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Ok, so on his birthday, they invited him ON HIS OWN, to celebrate his birthday. He went the next day, and his sister sent him back videos of him blowing candles, laughing and joking which is GREAT but extremely rude to me having been left excluded here. I didn't mind because he at least spent the proper day with me.
Well, it's her birthday soon! She has taken time off work to cook a meal for him and her female friends. They are all single around his age (late 30s), possibly also his ex will be a guest too because she is close friends with her! He IS going tomorrow and his defence of her caused a lot of argument between us. He said that her proper party is on Friday but he didn't want to leave me alone on a Friday. She has not invited me, not even sent me a card in my birthday. She wants me to feel an outsider, which I don't mind if they leave us alone. Now she's he's sister and I feel bad asking him not to go but my blood is fuming LITERALLY. I don't know how to handle this non-stop. It hurts me the wat she keeps on excluding me from every occasion. NOT THAT I would ever want to go. I am sick of all of this. Is this unfair on him and them? This is what he makes it appear to be.
Is this your husband or boyfriend? Just curious.

I think you do have a right to be hurt. I am shocked that your man would allow his family to treat you this way. He needs to step up and tell his family that you are a part of their family now. I know he probably thinks he's easing tensions by keeping you all apart, but in the long run this is not a good idea. What if you two have kids one day? This whole keeping his sister and wife apart thing is not going to work for long.

Have you asked him point blank why he hasn't stood up for you?
Please elaborate on your relationship. How long have you been together? Did you have a fight with his sister or does she just not like you for no reason?
Thank you Pa, his sister (and mum) don't like me because he has a son with an ex who is their friend. His ex stopped him from seeing his son because he's with me. So they see it all my mistake. Also because of my ethnicity, he's English and I am a mix of Middle-Eastern/Russian. We have been together for about 4 years, married for 1. Their relationship with him improved since they started inviting his ex to sleep in his mum's in the summers and arranging for them both to meet, in the name of the son.
Nina,

The only way this mess is going to be cleaned up is if your husband does something about it. Have you asked him why he hasn't asked his sister and mom to be nicer to you? Would you honestly try if they tried?

In your original post, you said you wouldn't want go to the party even if you were invited. If that's true, then why are you so upset? You have to genuinely want to try to mend things otherwise it's better to have no contact than superficial tension-filled contact.
nina, you can't ask him not to go. I'm still confused as to why you married this bloke, when these problems were on the table long before you said i do....
did you think they would miraculously disappear when you got the ring on your finger? This has been going on from day 1......these in laws of yours don't respect you or your feelings and neither does this guy you married.....
how long are you planning on living like this? it's not going to change.....
Thank you Pa, let me put it clearer: I have tried so hard to gain acceptance. I happened to meet them one New Year and I tried in everyway possible to be nice and pleasant. I have spent a lot of money that NewYear and every Christams buying them (and her ) gifts although I am only a student. Money does not buy the right, I know. They knew when they met me that I was a lot higher than their expectations. His dad is great to me. The reason why I said I wouldn't go is because I hate to feel that I am intruding. I guess that this is what I have felt the 2 times that I have met them. He had to beg them in the first couple of years to accept going out on his birthday together with me and his mum would consider this a great offence to his EX and SON!
I am very shy in real life, even when people are very friendly and receptive to me so I feel like it is going to drain me to be somewhere where I feel slightly unwelcome. I have treated this sister of his and his dad very nicely when they came ONCE and only that time because they had something to do in the city where we are. I took them out to the most expensive restaurant and treated them very well. As I said, his dad is a lovely person and he asked to speak to me a week ago, but he has no word in his house. The others don't express their rejection to me directly but through acts like this. So this is why I said what I said.
Thanks Rose, this is a question that I keep asking myself, although at the time when I accepted him as a husband I was hoping that their influence on us will become less, and I did need to settle down. I know that this is NOT settling but yes I guess I have been a bit too naive to think that. I don't want him to have to chose. It is not me who is asking for that. I thought to myself that I am content to live without in-laws. I don't mind. I thought that we could just be happy together as a couple. He does show me that he loves me in many other ways. This is why I feel STUCK. I have told him that I don't mind him going tomorrow. This is all I can do although it still makes me a bit angry but this happens once every few months. An unpleasant must. I have to take it I guess, just needed to vent!
[QUOTE=Nina000;3064508]Thanks Rose, this is a question that I keep asking myself, although at the time when I accepted him as a husband I was hoping that their influence on us will become less, and I did need to settle down. I know that this is NOT settling but yes I guess I have been a bit too naive to think that. I don't want him to have to chose. It is not me who is asking for that. I thought to myself that I am content to live without in-laws. I don't mind. I thought that we could just be happy together as a couple. He does show me that he loves me in many other ways. This is why I feel STUCK. I have told him that I don't mind him going tomorrow. This is all I can do although it still makes me a bit angry but this happens once every few months. An unpleasant must. I have to take it I guess, just needed to vent![/QUOTE]

