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Hit me hard
Jun 24, 2007
Im ready to post now. Just need to vent and gain support to help me along although to be honest, I am doing quite well- Im proud to say. But the post israther long, sorry.
Last time I posted, I was breaking up with my boyfriend. But as usual, i couldnt hack it and we got back together.
Well, months on, it is finally over. I can feel it inside of me. This is it.
Things hadnt been going well, as most of you know. Will recap a little although Ill no doubt miss details, but hopefully some of you will remember more than I type.
Got together with boyfriend in June 2005. Broke up in Jan 2006 because I had kept breaking up with him because I was insecure...due to him saying in October 2005 that he loved me, then taking it back a few weeks later. He started seeing someone a few weeks after our break up (someone who had been on the scene). I tried my best to win him back, but he didnt want to know. In May/ June 2006 she broke up with him, and he came back to me, wanting to give things antoher go. He explained to me, she was just a rebound, he couldnt stop thinking about me but couldnt come back because he was emotionally messed up blah blah blah. The following few months were good. Very good. I had no regrets. But then in October 2006, I asked him, "Do you love me?" He replied he didnt know. We argued lots about stupid things. Things went downfill since Jan 2007. I kept wanting to break up, told him we were breaking up, but then Id always go back. Something held me back. He kept begging for more time, for me to help him with his emotions etc that he was desperate to fall in love with me but the arguments were holding him back. He explained he didnt want to miserable like we were Dec 2005. Lots of other things have happened since Jan. One major thing for me was him going on holiday with his friends, when I had asked him to come with me- overheard him talking, he ahdnt even told me. Another thing...found out more about him and this girl- they had slept more than once (he had lied to me) and they hadnt used protection. Had found out this girls ex was sleeping around. Made me feel sick. Yeah sure, I should have asked him about it before, but I thought he wouldnt put me at risk like that. What hurt most of all is "Im a very trusting person, I trusted her like I trusted you" Bearing in mind they jumped straight into bed and I made him wait 6 months, and explained I had only been with one person before him. Anyway. I was crushed. But he kept repliying "Ive got nothing to make up for etc etc" and yeah we were finished and he had every right to be with whoever, but the fact he kept saying that showed he didnt really appreciate how hurt I was. Things went downhill since then. After that revelation, we argued like mad. The next day, I drove to his house to talk. I had to go. But asked him to come with me because I didnt want to be on my own because I was emotional and would have cried on my own (stupid i know). He moaned because he wanted to go tv shopping with his dad. that hurt. Told him Ii didnt want to see him. But still got him a valentines present- expensive present. what did he get me? a picture a month and a half later.

Fast forward....We had been arguing a lot. Nothing new. Gosh I wish I ended this back when I posted last. But I guess I needed these events to reinforce it to myself thatthis guy is no good. selfish. anal. hes always been like this but i couldnt see before. love is blind. hurts so much- but im not going into breakdown. not like before when he ignored my love.

Last week, I wanted to see him after work on Thursday. He replied "but, Im going for a run." I live far frm this guy, and I was only 20mins away and he wanted to go for a run when I was relatively only round the corner. I wasnt hurt. But then Tuesday, before his gig the next evening, it hit me bad. So I messaged him "I cant come to your gig tomorrow night because I am going for a run." I was hoping he would call me back to say sorry for last week but I didnt. the following day, I got no call from him all day. I was even meant to be meeting his parents at the gig- something he had been wanting for along time. But when it came down to it. He is all talk and no action kinda guy. Last min, I txt him saying I cannot not come. All I got was "ok." Hhe didnt give me instructions or anything. He didnt care if I came or not. I tried calling him but he kept messaging me "dont mess me around, come or not come, up to you" and things like that. I wouldnt expect that of someone I had loved for two years. All his friends were there. Even an ex gf. One of his female friends had receieved 6 missed calls from him because he was so keen to have her there. what did i get? nothing. I managed to find out where it was and take a friend. I was so mad that when I got there, I ignopred him before he went up on stage. His parents were at the back of the room. His mum kept looking at me.After the performance I left with my friend. Called him on the way out, he kept thanking me for coming. He didnt call me back to meet his aprents. I felt so embarrassed- his parents wanted to meet me. They saw me there. and we didnt even meet. His mum esp had wanted to meet me.
Later on in the evening, I called him to say it was over. He said "yes, ill speak to you tomorrow like i always do, and maybe meet up" He didnt take my talk seriously. dont blame him. the next day, we got into bad argument Hhe told me "youre not the centre of my univese, no girl will be" and "i need time to do other things in my life that wont always involve you" *** i told him to **** off. he kept saying "ill see you tomorrow" i was shaking because I was so mad.
next day, exchanged one or two messsages, about my haircut, he said it was nice etc and i asked him if he wanted his birthday present back, he replied no. and that was it. no contact since then.
Maybe he is waiting for my call. or doesnt care either way- which is more likely.
Sometimes I think he has done all this to make me break up with him.
Cant believe who he has turned into.
God, I loved him so much.
Hurts that he said a few weeks ago in an argument "gutted, youve wasted two years on someone who doesnt love you" he said sorry a million times for that but its true. what a fool i have been. im an intelligent girl, what the hell happened to me????????????????
Well, he is out of the picture now. Im doing ok. Cried a few times, most of the time because Im so angry. But thats good, right? good to be angry. But Im ok.
Im just feeling like such a fool.

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