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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


:( Awwww...poor Jack. I'm so sorry to hear about what happened with you and this girl. Boy, I know how it feels to like a friend a LOT, only to find out later that this person doesnt' feel the same way. :( It's [B]NOT [/B]the greatest feeling in the world.

[B]BUT![/B] You know what?? It's [B]not [/B]the [I]end [/I]of the world either!
I agree with Desmaggie's quote below...especially the parts in bold.


[QUOTE=desmaggie;3153347][B]Don't wait too long for something that may never happen. You have built this girl up on a pedistal. No one is perfect, everyone has there things.[/B] Why don't you try getting out and distance your self from this attraction which seems all consuming from you, it almost seems an obsession...now your getting a job where she works. Allow yourself to be at least indeferent about other women (rather than saying they're not as good/perfect as her) and see what happens. You're still young and deciding at this point that she is the onlyl one that can make you happy is not healthy in my opinion. Maybe go to some counselling appointments? You don't want to spirl into a depression and in all honesty if she is watching you that isn't going to help attract her. [B]Live your life and live it well, she will see you happy, doing things, seeing other women that may be what she needs to have a light bulb go on in her head and thinks "oh" I do have feelings for him, I didn't realize until I couldn't have him.[/B] And even if that happens it maybe to late you may meet someone else and realize that what you felt for her was infatuation not love.[/QUOTE]

It sounds like you are very consumed by your attraction for this girl. I'm sure she's very wonderful, but unfortunately the [B][U]TRUTH [/U][/B]of the matter is (at least at this point in time) that she is taken...and taken by one of your good friends at that! How would your friend feel if you made a move on his girlfriend?? How would YOU feel if one of your buddies did this to you?? I think there are a lot of different things at play here.

Even if she is attracted to you, she's still with her boyfriend, and still loves him. If she didn't love him, she probably would have left him by now...[U]ESPECIALLY [/U]if she knew that someone else confessed feelings for her.

My BEST advice for you Jack?? Would be to draw back ever so slightly away from her and her boyfriend. Just go out, have fun, and live your life. Find other girls to get to know. Afterall, there was a time when you didn't even KNOW this girl. Just because this girl seems "perfect" doesn't mean that she is the ONLY girl who could have a lot of things in common with you. You may even find down the line that you're attracted to a girl who has many different hobbies than you. Who knows?? Maybe if she sees you with another girl she will notice her attraction for you (if there is any). Just keep in mind however, being attracted to someone physically, and actually being in LOVE with them are two [B]TOTALLY [/B]different things. At least...they are for us girls. ;)

But definitely [B]keep your distance for a little while[/B]. Not only will it help you slowly get over her a little bit, but it will also help you keep your dignity. In fact, my advice would be to quit working where she's working (unless it was strictly pure coincidence that you & she work at the same place), because then things could be VERY awkward. Not only that, but she could start to think that you are trying to follow her, etc. You want to show her that even though you have/had strong feelings for her, you are NOT a loser...you [B]CAN [/B]find another girl that you like that will like you back! She is not the be-all, end-all. Sometimes girls can (sad to say) get the impression that a guy is desperate if they simply can't take "no" for an answer. This girl has given you her answer. Believe her. Usually girls don't just outright lie about their feelings for a guy especially if the guy has already come to them and has honestly told the girl how he feels.

[B]PLEASE[/B]...don't beat yourself up Jack. I know life feels hard living right now, but trust me...there will be other girls. You're only what...20 years old?? You're young! I'm sure lots of girls would like to be with you. You just have to take off the blinders in order to see them. Right now, you've been so fixated on this one girl, that you haven't been able to (probably) see any other girls who [I]might [/I]even be interested in [B]YOU[/B]! Once you change your focus away from this girl, you will be able to see the other girls. It's like a camera lense. You've zoomed in so close to this girl, that you have probably missed some other girls in the distance surrounding this girl. Zoom OUT and you might see a world of possibilities with a lot of other different girls. :)
Hey Jack... :)


[QUOTE=Jack Smith;3154715]As far as the job goes, I need a job to pay the bills until I can get employment in my field. I actually went to her before I told her I had feelings for her and asked for a favor in regards to getting a job (because she had ties to the place she works--obviously--and to another place where her mom works). She encouraged me to apply for a job where she works and said she'll put in a good word for me. So the wheels were already in motion. [/quote]

Oh okay. Well, that's fine. I mean, things are already set in motion. However, do you think that maybe you could also keep your options open and be looking at some other companies (perhaps ones where this girl doesn't work) for a possible job opportunity?? What if things don't work out with the company where this girl works? I mean, I'm just saying...it would be good to have a back up I guess.

[quote]
And about opening myself up to other girls... I'm not entirely sure if that can happen. For me to actually date another girl, I would have to actually feel an attraction for that girl, I would have to want to date that girl. If I go into a relationship with a different girl while still having these feelings for this girl, I won't end up putting the effort I need to into the relationship. It'll feel like I'm just stringing the girl along while I wait for the girl I really want. I'll feel cheap because of it. I'll end up dampening or limiting the relationship so we don't get too close and there will be an excuse to get out if I need it. And I don't want to do that to a girl; they don't deserve to be treated like that. [/quote]

Well first of all, I'm glad you recognize that going headlong into a relationship with another girl while you still have feelings for this "other" girl wouldn't be a good idea. I'm glad you can see that this wouldn't be fair to a girl who really likes you. You would basically be using her. But two things...First of all, I think you're jumping ahead too soon with the whole "relationship" aspect, and two, I think that you're setting your own self up for failure.