Nina, how about a different approach.....when he goes in situations like this in the future, why don't you look at it as a little treat for you......make plans with your friends, go get a pedicure, manicure, massage, etc......
that way, you are conditioning yourself, that when he goes, it's a good thing for you and you will look forward to it.
Now I am a little bit more clear why your husband doesn't stand up to his mother and sister. Apparently it's the women who have all the power in the family. I mean, his own father doesn't even have a say in his own house!

Unfortunately you can't ask him not to go because it is sister. But like Rose said, why not make other special plans just for you? You don't have to deal with those wretched in-laws and you get to do something just for you.
Oh thanks for the suggestion. I would love to do so despite being really so used to him being around (WRONG I KNOW and I am trying to change here). This was also part of the problem: choosing not the exactly right time to go. I only recieve my grant (and him his wages) in a couple more days. So by going there, I do have to compromise on luxuries :rolleyes: like personal treats and care !!!!! because he needs to buy her a gift , and not any gift! I will end up spending the WHOLE day studying, which I have to do anyway but I feel a bit low regarding deadlines and that. It's only that when he's around, I, at least, talk! have a coffee with him or go out for half an hour and play a game together or cook a meal or something.
Thanks for the thought, yes I will just go out to the library and have a coffee in some student reasonable place ! This sounds better now. Thanks.
It is really difficult, but I am trying to put myself in your position. You know what? Id say f*** em. I would look down on them for embarrassing themselves to continue to behave like that. It is difficult, but look at it that way. You dont need their approval. Just feel sorry for them. They obviously have no shame.
It may be difficult for him to stand up to them, although he should, I can understand it would be difficult. Id find it difficult to stand up to my family if they werent so keen on my hubby.

Dont let people like that bring you down, please. It isnt worth it. So what?
Find a new hobby to do whilst your hubby does the family thing with his family/ You do your own thing- something better than spending time with that kinda group of people. honestly :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
I would probably do one of two things, being the PITA that I am:

1. Go anyway, and act as though it was completely natural that I was there, to make a point that any party my husband is invited to - I am naturally welcome, as his wife, because that's what marriage is about.

2. Tell my husband it sucks that he feels no desire to stand up for me, like a real man, and tell his sister he's married and that the woman he loves is welcome regardless - and they better get used to it, so I'll stop participating and trying to fit in until they reach out to me - that includes gifts, calls, dinners etc.

Period.

You say you don't care about these things, but as far as I remember sweetie - this has ALWAYS bothered you (not being accepted - while they flaunt his EX around due to her child with him as if that gives her more right to their kindness and favor). Sure, in an ideal world being married would mean it's just the two of you, but he's obviously close to his cruel family and this is not going to change any time soon. Time to decide how you are going to deal with this for the next 20+ years - and sulking and having to spend your own time doing different things because his family are a bunch of jerks doesn't sound like the best solution. :\

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but I hope you realize that you have been dealing with this for 4 years and something has to change in the way you deal with it or it will always be this way :(
I think her going anyway would cause more problems and un necessary hurt. But without seeing them and communicating, in order to improve the situation, the only other option would be for him to talk to the family. Has he tried? Doesnt seem that way to me. Isnt it important for him to include you in family matters? youre his wife.

