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Relationship Health Message Board


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Yesterday I told my boyfriend that I wanted to get a tattoo of a rosary on my foot and at first he told me that he couldn't stop me, but today he told me that if I got a tattoo he wouldn't even touch me and he'd pretty much break up with me. This happened at the beginning of our relationship, too, when I asked him about smoking. I just asked what would you do if I started smoking just as a question, not even wanting to start smoking, and he told me he'd break up with me. But the tattoo is something I really want. I'm not even planning on it right away, in a couple months is when I want to get it, but he's really important to me, too.
[QUOTE=mlswim;3080302]Yesterday I told my boyfriend that I wanted to get a tattoo of a rosary on my foot and at first he told me that he couldn't stop me, but today he told me that if I got a tattoo he wouldn't even touch me and he'd pretty much break up with me. This happened at the beginning of our relationship, too, when I asked him about smoking. I just asked what would you do if I started smoking just as a question, not even wanting to start smoking, and he told me he'd break up with me. But the tattoo is something I really want. I'm not even planning on it right away, in a couple months is when I want to get it, but he's really important to me, too.[/QUOTE]

How long have you been dating this guy? It seems that he doesn't know you very well. Anyway, perhaps he already considers himself the real owner of your body? Would he also make any objection if your tattoo were a picture of him or his name? And what about you? Think about something you really dislike, say a certain type of clothes. What if your boy-friend decided to wear it? How would you feel about it?

Like your boy-friend, I am not fond of tattoos, either, but I don't think that your agenda for having one, only one and such a discreet one, can be enough reason for him to break up with you. Unless he thinks that you may want another more visible tattoo later on, and then another and another until your whole body is full of tattoos. If that is the case, then I could at least sympathize with him a little, but I don't think it is, is it?

I am of the opinion that he should respect your plan to have that tattoo. On the other hand, even if you reassure him that nothing will change after the tattoo, you can't expect to persuade him to change his opinion about tattoos. He may find them to be a sign of immaturity or immorality, or he may be concerned about your health (it is painful to get a tattoo and there are some risks, you know) or a possible desire to have it removed later. He seems to be a tough guy, though. If you get the tattoo, he may view it as plain disobedience. But this could be a pattern with him: he may never allow you to do whatever you want to do, if you don't ask for his permission in advance.

If you are really keen on having the tattoo, go ahead. You have to show him that you need some amount of independence in this relationship and that the tattoo is just a detail: it could be as well another "whim". If he sticks to his words and breaks up with you, without even bothering to see that nothing has really changed, you will know that he is a man who can be taken at his word, but also that he is intransigent and he may possibly suffocate you when you become his wife.
Like Pendulum, I think he feels as if he owns your body and has the right to dictate how you deal with it. Even if he loathes tattoos, he can certainly try to talk you out of it, but not this total decree. Get it done if you wish. Just think about it. Today the tattoo, tomorrow he will be dictating much more of your life. Be warned. Yes I do think he is too controlling. Sera
[b]Yes, he is!!! [/b]
That just doesn't make any sense. He wouldn't want to touch you just because you got a tattoo? It's not like you can even FEEL a tattoo or anything. Weird.
Yes!!!!!!!!!

Today it's a tatoo. Tomorrow it's your outfit. Soon it's your friends and your family. This a huge red flag warning you to get away now!
Tell him to get over it!!!

It is your body, and your choice. A tattoo doesn't change who you are! He doesn't have to love the tattoo... he just has to love you.

I agree that this is a red flag. Not saying to up and leave him right now... but I do say get the tat if you really want it. If he actually leaves, then you're better off. If he sticks around... then just watch out, and don't be surprised if it does escalate from tattoo, to clothes, to friends.. ect.
Oof.. yeah the tattoo thing is a little pushy. It's one thing to voice your opinion (or his in this case) of not being a fan and maybe finding them unattractive, and as a result perhaps being a little concerned about how this may view his attraction to YOU... but saying he'll dump you straight out? That's kind of manipulative - trying to get what he wants through force. Not very cool.

