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Need to share
Jul 1, 2007
[FONT="Comic Sans MS"][COLOR="DarkOrchid"]Natalie and I spoke on the phone for the first time in two weeks yesterday. We had a friendly catch-up and ended the conversation by discussing our feelings towards each other. I told Natalie that I still miss her and think about her a lot. She told me that she wonders why I don't call or text her - which she would like - and I explained that I had been respecting her wish not to talk as regularly as before. She acknowledged that and said that she respected me for not pestering her. I told her I would contact her more often if that was what she really wanted, but I didn't ever want her to resent me for it. Before the conversation ended I got a bit emotional when I told Natalie about the experience of holding my friend's new born baby and how it reminded me of what I ultimately want out of a relationship.

I sent Natalie a text message to thank her for the phone call and to apologise for being a bit weird when I told her about the baby. I told her that the main reason why I haven't contacted her is because it's so hard for me to talk to her without getting upset because I miss her so much. She texted back to say it's hard for her too because she misses me "at times". That really upset me. It was as though she had deliberately tried to get to me by phrasing it like that - she misses me "at times". Great. I miss her *all* the time. But she also reciprocated to my sentiment in our conversation that all that really matters to me is her happiness: she said she knows I'll find what I derserve - happiness.

So I tried to forget the whole thing and told myself that I wouldn't talk to her unless she called me again. It's obviously still too painful for me. But later that evening I realised that there were two messages from Natalie on my phone. The first one said "[I]Can I call u quick?x[/I]". Then, two minutes later, the second one said "[I]Im sorry,i know ur out,dnt worry-just wanna say im so sorry x x[/I]". So I called her. She was sobbing and I asked her what she was sorry about. She didn't really answer that question but she said she was upset because she had been reading old messages and it had reminded her of what we had. As [COLOR="Magenta"]~Tyger~[/COLOR] made me realise, I told Natalie that she had done the bravest thing for both of us: if I didn't feel right for her, then she did the best thing by ending the relationship before our love turned to resentment.

We spoke for about fifteen minutes, mainly reminiscing about our time living together (because we were both reminded of it since my brother and his girlfriend moved into their new flat this weekend in the town where Natalie and I lived together). She told me that she loved every minute of living with me (right down to doing my ironing) but that we had made the right decision to move back apart because she didn't like her old job and her new one is going so well. It made me feel so good to hear that she had positive memories of our time together. She went on to say that it upsets her that it feels like none of it happened because it was all over so quickly (six months), and that she nevers wants to forget it. I explained that I felt exactly the same: nobody could ever replace her as the first girl with whom I shared a flat.

As if I wasn't overwhelmed enough by this point (with my brother coming in and out of the room as I tried to hold back the tears), Natalie went on to say something else that has given me further closure on our relationship. She'd told me earlier that she would pay back the final £100 repayment for her car loan. And I thought that was all she acknowledged as owing to me. But she said she would pay me back all the money for her family's Christmas presents (which she bought on my credit card), spread over the next few months. At this point my eyes welled up because it signified that she still has respect for me as a friend. I thought she was hoping I would just forget about that money. But here she was committing herself to repaying me.

By this time she had calmed down and stopped crying. Just as two weeks after we split, her upset and regret was very short lived. But I hadn't got my hopes up about anything: I knew she was just a bit down and wanted a kind voice to speak to. She asked me whether I had received her picture message. I said I hadn't and asked her what it was. She had sent a recent photograph of herself to show me how long her hair had got. In our earlier conversation she had asked whether I had altered my appearance and I asked her whether she had cut her hair, which I never wanted her to do. She was glad that she hasn't because she went to a work reunion and all the girls had short hair apart from her! She told me she would send the photograph again.

After the conversation I looked at my phone and saw that I had received the message. Goodness knows why Natalie might think it's a good idea to send a recent picture of herself to me. I'm looking at it now and it only serves to remind me of what I cannot have :( The message reads "[I]Thought ud like a recent pic of me now uv got a betta phone!this was in a pub wiv steph last wk-do u think my hairs long?x[/I]". I replied to say that her hair looks as gorgeous as ever and - in reference to the earlier conversation - that she needn't worry about her weight either. She replied, looking for another complement by saying that I couldn't see her bum in the photo (meaning that she thinks it fat). I shouldn't have indulged her but I did and told her that her bum's perfect like the rest of her.

She sent me one more message last night, which was a photograph of the pie that she made for her mum's birthday today. That was the last contact we made. Now, basically, I'm annoyed. I try so hard not to think about her; even to demonise her at times. And then she puts herself right back into my head. Sure, she said some lovely things and made a lovely gesture which gave me hope for our future friendship. But it feels very much like she's playing games now because the photograph (which she did, indeed, send a second time) was seemingly intended to wind me up. And, obviously, her tears and vulnerability made me see her as the innocent victim; whereas, in reality, it was her who cheated on me and her decision to end things. My head's all over the place again :([/COLOR][/FONT]

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