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The long road
Jun 30, 2007
Hi everyone,

I have just come on to get a lot of my chest, this is how I view it all....

I am 22 years old mother of 2 who I dote on so much. The year I met my bofriend I was in a bad way because of my childhood we were living with a violent man, mother was unstable and looking to find love had already been engaged to be married, and got back with her violent boyfriend, then was meeting, and dating new people for 5 months until she met and married her husband within 5 months and moves 2 and half hours away.

At the time that I moved in with my boyfriend I was totally desperate to move out of home although worried for my mother I couldn't stand it there no more. I had only known my bf 3 and half months and I was so vunerable didn't know how to defend myself and went along with anything.

I was completely depressed, low self - esteem and just started therapy....He was mean to me back then just with comments, I would go to therapy and want to lay in bed for a rest after he would go mad, I wanted to talk he wouldn't said that he hadn't got time to.

As time went by, I wasn't really happy, we were drinking alot although my bf used to drink alot, and wanted to stop I used to want to drink loads to block out everything I was feeling.

The next year I wanted to try for a baby, I wanted so desperately a family of my own meantime I was getting stronger by the therapy and challenging my bf with how things were back then.

We argued throughout my pregnancy had some really bad days I used to cry, and cry about it felt heartbroken, we were going to split etc but everytime I meant it was just not sure how to then things seem to settle back to how they were.

Just 3 days before my eldest was born my bf wouldn't listen to me, and he got angry phoned my mum and said 'would you sort your ******ing daughter out she is mad' I sat with my back to the door crying, 9 days overdue listening to the way he spoke to my mother but that was the first time that anyone knew about it.

after that when my daughter was 1 month old things came to a head and I was drunk, wanting to talk with my bf and he didn't want to I was silly but threw water on him to get him out of bed because I desperately wanted to talk and he lifted me by the neck and threw me on the bed to get me out of his way then called his parents to come and see me and told them I wasn't looking after our baby and that was a complete lie as she was asleep, fed, warm, and looked after!! The next day I went to my sisters for 2 weeks and then onto my mums for a week where we said that I should give it 7 months to see how it pans out, I did and tried hard but things didn't change at all.

a year on and nothing much changing I kept wrestling with my feelings, and thoughts and have tried desperately to talk to him I can count on 1 hand the amount of times that my bf has truly listened to me other than that he has done everything but look at me, and engage in conversation whilst me trying to have a deep and meaningful with him.

I will say that a year ago I wanted another child, although things were bad my mood lifted a little and I guess that I thought having another baby would be great (not to change us) I wanted another baby because I have always wanted 2 and I love being a mum more than anything I wanted a companion for my daughter and knew if I waited until things were better between me and jay that would be like saying how long is a piece of string so yeah maybe in peoples eyes I was wrong for bringing another baby into this but on the other I love them both so much and they will get so much love from me all their lives - just to say were not having anymore I am happy with 2 but I would've now have anymore with this guy anyway.

I worry at times whether I am causing all this, I am so young and don't understand things aswell as I should because I am learning, and learning about relationships I try hard to discuss things with my bf and have always told him that I am open to him telling me things but usually he really picks at things when he does.

I am in such a confusion and desperate for the pressure to be released so I can carry on being a mum to my children (not that I am not now but I am under that much pressure that I find it hard to be smiling all the time and they see me down and I can't help it)

I have told my bf loads of times how he makes me feel and that it must stop but he just can't help himself and keeps doing it - he keeps promising not to do it again but then does.....have I given him long enough to change? is it my fault that he is so abusive?

I long for my mum to take me out of this, I know thats being a wimp and I should stand up for myself but just now I long for a friend, to help me through never felt as bad as this in a long time I honestly don't know what I would have done had I not have my 2 beautiful children in my life they are so gorgeous and make me smile so much I am lucky to have them.

I appreciate you reading this, it is very long sorry about that.

Hayley

I must go please let me know what you think

Hayley





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