Truly, I could understand the smoking thing. That doesn't normally JUST involve the smoker if you have a partner. Especially should you ever live together, or get relatively addicted and find yourself smoking a lot in their presence. I wouldn't, personally, wish to ever date a smoker, and would sincerely insist upon my husband quitting if he ever decided to start up. Imagining kissing someone who's sucked on tabacco throughout the day just makes me want to vomit, but I'm hyper sensitive to the smell, don't like it on my clothes, in my car, smelling up my hair, or someone who I'm makin' out withs breath ;)

So, truly, I can understand the health aspects of that one.

But a little tattoo on your foot? Honestly, if he's staring at your feet for attraction he's got larger issues ;)
I guess I'm the minority here. I side a little bit with your BF. If it's a dealbreaker for him, you can't expect him to settle for less than what he's looking for. I mean whether it's tattoos, smoking, or something else that is important to a person, why should he have to settle? Maybe he enjoys the look of natural skin and by you getting this tattoo he won't be attracted to you as much anymore. Of course it won't change your personality, but maybe he thinks tattoos on women send out the wrong signal, like "tramp stamps"?

BTW, isn't that the same tattoo Nicole Richie has??
It's ok if a person doesn't find tattoos attractive. But in this case I think he's being close-minded, immature and manipulative. I'd understand if the OP was talking about wanting to get an elaborate tat that covered her entired back.. but she's not. She wants one little tattoo on her foot! And even if later she decideds she wants something on her shoulder, then hip.. or whatever... it is her body and her choice. If her BF doesn't find tattoos on women attractive, then so be it.. but he can't demand that she not get one, or threaten to leave her if she does.

She could have it done, and he probably wouldn't even notice it for a few days! haha

Smoking is definitely different, b/c it does effect other people. I won't ever date a smoker again.

But a tattoo doesn't directly effect anyone but the person being inked! She should get one if she really wants it. Who knows.. he may even end up finding it cute and sexy!
Is he really religious? I dated a guy who would never, ever date a woman with a tattoo for religious reasons, apparently there's a passage in the bible about marking your body, etc., and if I had gotten one, he probably would have broken up with me.

Right now, his standards are more important to him than you are. In time, he could loosen up, but he may not. He may always value his standards more than he values you. By the way, my ex left me for a woman who had many qualities he said he would never want. He compromised his values for her in a way he never could for me. they either had more in common than we did in other areas, or he just loved her more than me, or a combination. But the bottom line is, I do think this is probably the tip of the ice berg. If you really, really want this tattoo, then if he really cared for you and valued you and didn't want to lose you, he may not like it, but he wouldn't break up with you over it. He needs to learn that a relationship is compromise. He needs to learn that you can't force someone to be everything you think they are supposed to be, you have to take them as they are and either love them or leave them. No time like the present.
The bottom line is that if you want to do something that isn't hurting anyone else (such as the tattoo but not the smoking), and he says you aren't allowed to, then that is being controlling. Anything he tells you that you can't do or that you have to do, that is being controlling. The red flags are there, but it's up to you whether you choose to ignore it and continue this relationship with a guy who may potentially get worse (and far more controlling) or if you want to break it off now before the feelings get too deep and it makes it harder to break up.
BEWARE!!!! I have been married for 19 years. I told him I wanted a tatoo he told me if I got one, he would have divorce papers for me to sign. Well that was 2 years ago, and I still have a cute gecko on my foot :). He is very controlling and now my kids are suffering. So, my advise is... if you cannot be who you are, there are more men out there, who will appreciate you and respect your individuality.
good luck!!
[QUOTE=mlswim;3080302]Yesterday I told my boyfriend that I wanted to get a tattoo of a rosary on my foot and at first he told me that he couldn't stop me, but today he told me that if I got a tattoo he wouldn't even touch me and he'd pretty much break up with me. But the tattoo is something I really want. I'm not even planning on it right away, in a couple months is when I want to get it, but he's really important to me, too.[/QUOTE]

