not the be-all, end-all. Sometimes girls can (sad to say) get the impression that a guy is desperate if they simply can't take "no" for an answer. This girl has given you her answer. Believe her. Usually girls don't just outright lie about their feelings for a guy especially if the guy has already come to them and has honestly told the girl how he feels.

[B]PLEASE[/B]...don't beat yourself up Jack. I know life feels hard living right now, but trust me...there will be other girls. You're only what...20 years old?? You're young! I'm sure lots of girls would like to be with you. You just have to take off the blinders in order to see them. Right now, you've been so fixated on this one girl, that you haven't been able to (probably) see any other girls who [I]might [/I]even be interested in [B]YOU[/B]! Once you change your focus away from this girl, you will be able to see the other girls. It's like a camera lense. You've zoomed in so close to this girl, that you have probably missed some other girls in the distance surrounding this girl. Zoom OUT and you might see a world of possibilities with a lot of other different girls. :)
Yeah, I'd like to see how it goes if you take up Walkabout's challenge! :D You can keep us posted on how things are going with meeting these new girls. We can let you know if they're keepers or not. ;) j/k!

But anyway Jack, I hope you don't think I'm coming down too hard on you. To tell you the truth, I've been in your shoes before (well...not literally because that would just be! :) ). Don't believe me?? Just read my thread entitled: "HELP! How should I act around a guy I'm interested in but isn't interested in me??"


[B]MY Story: [/B]

I liked (I mean [B][I]REALLY [/I][/B] liked!) this guy friend of mine. We had a lot in common, had music in common, came from similar backgrounds, were both intelligent and could have deep conversations, etc. BUT...unfortunately, recently it dawned on me that he just didn't feel anything romantically for me. :( He may like me as a person, and as a friend, but I don't get the vibe that he likes me romantically. Not in the way I like him. Like you Jack, before coming to my "revelation", I used to rationalize and analyze his every word/action. We even used to hang out together just the two of us sometimes. But the truth of the matter is...he wasn't making any [B]effort [/B]to pursue me romantically!

At first, I was so blinded by my infatuation for him that unfortunately I couldn't recognize the signs. I mistook his "signs" to be signs of shyness on his part. I felt that if I could just continue to give him more and more "hints" of my interest, then he would one day make a "move". Well, to make a looong story short, I wasted a good YEAR on this guy friend of mine. He never did come out and tell me that he wasn't interested in me like [I]that[/I], but we hung out enough and had enough talks together for him to have made a real move by now. Not only that, but it became clearly evident that he is now interested in ANOTHER girl friend of his.

So, a couple of months ago, I finally decided to move on! Let me tell you....even though it has been kind of tough, so far it has been one of the BEST decisions I have ever made in my life! :D Sure, some days are easier than others, and at times I may feel kind of sad every now and then. But I now feel like I can see CLEARLY now. I am no longer living in a fog...or a rose-colored glass cage. I feel so FREE!

I'm now [B][I]OPENLY [/I][/B]getting to know other guys and am enjoying their company! I emphasize the word "OPENLY" because before, sure...I would be meeting other guys, but in the back of my mind I was always holding out hope for this other guy "friend" of mine. My heart wasn't fully open to them. Now days however, I'm not holding out hope for this guy friend of mine. It's still awkward being around him sometimes, and of course some of the physical attraction is still there, but it's certainly NOT as strong as it was before. The future seems brighter for me than it ever was when I was liking this unattainable guy friend of mine. He may not have been "taken" in the same way that your girl friend is "taken", but emotionally he was unattainable to ME. It was something I had to come to grips with and realize.

So, I'm proof to let you know that this obsession that you have for your girl friend [B]CAN [/B]be overcome. Yes, I say "obsession" because I too was in some way "obsessed" with this guy friend of mine. Sometimes, you like someone for so long, that it just becomes a habit. But habits CAN be broken.

So, if I sometimes seem long-winded, or seem to come down hard on you Jack, it's only because I have been there, and I don't want to see you make the same mistake that I made. :( I don't think anyone deserves to be on the rejecting end of an unrequited love. There are plenty of (guys for me....girls for you) to choose from! Now...go out and find them! ;)
[QUOTE=Jack Smith;3155757]
And if I hold on until they break up and she is interested in me... then everything was worth it. And I would be the happiest man on Earth. I think that's worth fighting for.[/QUOTE]

Thing is Jack - is that personally as a female, when I was in my twenties, I know that quite often I would date a guy, just to date a guy. If someone had asked me then if my boyfriend was the guy I fancied the most, there was times when there was another guy that I secretly had a crush on, but wouldn't obviously say.

But I have to say that if there was another guy that I fancied more than my boyfriend, if he had made his feelings clear, selfish as it may sound, but I wouldn't of (especially at that age) thought twice of dumping my boyfriend to be with the other guy.

Point I am making is, if this relationship doesn't work out, it is probable from what you have already stated about this young girl, that she may then look you up, so that she is not alone. You would then never know if you were a rebound Jack.:(

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