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Hi all, again. Well I'm either here to say it's all over and hurrah my life is better for the last month even though I'm alone again (:) ), or that like a complete pilchard the situation continues (:jester: ).....

Pilchard it is then! :(

The last month has seen an occasion where she was really scared by her husband. Jaded, I expected nothing to come of it, but she actually told him she didn't want him anymore! This was more than anything said before, so I thought "good for her, she's actually [I]finally[/I] seen the light and is changing her life for herself and child". I did not smile for myself however (not only have I seen climb-downs before, but there'd be a long way to go before we got together anyway), and was supportive, understanding that both of them would be feeling a bit spaced out, but stating the need to keep forward momentum on it.

Within a few days of increasing sheepishness on the subject I'm thinking "moment gone and it'll all just fade through silence and inaction." I was assured with some reasonable defensiveness that she wasn't letting it go. I've seen it happen before though so I could see through that.

Anyway, for that whole week afterwards she was amazingly warm towards me. The floodgates on her really opened up again. The following week, having been seen when she was being driven by her husband (he doesn't know me), all that affection towards me was cut right back again because she felt so awkward. So, all that warmth undone!

We end up stressed and I ask how long she's planning on staying where she is, and I end up commenting that she wanted me a lot the week before. I got called a b*****d for that one. I was rather fed up though with the great outpouring of loving I'd seen that week followed by the cut-off.

A few days later I get a text that wakes me up saying she can't do this anymore, and wants her life back. I can't see what of her life has been taken really, as everything has gone HER way and carries on as normal (though I get accused of it all being about me at times!). I ask if that life she wants is the same one she's actually really unhappy in. No answer.

Hearing nothing all day, I email her that night saying I'm going to give her space. She replies that she's also confused and feels guilty for him, guilty for me and then she says (as a massive backward step) that things would be different if she weren't married. That kinda resignation to an unchangeable life is back in again! I despair...

I duly respond that I know how she feels, but ask direct questions as to what she wants from me. No answers. The next day she's trying to talk about random stuff like nothing's happened and like she didn't just say "I can't do this anymore". I also see an attempt to turn it back onto me by saying that if I don't want such ordinary conversation then that's a shame. How about answering my SERIOUS questions? Can't admit anything. I ask whether I'm just someone to talk to or if she wants more. No reply. The ball is in her court, and I leave it there..

The next day passes with no contact whatsoever, and no reply to anything I've asked. The following morning I get a text saying because I didn't say goodnight or answer her attempts at conversation the day before, how there must be a reason and goodbye. Allegedly it's my fault then!

I respond with the facts... that she knows how I feel about her, was waiting to hear from her the answers to some basic questions, and guess she didn't feel much for me cos I deserved a proper response not talk about random stuff. After pressing for an answer I get a limited one... Apparently she feels the same, but "cannot" say more... because it makes her feel guilty.

We speak that afternoon for a long time... apparently she feels the same as she always did about me, and despite all the hullaballoo over the months nothing has changed on either side in that sense. I tell her I'm not falling back into the same traps and going around in circles, that this needs to be dealt with. She tells me not to blame her for wasting my life (I've never said any such thing), or to turn anything back on her (ok for her to do it though). I impress the need to do something about this situation cos blatantly our feelings haven't changed so we need to.

By that evening I'm getting comments about going on about the situation and for allegedly reminding her how stupid she's being, insulting her choice of how to live her life, etc.... Those are her interpretations of my reminding her of certain realities as presented to me over time.

Anyway, I tell her she should not be ruled by guilt.. that such negative things should never rule your life. Things diffuse and she switches on the warmth again, and likewise today.

Hang on.. earlier in the week it was "I can't do this anymore" yet she seems to want things exactly as they were. You can't live your life in a marriage while loving someone else - it's dishonest to the husband, dishonest to the child, dishonest to yourself... It's not rocket science, but she will not see sense.

On the one hand she won't give answers, just bland statements about how friends is all she can be right now, yet the next minute she's talking MORE than friends again! She betrays that just friends rubbish every time.. for everything I get saying "I can't", I get a comment (often at the same time!) that negates it and screams "actually I do want you".

If she wants me she should do something about it, it's as simple as that, but she's too scared. As she says though it's easy for me to say what should and shouldn't be done, but it's her that has to do it. True.. but she keeps reverting to the same old position. She's gone from telling husband she wants him out all the way back to not being able to change her child's view, and has this strange notion that the child won't notice the distance between its parents until the child is much older. Children pick up on things and are affected by them though even if they can't say what it is or why. :(

Your views please?
Hi lduby, I feel for you I really do. I hope your situation doesn't end up like mine. At least you have assurances of intent to be together by the sounds of it. HOWEVER, I had those once upon a time - things like "give me time to do things right". If you find those drying up, yet still subject to all the expectations of you being there when they want, then you're probably in really dodgy territory and my advice to you would be to stay as objective as you can about your position.

If you're seeing him less and less, make sure you're not seeing him at his beckon call. That can be a tough one because naturally he's in a position where his availability is more limited than yours might be. If he never meets your requests to see him, and only sees you at his instigation and at short notice, let the alarm bells ring.

I had the following: every time I suggested seeing her, it was taken as pressure, and would be met with a no or some excuse, however crap-sounding it was. If I didn't ask, she'd say how we could have done something - making a missed opportunity. Yet if you ask with a week's notice somehow it's not possible. Be very careful of having your leg pulled!

People on here suggested I was pining away for this woman.. I haven't been. She ain't on a pedestal by any stretch of the imagination. She's a human, with good points and bad points.

She once described herself previously as a coward with regard to the situation, but now seems intent on a battle of wills that is causing increasing stress and is claiming great strength. I think if she had real strength she would have followed through on leaving the husband when the last good reason came along, rather than crumbling and avoiding everything as she has done.

It's very difficult to put a foot right when things get to such a sensitive stage and you may find this - for instance, I was asked to back off asking after the child's welfare so much because it was adding to her feeling uncomfortable. So I did. Recently I've just had thrown at me that I've hardly asked after the child as if to suggest I'm not interested any more! You just can't win! If you get to a stage of what is either a product of stress or just game-playing, be very careful. It becomes a very stressful place to be... you can't tell whether the person is being incredibly clever, or just really fouling things up. I have seen, and continue to see more mixed messages than you'd think were possible.

The back and forth gets into tighter and tighter circles, and the things and claims you get subjected to get more and more bizarre. You really can end up as their emotional punch-bag. I handle that by just staying calm and responding with dignity and respect nomatter what outlandish things come my way. I'm not remotely close to losing it, but I already know that I've lasted longer than anyone I know would have done. I'm no walkover though, and if what I'm putting up with turns out not to be her stress coming to a head, I'm not putting up with it.

It's been a horrible week here, and what's worst is that I've done NOTHING to deserve any of it. I can see that she's feeling INCREDIBLY sensitive and touchy but it would be so much easier to just concede some ground and admit it.. But if you're the type of person that can never admit any wrong, well that seems to be when they find other tactics instead.

Lduby, you need to seriously consider whether the man you are in love with really has any serious intention of being with you. Saying it is one thing, but is he doing anything that is moving things forwards in any way. If you're seeing each other less, perhaps not. Is he taking steps to separate from his wife or otherwise follow his heart? If not, start thinking objectively about it, and consider whether you're willing to let things get as bad as they have for me. If you're not being used for sex, are you being used emotionally either as someone to talk to and/or as a punch-bag.

Really, things like this can only last so long without a conclusion one way or another.





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