nina- how about some counselling? i dont think there is any other option. how long is this going to continue for??
Thank you both for replying, AJ, I have read your post but couldn't yet reply in detail...but I also hope that you break this cycle of hurt too.
Destea, I totally agree with you that this can't work in the long run. It is like I have started to accept that some days are just going to be like this one, low and miserable but I couldn't achieve anything out of talking to him. Now he has been grumpy the whole evening and I even feel more weighed down, so I guess that I don't want to deepen their influence any further.
I can't be bothered to make the effort and force myself on them. It is against my principles to beg their acceptance but I see where you are coming from. This is why I am angry.
What bothers me the most is that, they only want him to be around when they please. He tried before but they are way too biased by their friendship with his ex who spends her holidays in his mum's and his sister's EVERY SINGLE HOLIDAY and BIRTHDAY that they celebrate!!
I, in fact, remember that 2 years ago, they arranged for a family trip abroad for EVERYONE EXCEPT HIM on his birthday (the same exact day). I was shocked that they did that but he said that it was ok ??? Anyway, I felt that they were making themselves heard loud and clear then regarding how much they cared about him. I will try and manage and not let them spoil my day.
Oh I don't mean to go to beg for their acceptance, heck no. I mean to go and ENFORCE your position in your husbands life. They need to get used to you, it sounds like you typically just back out and let them have their way, how will they ever get accustomed to that not being acceptable if you never go? Or only go once in a very great while?

Your husband definitely has to be in this with you though, you can't do it on your own if he refuses to help. It's not even necessarily a matter of 'loving you' or 'being super close' to you (on his families part) - it's just accepting that you ARE his wife, and thus a part of the family - and tough. That's how it is.

Unfortunately he'd have to try more than once or twice to get this in there, and he'd have to stand his ground. If he just brings this up, but then follows along when they disrespect you he's not really making a very strong case for his feelings :(

Oh well.. either way you have to do with what you're comfortable doing. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it, either way!
Hi Nina, I am one of those lurkers that has kept up to date with your story. Here is my take, you married your husband and therefore I believe marriage is above everything else (except on equal footing with children). If his family are continually rude to you then HE SHOULD DEFINATELY place your feelings and your respect above any party or any outing. If they are disrespecting your feelings by being so damm well rude, crude and just spiteful then he should protect you and stand up for you and tell them all that if they do not accept you then you as a couple will not be attending any functions. I can not believe how he lets them manipulate every single situation and worse yet excludes you. They sound like dreadul people and unless your husband stands up for you and cherishes and loves you above all I would leave him.

And yes I would definately 100% expect him not to attend an event if I have been excluded intentionally.
I tend to agree with Destea here...you are his wife, you are his legal partner, you have status in fact and in law. Enforce it. Don't let them treat you like a second-class person, as if you were his bit on the side, because that is what is happening. Go with him, invited or not, stick next to his side and keep doing it until they accept that the two of you are a unit. If this keeps up, how would you like any kids you have being treated like his by-blow b******ds by their grandparents. I am appalled that your husband is not enforcing this with you. Does he see you as his bit on the side, not equal to be mixing with his family as well? I cannot imagine in one million years my husband allowing ANYONE to treat me in this way. Sera
blah blah blah....lay down the law, blah blah blah, your his wife, etc.
yes that's all good and well, but it's not going to happen. there is large gap here between what is and what should be.......
nina, let me simiplify it....I don't think you're being unfair, but I think your being unrealistic expecting anything to change......it's not going to, and why would you ever think it would? You accepted this situation when you married him. I can't put myself in your situation because I would have never put myself in your situation. You didn't choose wisely, and now you're whining about it. Sorry Nina, I've been reading this stuff for years and I don't understand why you went and married him......as they say, you made your bed.....I'm sorry nina, that's the fact.....no offense
:angel:
I have to agree with Rose. Getting married to this guy was a HUGE mistake, because these problems all existed way before you guys got married (according to your posts on here) and now nothing has changed, which is not a big surprise. I agree with the others about what he SHOULD do, but he is NOT GOING TO do it, and that's why this is a lose-lose situation for you.

I personally never would have married this guy. He has been nothing but trouble since the very beginning. It has been one drama after another after another, BEFORE you guys even got married! I can't understand why you went through with it. But regardless, you did go through with it and now you're way more stuck in this than you would have been if you never got married. There's not much you can do except accept it and move on or tell him that you've had enough of him not standing up to his family for you, and leave. And be done with it.

Personally, I think you should leave. I really don't think this relationship has any reason to continue. It sounds like it's just non-stop drama and that's something I personally don't tolerate. I just don't see why you are still with him at all.
Thank you all for your replies. He is on his way back, he has spent there only a couple of hours! He left me a nice note in the morning and some money to go out..yeah, I think he's feeling guilty. Anyway, I feel better thanks for your help and yes I did make a full use of my day (had my hair done with his money haha)
Thanks for responses. They really helped.
Why dont you have a serious word with this man when he gets home Nina hon? This situation will NEVER be resolved unless YOU resolve it. Unlike some of the other posters, I DO believe these situations can be resolved, but I think there is a long hard road ahead when you're talking about refusing to accept behaviours you've always accepted (I should know, look at the BS my man is currently putting me through!)

