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Wow.. my first break up from a serious relationship.

I was 17/18, and we had only dated for about 5 months. But I was in love... and he dumped me. It was the hardest thing I had ever experienced! I experienced all the typical things, hysterically crying for hours, for days, crying myself to sleep, not eating, mopey and depressed, anti-social. I joked that being dumped was the best diet. It was horrible. He was my first love and he ripped my love-soaked heart right out. I'd try calling him, talking online, e-mails.. anything to get him to make it make sense. I really just tortured myself by contacting him. He never told me what i wanted to hear, or he'd fill me with false hope- saying things like.. "maybe one day." or "I dont know what the future holds." And other times he poured salt on open wounds just by telling me the truth.

After a few months of torturing myself, then convincing myself that i was ok so I'd still talk to him, I finally realized that I needed to cut off all contact, at least for a while. I took him off my buddy lists, told him not to call me. And I was determined not to contact him. I surrounded myself with friends, and kept busy with school, activities and work. I was doing great. So great that I thought I was finally ok with things being over.

We started talking again, even hanging out. Then... we started sleeping together again. BIG MISTAKE! I thought that the sex meant we were getting back together, that he must have realized tht he was wrong, and that he had feelings for me still. I was thrilled.. but scared to bring it up. for a few weeks we'd "hang out." I started getting sick of him only wanting to see him at his or my house, never wanting to go out. So I flat out told him that I couldn't continue to see him or sleep with him unless it meant we were back together. His responses, "Uhm.. I don't think we should hang out anymore." I was crushed.. again! I was back to square one.. re-insert knife *here* (that'd be my heart!)

The only postive that round 2 brought was that I was angry. I felt that he used my emotions to his benefit.. the perfect situation, sex with no strings attatched! The anger gave me the strength and determination to move on, to not want such a jerk. I also knew enough this time to cut off contact from the start. A few months went by. I even dated a few other people. Life went on. And I was acutally happy again.. happier than I had been in the relationship. Once I was over him I started recognizing all the things that would have ended the relationship anyway, on my terms though. Our personalities really clashed, and I know now (7 years later) that it would have ended eventually.

I still actually talk to him on occasion. Its funny almost, because I ask myself why I was ever with him. Don't get me wrong, he's not a bad guy really.. we're just so different, in a way that it would have worked against us. I also learned that even though I cared strongly for him and was maybe even in love.. I didn't love him the same way I love my current boyfriend.

I learned a lot about what I want in a relationship, and what I'm looking for in a man. I also learned not to bite my tongue so much, and to not be ashamed of what I'm feeling. (My ex was an expert on turning any situation around and making me feel like crap and feel guilty when i shouldn't have.) I definitely learned that I don't need a man to be happy with myself, that I have to make me happy before I'm able to really make someone else happy. I learned not to jeopardize my happiness for someone else's. I also learned that there isn't only one chance at love.

You'll get through this break up and you'll be much stronger for it.

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