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Relationship Health Message Board


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As I have said before, why does chemistry strike so often when it is impossible?? It is not fair sometimes. However, Jack, the main thing on my mind is that you have never spoken to this girl about how you feel. What would happen if you did, and she said "You are a sweet guy, but......" Would your life be over? You have put a lot of your hopes into this girl without having any idea whether or not she would or could reciprocate. The options that you have are; tell her in some way, preferably through a third party, how you feel; forget her; or wait patiently til she is between bfs. I think the the first option is pretty risky, that is why a third party would be better, just to test the waters - the second is what you definitely DON'T want to do. That leaves option #3 which is a bit discouraging, and this is going to be hard to pull off without coming off like a stalker (as you would have to be informed about her state of bf-ness). I think your only hope is option #1, at least to get her attention and see what comes of it. Good luck, Sera
[QUOTE=Jack Smith;3063119] I would never say anything insincere to her.[/QUOTE]

Fair enough, you wouldnt be insincere deliberatly, I get that you love the girl; but be careful how you phrase your words, because if I got a letter along the lines of the one you're considering sending and it included "I really dont want to come between you and your bf" that would read as insincere to me. (and you can be pretty sure it'd read that way to her bf too, lol)

[QUOTE=Jack Smith;3063119]And I don't understand what you were trying to say in your second-last post. Waiting or her getting pregnant? What? [/QUOTE]

If you decide to wait around till her relationship comes to a natural end before you make your move, that is to assume that it WILL come to a natural end, and you have no assurance of that; it is optimism on your part. She could end up marrying the guy and having his child. It's the route a lot of relationships take. I dont know what's so hard to understand about that.

Have you never considered it as a possibility? Is there something you perceive in their relationship that tells you that could never happen? If you think that because he's behaved like an arsehole, bingo, that's it; you can forget it. Women marry and settle with arseholes all the time, mores the pity for us. Maybe it never will happen, but eleven months is not eleven weeks; there's obviously something keeping her there...
:( Awwww...poor Jack. I'm so sorry to hear about what happened with you and this girl. Boy, I know how it feels to like a friend a LOT, only to find out later that this person doesnt' feel the same way. :( It's [B]NOT [/B]the greatest feeling in the world.

[B]BUT![/B] You know what?? It's [B]not [/B]the [I]end [/I]of the world either!
I agree with Desmaggie's quote below...especially the parts in bold.


[QUOTE=desmaggie;3153347][B]Don't wait too long for something that may never happen. You have built this girl up on a pedistal. No one is perfect, everyone has there things.[/B] Why don't you try getting out and distance your self from this attraction which seems all consuming from you, it almost seems an obsession...now your getting a job where she works. Allow yourself to be at least indeferent about other women (rather than saying they're not as good/perfect as her) and see what happens. You're still young and deciding at this point that she is the onlyl one that can make you happy is not healthy in my opinion. Maybe go to some counselling appointments? You don't want to spirl into a depression and in all honesty if she is watching you that isn't going to help attract her. [B]Live your life and live it well, she will see you happy, doing things, seeing other women that may be what she needs to have a light bulb go on in her head and thinks "oh" I do have feelings for him, I didn't realize until I couldn't have him.[/B] And even if that happens it maybe to late you may meet someone else and realize that what you felt for her was infatuation not love.[/QUOTE]

It sounds like you are very consumed by your attraction for this girl. I'm sure she's very wonderful, but unfortunately the [B][U]TRUTH [/U][/B]of the matter is (at least at this point in time) that she is taken...and taken by one of your good friends at that! How would your friend feel if you made a move on his girlfriend?? How would YOU feel if one of your buddies did this to you?? I think there are a lot of different things at play here.

Even if she is attracted to you, she's still with her boyfriend, and still loves him. If she didn't love him, she probably would have left him by now...[U]ESPECIALLY [/U]if she knew that someone else confessed feelings for her.

My BEST advice for you Jack?? Would be to draw back ever so slightly away from her and her boyfriend. Just go out, have fun, and live your life. Find other girls to get to know. Afterall, there was a time when you didn't even KNOW this girl. Just because this girl seems "perfect" doesn't mean that she is the ONLY girl who could have a lot of things in common with you. You may even find down the line that you're attracted to a girl who has many different hobbies than you. Who knows?? Maybe if she sees you with another girl she will notice her attraction for you (if there is any). Just keep in mind however, being attracted to someone physically, and actually being in LOVE with them are two [B]TOTALLY [/B]different things. At least...they are for us girls. ;)

But definitely [B]keep your distance for a little while[/B]. Not only will it help you slowly get over her a little bit, but it will also help you keep your dignity. In fact, my advice would be to quit working where she's working (unless it was strictly pure coincidence that you & she work at the same place), because then things could be VERY awkward. Not only that, but she could start to think that you are trying to follow her, etc. You want to show her that even though you have/had strong feelings for her, you are NOT a loser...you [B]CAN [/B]find another girl that you like that will like you back! She is not the be-all, end-all. Sometimes girls can (sad to say) get the impression that a guy is desperate if they simply can't take "no" for an answer. This girl has given you her answer. Believe her. Usually girls don't just outright lie about their feelings for a guy especially if the guy has already come to them and has honestly told the girl how he feels.