If it takes you packing your bags and frightening the life out of your husband next time this issue comes up, that's what I think you should do.
Hey Nina,

I've read a few of the posts here and I just wanted to add that if my husband wouldn't stand up for me and our relationship then I'd totally expect that he not go at all. When he chose me to be his wife he chose ME for better or worse and this is a worse-case scenario. It sounds like his mom and sister like to control him and surely judge him and maybe he believes that how they feel is right. He's got to realize that if their leaving you out is making you unhappy it's not right. It's his responsibility to show his family what behavior he expects of THEM towards YOU. And if they don't treat you acceptably then NEITHER of you will be coming around.

I also understand them(his mom and sister) having a nice relationship with the child and his/her mother, but he can also be a big boy and contact the mom for his own time with his child. There's absolutely NO reason he should be expected to leave you at home and go spend time with his ex and child at his mom's house!! Especially when there are such harsh feelings toward you....I'd be very careful of that situation. The in-laws seem to have no cares for you whatsoever, so you just have to care for yourself here. And let your husband know you're sick of it and that you KNOW you deserve better and are going to get it! You have to be in charge of your own happiness....

I hope I don't sound too harsh myself. I do demand certain things out of my marriage, but I also demand certain things out of myself. If there's some way I feel I'm being treated unfairly I try and communicate it as delicately and effectively as possible so my husband doesn't feel attacked. Communication is so important. And we really are working on it for the rest of our lives if we're lucky enough to be married that long. Just know that your marriage, if it's going to be a happy one, will always be a work in progress! And as long as both of you are optamistic you'll be ok! Communicate, and when you get stuck--butting heads or whatever--then write in a journal your own feelings. You'll be surprised how many new ways to see things are brought to your attention, if you don't write already. With every new way of seeing the situation try a new approach with your husband. Something's gotta work! Best of luck to you!
You knew he was like this before you married him...so why did you? I dont get that. You knew his parents were selfish snobby people and so was his exwife. Get out while you can. I would never be or stay married to any man that didnt put me above all else. (unless it was my kids) You arent even saying that he puts his kid first. NO no no just the whiny bitches that are his family that havent been smacked upside the head and told that they are witches and put in their place by you.

I agree with rose, i'd never been in that situation. But if i for some reason were, love or no love i'd be gone. You have posted about this before so i assume you are still living with the same crap. You can post here all you want but we have all already said what we have said. The best thing for you to do is get out but you are not listening. There is only so much we can say. sorry
I don't consider HIM to be in any way a bad husband at all. There is no marriage/person that is perfect. NO thank you I am not going to leave him because of a bunch of ignorants around him and a jealous middle-aged ex. I know he loves me in many other ways. He is doing his best and he has turned down many of their plans that did not accommodate me.
Yes I do feel down sometimes (and so does he) but who doesn't? I am not coming here asking for a miracle panacea for small brains and the small attitudes they express. Thanks.
[QUOTE=Nina000;3068004]I don't consider HIM to be in any way a bad husband at all. There is no marriage/person that is perfect. NO thank you I am not going to leave him because of a bunch of ignorants around him and a jealous middle-aged ex. I know he loves me in many other ways. He is doing his best and he has turned down many of their plans that did not accommodate me.
Yes I do feel down sometimes (and so does he) but who doesn't? I am not coming here asking for a miracle panacea for small brains and the small attitudes they express. Thanks.[/QUOTE]

wow that's what happens a lot here. someone comes complaining about their partner, others respond based on the information given by the original poster, and then the original posters backtracks and gets defensive and starts posting about how it's not that bad, etc. Nina we're on your side, all we know is what you've told us, and from what you've told us, he's not all that great. He still has something with the ex.....a while back it was the cell phone issue, now it's the birthday issue, it's always something. Why are we small minded for pointing that out to you? If you didn't notice this stuff before you got married, you just werent paying attention. When you get advice you don't like you start name calling. I don't appreciate that.
:angel:
Gosh I didn't mean that YOU are small minded!!! I meant people around him who refuse to acknowledge us as a couple for no legitimate reason! Anyway Rose, I am not going to DEFEND anything because I am not accused to start with. BUT THANKS.
[QUOTE=Nina000;3068321]Gosh I didn't mean that YOU are small minded!!! I meant people around him who refuse to acknowledge us as a couple for no legitimate reason! Anyway Rose, I am not going to DEFEND anything because I am not accused to start with. BUT THANKS.[/QUOTE]