Firstly, I don't think anyone has said that your feelings for this girl will just simply go away overnight. That is not even possible. We as humans just simply can't turn our feelings off and on like a light switch. What I [I]THINK [/I]was advised or encouraged however was you getting out and [B]MEETING [/B]other girls and getting to possibly know other girls. Not so that you could eventually "wait" for this friend of yours to somehow come around. [B]NO!! [/B](That may never happen.) But so that you can continue to live your life and meet other girls. Don't go into things trying to see these girls as "g/f" material right off the bat. At first, perhaps just try to see these girls as simply friends...not "replacements" or "potentials". This will help take some of the pressure off. Just try to open yourself up to at least MEETING other girls...even ones that are attractive. Don't be afraid to be attracted to another girl, or find another girl attractive. I also advised in my previous post that you simply distance yourself from this girl friend that you crave. Not because you're trying to be mean, but because I think it would help you to slowly get over her. You know what they say: "Out of sight...out of mind!" :D It will be hard, but trust me...the less and less you see of her, the less and less you fantasize about her, or you and her together some day, then the easier and easier it will be to get over her. That won't happen overnight though. In order for you to even have hope for the future, you have to first come to grips that things between you and this girl you love can't be. She has already told you this. NOw, I'm not saying that things can't change in the future, but the POINT is, they aren't changing right now. So...why drive yourself crazy over someone who can't see how "wonderful" you are right [B]NOW[/B]?? In order to keep the future bright, you need to go out and meet other girls. That way you know that just because things don't work out with this friend that you really really like, that doesn't mean that it's the end of the world. Hardly!

Secondly....you're already setting yourself up for failure!
Take a look:

[quote]And about opening myself up to other girls... I'm not entirely sure if that can happen.[/quote]

Here, you're already expressing doubt that you will even be able to open yourself up to other girls. :(

[quote]For me to actually date another girl, I would have to actually feel an attraction for that girl, I would have to want to date that girl. [/quote]

Again, you are telling yourself that you will [B]not [/B]be able to feel attraction for another girl in order to "date" her. Like I mentioned earlier, don't jump the gun. Just meeting other girls and getting to know them doesn't mean you have to DATE them. At least not right away. You don't have to date every girl you meet. We just want you to open yourself up to at least getting to know other girls. And another thing, if you tell yourself that will [B]NOT [/B]be able to be attracted to any other girl...well, then guess what?? You [B][I]WON'T [/I][/B]be able to be attracted to any other girl other than "her". You know the saying: Whether you believe you can or you can't, either way...you are correct.

[quote]I'll end up dampening or limiting the relationship so we don't get too close and there will be an excuse to get out if I need it.[/quote]

Here you go again...writing the script. You haven't even met another girl/dated another girl, and already you are telling yourself that you would be trying to get out of the relationship. :(

[quote]
[B]Plus I absolutely hate the thought of me having to be in a relationship with another girl for this girl to realize she has feelings for me.[/B] I hope this isn't the case because that feels extremely cheap to me. [/quote]

Well, I don't know about the other poster who mentioned this, but when I was talking about dating other girls, it wasn't so your friend could THEN feel jealous and then see you as bf potential. No...that wasn't my intention at all. What I said was that IF you start to just live your life, meet and/date other girls, you may find that your friend MAY start to see you in a different light and see what she COULD be having. But notice...I said [B][I]MIGHT[/I][/B]. I didn't say that your being in another relationship with another woman would help this girl realize she has feelings for you. For this to happen, she would have to have romantic feelings for you in the first place, and she has already expressed to you that she doesn't. Plus, if it takes you being with another woman for HER to realize how she feels about you, well then how "spectacular" is that?? :confused: Personally, [B][I]THAT [/I][/B]would feel cheap to me also.

Bottom line though, I would stop thinking that you even have a chance with this girl, because even if she DID have feelings for you, the truth of the matter is, she is NOT leaving her boyfriend (not now at least), so what does that tell you?? And if she has told you that she is sorry but that she just doesn't feel the same way, then it might be better to believe her, instead of holding out for a false hope that [I]something [/I]may happen between you two in the future. If you keep holding on to a thread of hope that something down the line could happen between you and this girl, then you'll [B]NEVER [/B]get over her! Don't let unrequited love consume you. You deserve to be loved by someone who loves you just as much as you do in return. You are worth it! Don't settle for being second-best. And don't hold out hope for so long. You won't be able to live your life. The only person you'll really end up cheating is yourself. :(

[quote]So basically, in order for me to date another girl and put my heart into it, I can't feel what I feel for this girl. And I don't see that happening.[/QUOTE]
Again, please...stop telling yourself these negative thoughts. Don't set yourself up for failure.





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