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I've been married for almost 6 years. Things are going fine. Hubby is helping lots more around the house and with the kids and is treating me quite well. I feel like I'm going through a mini (early) mid-life crisis. I'll be 31 in August btw but it probably has nothing at all to do with age. I guess I should add some background, it may help this make more sense:

I had an on-again off-again relationship through high school that resulted in me having a baby at the age of 20. This guy was my first love, but the relationship was unhealthy and we come from different backgrounds. He was from a messed up family and went to jail a couple of times for stealing as a teen, used drugs, and basically screwed up on a regular basis. I'm from a wonderful family and don't get into trouble. Sadly he was a sweet guy and wanted to be better, just never really ever straightened out. I left him before I had out baby and moved back in with my parents. When our daughter was 3, he contacted me. I NEVER got over the guy and we had a somewhat secret (parents didn't know) relationship for 2 years. He saw our daughter on occasion but she thought he was my "friend". We would just go to the store, playground, etc once in a while with him.

During the time we dated (again secretly) I really came into my own as a person. I worked and went to school and raised my daughter and felt more confident-started to take better care of my appearance and felt very good about myself, for the first time ever. He noticed. He kept telling me I had gotten really beautiful, he wanted to marry me and do right by me. I was on the verge of outing our relationship (to my parents) but became frustrated because he starting to have difficulty holding a job-finally managed to get into more trouble (dui) and finally I got mad, told him to get lost and he literally did. Without a word, he moved away to live with one of his friends, halfway across the country.

So I spent a summer single and it was the happiest time of my life. I had a great job, and my daughter was 5 and I really enjoyed her. I felt very free and did not mourn my ex leaving the way he did. I felt fantastic about it. Happiest I've ever been. I dated a tiny bit but nothing major. I got reunited with an old acquaintance during this time and finally, after a friendship of a couple of months, decided what the heck-I will date this guy. Things moved fast and he is a straight arrow, hard-working, college-educated and treated me like a queen. And I got pregnant-quite unexpectedly! I loved him and he was someone i wanted to marry so I married him and we started our own family.

Its been a bumpy ride. After lots of growing pains and difficulties, things have really leveled out. My oldest daughter is nearly eleven and our daughter together is 5 now. I never heard from my ex except one time when he showed up right before my wedding. He called me at my parent's house to tell me he was in town and said he wanted me back. I told him no thanks, I'm pregnant and getting married and he flipped out! He was devastated-I never would marry him and suddenly here I am, marrying someone I haven't even known that long. He was also very angry and I was frightened, but he went away again and I haven't heard from him since. I do know that he got married a couple of years ago. He doesn't pay child support and I don't care. he wouldn't have been consistently in my daughter's life and I didn't want her to feel frustrated by having an on-again off-again dad.

I don't like being married. I never have. I feel tied down and I feel like it even affects how I react to my kids. I feel like I was a better mother when I was a single mom though I know it's way different to have 2 kids instead of just one. I don't cheat, I cook clean, raise the kids and work. i do nice things for hubby and I know he really loves me. I don't feel in love with him. I used to, but the past year has made me feel really indifferent towards him. I feel extremely nostalgic about my life before him. I was so much happier. When he goes on business trips, I'm secretly thrilled to be alone with the kids. I just don't feel like the vibrant, ALIVE person that I was before getting married. I sometimes even feel depressed and held back. And hubby is a good guy. It isn't really his fault. I don't act all this out. Our lives are pretty normal. But I've never ever been happy being married. I loved being single. Is this normal? I don't think it's him, I really think it's all me- I would feel this way no matter WHO I married. I even feel nostalgic about the relationship I had with my ex. It was fun to not see him all the time-to live apart and DATE and not get tired of each other.

Sorry this is so long, it's been on my mind for years! By the way, I would never do something rash like run off to be free or have an affair. I'm not out to destroy my marriage and I don't think my lack of feelings for my husband is permanent or worth ending it all. I would probably feel this way regardless of who I was with. it's all me! I just keep waiting to be as happy as I was before I tied the knot. If I can't acheive that, maybe someday I would consider leaving. But I believe in trying to be happy IN my marriage, I know the grass would always be greener no matter what I do. I just really miss my old life!!!!!! So much sometimes it hurts!





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