sorry Nina - I thought you meant us.....I didn't realize you meant the family, but I agree they are small minded. Sorry for the misunderstanding
:angel:
No probs, I know such misunderstandings happen sometimes :) and I DO appreciate all your opinions, they kept me sane for so long. I may be only tired of thinking about all this crap from them so I try not to dwell on it when it the cloud clears. ...So I just find this so hard to sort out. I can see where you are all coming from.....
so nina wait, he doesnt like what they do either? so why does he let it happen? Do they even let him see the child at your house? WHy doenst he strap on a pair and tell them to go bleep bleep themselves. LOL

Is he scared that she will take the child away from him for good? He has rights and she cant. All he has to do is fight if that is what it comes to. Why does he allow this garbage from his mother I'd a told mom off a long time ago.

My dh said that if he parents could not have accepted me he would have had no problem at all with never seeing them again. Of course they never did and we all love eachother and htey come over every weekend, i wish they could come more often but oh well, htey live an hour away.

You need to think long and hard over this. What if you have a child of your own and is a half sibling to his child and you cant even see it therefore those kids wont be raised as siblings. Do they even let you be a stepmom?

So serious crap going on here and he is the root. He IS the man and HE needs to put his foot down with his family and his ex. He can go to court and make her drop the child off at your house or he can go get the child to bring to your house for hte weekends or longer in the summer. There are laws, he doenst have to keep letting Mommy dearest and his ex keep squeezing his balls. God what a bunch of silver spoon fed spoiled rotten, no one ever yelled at them in their lives witches. And again I am not sure if i asked this before... But have you ever told off his mother for doing the crap that she has done, becuse you need to. you are his wife not her and she doesnt run how the kid gets seen or when the ex is there or isnt there.

If i were your dh i would tell mom that unless my wife comes i wont. Not this not going over , i mean really telling her this is why i am not going and wont ever go again unless you start acting like a human being. He let his mother be this way all this time and this is why she is the monster she is.
[QUOTE=Nina000;3068004]I don't consider HIM to be in any way a bad husband at all.[/QUOTE]

My point was just that a lot of your posts here seem to indicate otherwise. Your frustration level about all of this is rising and has not gotten better, only worse. So I'm just saying, there comes a point where you have to ask yourself whether his inability to do anything about the problem is ok with you, or whether you feel he should take a stand. He will never take a stand, and that is clear. If you're ok with living that way, then that's fine. But from all indications of your posts, I would say that it's not ok, and that's why you post so frequently about something else that happened lately that he didn't stand up to them about. It's a never ending pattern that will never stop as long as you stay with him. That's all I'm saying.
Thank you all, mumof4 you really cracked me up with the witches squeezing that stuff :D
Seriously, ok, how can I put it? His mum is getting old and she wants to see her grandchild, and he wants to see his son. I perfectly understand this. The thing is, his ex stopped him from seeing his son the 2+ years of our relationship, and threatens to always do so if I am EVER part of the picture. What complicates matters is that she is German. That is, the court will be quite a complicated procedure (not that he ever tries to take her to court, I strongly doubt that he's just too "soft"). Anyway, she REFUSED to let him go out with his son and his son's granddad on THEIR OWN!! This was always my proposal, not me and not her: just him and his son and his dad/mum/etc. She stroke a friendship with two of his sisters (similar ages). I do feel like an outsider because I don't know what to say/do if I meet his sisters/mum, etc, it's just a different type of interests/unfamiliar with their jokes/etc...so I do feel awkward around them. His ex knows better how to win them over.

I know that he sees his family once every couple of months and his son once or twice a year whenever she has a vacation here! So I try my best to forget about her altogether. I think to myself that he's with me all the time, so why not tolerate this for few days, but I just find it hard to accept that she's/they're doing things HER way. However, I do want him to see his son. Here is the dilemma. Also, I am leaving him for a work contract soon, and I want not to argue with him much in the little time we have together.





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