[B]PLEASE[/B]...don't beat yourself up Jack. I know life feels hard living right now, but trust me...there will be other girls. You're only what...20 years old?? You're young! I'm sure lots of girls would like to be with you. You just have to take off the blinders in order to see them. Right now, you've been so fixated on this one girl, that you haven't been able to (probably) see any other girls who [I]might [/I]even be interested in [B]YOU[/B]! Once you change your focus away from this girl, you will be able to see the other girls. It's like a camera lense. You've zoomed in so close to this girl, that you have probably missed some other girls in the distance surrounding this girl. Zoom OUT and you might see a world of possibilities with a lot of other different girls. :)
Yeah, I'd like to see how it goes if you take up Walkabout's challenge! :D You can keep us posted on how things are going with meeting these new girls. We can let you know if they're keepers or not. ;) j/k!

But anyway Jack, I hope you don't think I'm coming down too hard on you. To tell you the truth, I've been in your shoes before (well...not literally because that would just be creepy...lol! :) ). Don't believe me?? Just read my thread entitled: "HELP! How should I act around a guy I'm interested in but isn't interested in me??"

[url]http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=524964[/url]


[B]MY Story: [/B]

I liked (I mean [B][I]REALLY [/I][/B] liked!) this guy friend of mine. We had a lot in common, had music in common, came from similar backgrounds, were both intelligent and could have deep conversations, etc. BUT...unfortunately, recently it dawned on me that he just didn't feel anything romantically for me. :( He may like me as a person, and as a friend, but I don't get the vibe that he likes me romantically. Not in the way I like him. Like you Jack, before coming to my "revelation", I used to rationalize and analyze his every word/action. We even used to hang out together just the two of us sometimes. But the truth of the matter is...he wasn't making any [B]effort [/B]to pursue me romantically!

At first, I was so blinded by my infatuation for him that unfortunately I couldn't recognize the signs. I mistook his "signs" to be signs of shyness on his part. I felt that if I could just continue to give him more and more "hints" of my interest, then he would one day make a "move". Well, to make a looong story short, I wasted a good YEAR on this guy friend of mine. He never did come out and tell me that he wasn't interested in me like [I]that[/I], but we hung out enough and had enough talks together for him to have made a real move by now. Not only that, but it became clearly evident that he is now interested in ANOTHER girl friend of his.

So, a couple of months ago, I finally decided to move on! Let me tell you....even though it has been kind of tough, so far it has been one of the BEST decisions I have ever made in my life! :D Sure, some days are easier than others, and at times I may feel kind of sad every now and then. But I now feel like I can see CLEARLY now. I am no longer living in a fog...or a rose-colored glass cage. I feel so FREE!

I'm now [B][I]OPENLY [/I][/B]getting to know other guys and am enjoying their company! I emphasize the word "OPENLY" because before, sure...I would be meeting other guys, but in the back of my mind I was always holding out hope for this other guy "friend" of mine. My heart wasn't fully open to them. Now days however, I'm not holding out hope for this guy friend of mine. It's still awkward being around him sometimes, and of course some of the physical attraction is still there, but it's certainly NOT as strong as it was before. The future seems brighter for me than it ever was when I was liking this unattainable guy friend of mine. He may not have been "taken" in the same way that your girl friend is "taken", but emotionally he was unattainable to ME. It was something I had to come to grips with and realize.

So, I'm proof to let you know that this obsession that you have for your girl friend [B]CAN [/B]be overcome. Yes, I say "obsession" because I too was in some way "obsessed" with this guy friend of mine. Sometimes, you like someone for so long, that it just becomes a habit. But habits CAN be broken.

So, if I sometimes seem long-winded, or seem to come down hard on you Jack, it's only because I have been there, and I don't want to see you make the same mistake that I made. :( I don't think anyone deserves to be on the rejecting end of an unrequited love. There are plenty of (guys for me....girls for you) to choose from! Now...go out and find them! ;)





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