do yourself a BIG BIG favor......get the tattoo.....you will kill 2 birds with one stone....you will be getting that tattoo you want and getting rid of future problems with a controlling jerk.
Actually, I'm not sure if 'controlling' is the word for the two examples you gave. To me, 'controlling' would be if he tried to control things like when you go out, who you see, what you wear, etc., etc., but something like smoking or getting a tattoo? Those are real issues that can be deal breakers at the beginning of a relationship and now, just because you're a couple, he's suddenly not allowed to voice his opinion on it? There are lots of people who would [b]never[/b] date someone who smoked or had tattoos or piercings, so why should they suddenly [b]have[/b] put up with this change without a comment? Sure, I agree breaking up over it is a bit much, but some people feel strongly about things like that and to them, they are deal breakers. It's not like you're saying he only lets you wear pink shirts or something totally ridiculous like that, then THAT would be controlling.

Bottom line, according to your post, he's told you what he'll do if you get a tat, but it still sounds like it's your choice. Only you can tell if he's the type to stick to such an ultimatum.
Ok I have to jump in. First you should know I just recently got my 12th tattoo(mother's day gift from my two wonderful boys) and have future plans for many,many more.
Now 13 years ago right before I met my husband I met another guy that was cute and caught my eye. Apparently I caught his and we started talking. We had sex(yes a one night stand kind of deal) an hour o rtwo after sex we are laying there still talking and he says out of no where he could never date a girl that wanted more tattoos than what I already had. I should say at that time I had a grand total of 4 well hidden tattoos. I looked at him and said what. He repeated he could never date me because I had too many tattoos. I said so Im good enough for sex but thats it. I got up and got dressed and said good thing cause I cant date such a lousy selfish sex partner. I walked out the door with my stuff and stayed in my future husband's room sleeping on his couch for the rest of the weekend.
I knew right then that guy wasnt more than a one night lousy stand. Do I regret it,no but lesson learned. Oh I should mention he had 6 tattoos of his own. Go figure
My husband doesnt care one bit how many tattoos I have..matter of fact we have our private little contest and who can stay ahead of who with the most tats. Silly I know but its fun.
Yes some people do consider tattoos deal breakers but deal breakers need to be discussed and agreed to in the beginning.
I say get it and if he does leaves he leaves. Just remember it is his choice to leave based on his reason and that really it doesnt mean he doesnt love you just that he cant accept your choice.
good luck
[QUOTE=Bracelet;3081977]The bottom line is that if you want to do something that isn't hurting anyone else (such as the tattoo but not the smoking), and he says you aren't allowed to, then that is being controlling. Anything he tells you that you can't do or that you have to do, that is being controlling. The red flags are there, but it's up to you whether you choose to ignore it and continue this relationship with a guy who may potentially get worse (and far more controlling) or if you want to break it off now before the feelings get too deep and it makes it harder to break up.[/QUOTE]

I agree with Bracelet. I was in a relationship that started off as controlling and then developed into physical abuse. I'm not saying all controlling men or women will become physically abusive but many do.
breaking up over a tattoo? No Way if he would then he doesn't care about you much anyway. I have one and the man I have been on off dating for years hates it, but cares about me, if you man cares about you a tattoo isn't going to push him to break up with you..its just plain silly to me
Some people wouldn't date someone who
has a tattoo and some people wouldn't
date someone who smokes. Everyone has
their own preferences. If YOU want to get
a tattoo for you. Then go get it. Who the
heck cares what anyone else says? Its your
body. Perhaps he was joking and perhaps
he wasn't. I guess the only way to find out
how he feels is to get it. And let him know you
are not trying to disrespect his feelings but that
it is something you wanted to do for you. If he
doesn't accept that, then he doesn't.





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