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I am having a hard day today and guess I just need to get my feelings out about it and hear some input and advice from you all.

It's been two months since we broke up after two years. Very sudden, very sad, but peaceful. No contact and no plans for it on either side. It's just too much, too hard I think. Full post this week below.

I just miss him so much today. I've been trying to hold it together, but there have been so many ups and downs. This week has been so hard for some reason. I just feel so alone and sad and sorry for myself. I've been staying very busy, active, making tons of plans, talking to friends, seeing a therapist. Just trying to stay positive and move away from this breakup with grace and peace, and without being jaded or scorned. But it is really hard to stay positive right now. Everything just feels like it is falling apart.

My ex was a lot of things to me...so cliche I know. But he's 6 years older (33, I am 27) and I looked up to him a lot, admired him. I went to him for input and advice, on work and my taxes, on finances, on everything, pretty much. He was just the constant and such a support when I was unsure about work or other areas of my life, he was the rock for me and I figured things would fall in place as long as we were good together. But he left and he's not here. And I am so totally alone and I just need him. Things are getting dicey at work..talks of cuts and big changes to roles. It makes me so nervous about my vulnerability. I so wish I could talk to him about all of this, get his advice and input. Sure, I can discuss it with friends, but he is the one who got me, who knew more about my history, my goals, my fears about my career. This is the first major issue that has come up since we broke up where I truly need him and don't have him there.

I've been on the verge of tears for a week now. You know that lump-in-the-throat feeling. Constantly. Part of it is feeling so alone and out of control and unsure of my life and work and all of that. Part of it is July 4 -- we spent the last two summers on his boat this week. Traveling around, with friends. I'd had next week taken off of work before we even broke up. I immediately made a flight across the country to visit family for the week because I know that I could not be here, on the 4th knowing where he'd be, out with our friends or doing whatever, without me. Everywhere I turn it's couples. Happy couples, married couples, engaged couples. And I feel so sad because we were so happy, we were so idyllic. The breakup shocked everyone, especially me. How can it just turn a dime so quickly and be over? I feel these horrible senses of dread that I will never find anyone else and will be alone. I feel ashamed for where I am in my life. No boyfriend, rent an apartment with a roommate who is younger than me and probably getting engaged soon enough, living paycheck to paycheck for the most part, unsteady work environment. And everyone around me is moving forward and getting huge houses and buying Audis and having kids and building incredible careers. I just feel so lost and so generic and stuck. And I don't know what to do. Sure, there are options. But they are paralyzing. I have no idea what to do to change things for myself. I am generally a happy, normal person. But this breakup has made me so insecure and lost. I just feel so negative and low.

He's not talking to anyone about me or the breakup or how he feels. He just refuses to. And it hurts so much. I just need him and he's not here. It feels different right now than it did before. I'm missing him in different ways and just feel so short changed in all of this.





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